Wet And Wild Options

[JLY]

1st Revision, 9/27 am:

WET AND WILD

Wet and wild is the raging surf,
pounding the storm struck shore.
Hot and blazing, the noonday sun,
scorching living things to the core.
Milky and billowy the sailing clouds,
gracing skies with their wispy décor.
Intense and heartfelt are the hugs,
you render, making my spirits soar.

Delicate and flamboyant butterflies,
engage us with capricious flight.
Full and robust trumpet daffodils,
arrayed in pink, yellow, and white.
Soothing and songful, the whippoorwills,
singing on this moonlit balmy night.
Sultry and playful are the glances,
you tender me with fiery delight.

[/font]

WET AND WILD

Wet and wild is the raging surf,
pounding the storm struck shore.
Hot and blazing is the noonday sun,
scorching all living things to the core.
Milky and billowy are the sailing clouds,
gracing the skies with their wispy décor.
Intense and heartfelt are your hugs,
you render that makes my spirits soar.

Delicate and flamboyant are the butterflies,
that engage us with their capricious flight.
Full and robust are the trumpet daffodils,
dressed in colors of pink, yellow, and white.
Soothing and melodic are the whippoorwills,
serenading us on a moonlit balmy night.
Sultry and flirtatious are the glances,
you tender me with such fiery delight.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi John

A very passionate poem.  I like the way you have used nature to create vivid images of the emotions felt.  I love the stormy sea and the hot sun especially.

Just a few suggestion for you to use or ignore as they probably mess up meter

[add] {delete} (comment)

Wet and wild is the raging surf,
pounding the storm struck shore.
Hot and blazing is the noonday sun,
scorching {all} living things to the core.
Milky and billowy are the sailing clouds,
gracing {the} skies with their wispy décor.
Intense and heartfelt are {your}[the] hugs,
you render that makes my spirits soar.

Delicate and flamboyant are the butterflies,
that engage us with {their} capricious flight.
Full and robust are the trumpet daffodils,
dressed in {colors of} pink, yellow, and white.
Soothing and melodic are the whippoorwills,
serenading us on a moonlit balmy night.
Sultry and flirtatious are the glances,
you tender me with such fiery delight.

much enjoyed

Nina

[JLY]

Nina,
Thanks, this was a poem I wrote about 3 years ago and just rediscovered it.  I wanted to get some comments to improve it and bring it up to date.

You have helped me immensely.
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

Love the title.  Nature can create such passion and you've done a
beautiful job using it in your poem.  

A few suggestions for you to use or lose:  {omit}[add]

Wet and wild is the raging surf,
pounding the storm[-]struck shore.
Hot and blazing is the noonday sun,
scorching all living {things} to the core.
Milky and billowy are the sailing clouds,
gracing {the} skies with their wispy décor.
Intense and heartfelt are {your}[the] hugs{,}
you render[,] {that} mak[ing]{es} my spirit{s} soar.

Delicate and flamboyant are the butterflies,
that engage us with {their} capricious flight.
Full and robust are the trumpet daffodils,
{dressed}[arrayed] in {colors of} pink, yellow, and white.
Soothing and melodic are the whippoorwills,
serenading us on {a} moonlit balmy night[s].
Sultry and flirtatious are the glances,
you tender me with such fiery delight.


Wet and wild is the raging surf,
pounding the storm-struck shore.
Hot and blazing is the noonday sun,
scorching all living to the core.
Milky and billowy are the sailing clouds,
gracing skies with their wispy décor.
Intense and heartfelt are the hugs
you render, making my spirit soar.

Delicate and flamboyant are the butterflies,
that engage us with capricious flight.
Full and robust are the trumpet daffodils,
arrayed in pink, yellow, and white.
Soothing and melodic are the whippoorwills,
serenading us on moonlit balmy nights.
Sultry and flirtatious are the glances,
you tender me with such fiery delight.


How wonderful it would be if life were filled with nights
like this!  

Cathy

[JLY]

Cathy,
Thanks, I was looking for a woman's touch to set me on the right course.
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Well, I think Nina and I both qualify in that respect!  LOL

I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

Cathy

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi John

Wet and wild is the raging surf,
pounding the storm[-]struck shore.

Fantastic opening lines, very theatrical indeed. The meter is grand but then it varies a bit, so I have tried to make some suggestions that might keep the rhythm neater (Me? R&M? - yikes! - take this with a BIG pinch of salt, please, John )

[add] {del}

Hot and blazing[,] {is} the noonday sun,  
scorching all living things to the core.  --- scorching all things (or all life) to ...
Milky and billowy {are} the sailing clouds,
gracing {the} skies with their wispy décor.
Intense and heartfelt are your hugs,
{you render} that make{s} my spirits soar.

