Sky Wars (was Combating Clouds) Revision 2, Sonnet Options

[Eisa]

I've dug deep into the archives to find this one and felt it needed some work, so I've revised it.
Any suggestions welcome. Not sure about the title?





Revision 2
Tweaked 28/05/09

Sky Wars

Conflicting forces brace for battle, dressed
in charcoal camouflage. Prepared to swarm
the sky, they mobilize and fly abreast
while nimbi squadrons activate the storm.

Descending bombs crescendo; roaring booms
provoke the sun to disengage his rays.
Grenades explode, their flashes herald doom
so startled creatures dart in disarray.

Machine guns fire, barraging foes in bursts;
torrential rains unleashed soon drench the land
to quench the dehydrated flora’s thirst.

New cirri squads arrive to take command,
belligerence retreating. Peace pervades
as sunrays rally; victory parades.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

L7 was

Grenades explode, their flashes smack of doom


Last line was -
as sunrays march in victory parades.
(I've returned to the original)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Combating Clouds (recent revision)

Celestial warriors brace for battle, dressed
in charcoal camouflage. Prepared to swarm
the sky, they mobilize; airmen abreast,
all nimbi squadrons activate the storm.

As rumbling bombs crescendo, their advance
provokes the sun to disengage his rays;
grenades explode as lightening flashes lance
and startled creatures dart in disarray.

Machine guns fire, barraging clouds in bursts;
torrential rain unleashed soon drenches land
to quench the desiccated flora’s thirst.

New cirri squads arrive to take command,
belligerence retreating. Peace invades
as sunrays rally; victory parade

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clouds in Combat (original)

When clouds assemble, braced for battle, troops
come camouflaged in charcoal uniforms.
As squadrons mobilize for combat, groups
of sombre nimbi activate a storm.

Advancing rumbles soon crescendo: cries
of war provoke the sun; she skulks away.
Grenades explode, their flashes fill the sky
and startled creatures dart in disarray.

Barraging bullets from machine gun bursts
unleash torrential rains that drench the earth
to quench the desiccated flora’s thirst.
New bands of cirri celebrate rebirth.

Belligerence departs as peace invades
and sunrays rally; victory parade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Aphrodite]

Hi Eisa,

I enjoyed your explosive piece and the superb imagery!

I reminds me of "War of the Worlds" as the sun rays rally with a big splash of creativity!

Nice job!