Delicate and flamboyant {are the} butterflies,  --- 12 syl so have reduced, but could take it further (delicate and vivid the butterflies?)
{that} engage us with {their} capricious flight.
Full and robust {are the} trumpet daffodils,
dress{ed} in colors of pink, yellow, and white.
Soothing and melodic[,] {are} the whippoorwills,
serenading {us on a} moonlit balmy night[s].
Sultry and flirtatious are the glances,
you tender me with such fiery delight.

Hope some of that helps a bit? Please ignore if my meter is more of an inch, lol.

Fran

[JLY]

Fran,
Your sense of timing is a bit better than mine. Your thoughtful suggestions will help me polish this piece which I am kind of fond of.....that is why I was hoping I would get some feedback; I want to make this one as good as it can be.
JLY

[Guest_Don_*]

Wet and wild is the raging surf,
pounding the storm struck shore.
as pounding storm strikes shore.
Hot and blazing is the noonday sun,
scorching all living things to the core.
scorching life to its core.

Forgive, but my mind is not up to meter today.

A very outstanding love poem.  I find them almost impossible, but yours is wonderful.

Don

[JLY]

Don,
Thanks for giving me some of your poetic wisdom today....some wisdom is better than none.
JLY

[jgdittier]

Dear John,
If I can help, it's primarily with metre.
I've reviewed the suggestions  you'vre already received and find my efforts unlikly to yield much, so I'll just type with this one finger how I'd see it as already modified by Nina, Cathy, Fran and Don.

Wet and wild is the raging surf,
pounding the storm-struck shore.
Flames of fire fan the noonday sun
scorching all life to its core.

Milky and billowly are the sailing clouds,
gracing the skies with their whispy decor.
Hardy and husky are your heartfelt hugs,
safe in your arms makes my spirits soar.

Flamboyant are the butterflies,
capricious in their flight.
Trumpeting now are the daffodils,
dressed in pink, yellow and white.

Soothing and songful are the whippoowills,
singing to us on this balmy,  moony night.
Sultry and playful are your glances,
safe in your arms brings me fiery delight.

Cheers,   Ron  jgd

[JLY]

Ron,
Thanks; your one finger is as good as 10.

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi JLY

I was attracted by the strong imagery and inital flow of this piece. I was going to comment on some inconsistency of rhythm and flow but I can see that others more informed than I have already given good advice here.

The only other suggestion I would make would be that, for me, you would strengthen the impact by contrasting the interactions in Nature with the personal ones, rather than connecting them. I would therefore disconnect these aspects from the individuals in the poem and leave them as observations. I.e. have the butterflies engage in capricious flight rather than 'engage us' in it. Have the whippoowills sing to the moon on the balmy night rather than 'to us'. This way the 'hugs' and 'glances' become part of the greater Natural pattern as well, as being affected by it. It may also help with reducing the word count where needed to smooth the meter.

Only a suggestion to take or leave - but I await with interest any revision you post on this promising piece.

Thanks for sharing.

MaXiM

[JLY]

Maxim,
You have given me a thought pattern that I never contemplated.  I am going to think about your suggestion from a different perspective: the reader instead of the writer.....a revision will be forthcoming within the next few days.
JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John.

Sounds like a fun challenge by Martin!

I'll wait to see if you revise and visit again soon!

~Cleo

[JLY]

Lori,
I intend on posting a revision later this week.
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

I like the revision and still enjoy the interaction between
humans and nature.

My only thought is should "storm struck" be hyphenated?
"storm-struck"

Cathy

[JLY]

Cathy,
I have gotten different views on storm struck...don't know which is the correct way to go.  Hyphenated may be correct...waiting for more feedback to get some definitive information.
JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

The revisions are excellent, even though the original wasn't in too much need of fixing, what you did change didn't sacrifice the voice and excellent imagery found through out. What I liked most was the chosen Trochee meter, the quick hard beats compliment the voice and theme. I especially liked the rhymes, most, although some were common, were done so well I barely focused on the rhyme scheme  and naturally read them as they blended well. They didn't feel forced and made the read very enjoyable.

No nits to offer, I very much liked the poem and enjoyed reading it several times.


Hugs, Liz

[JLY]

Liz,
Thanks so much. My original intent was for this poem to flow on its own and although I am a big proponent of rhyme, I didn't want it to get in the way of the reader. Your feedback gives me some hope that I am going in the right direction.
JLY