Monongahela Song [Revised 31 Aug], Sonnet Options

[Guest_February_*]

(revised) - 8-31-07

Monongahela Song

Men built a boardwalk through Cranberry Glades
for hikers taking in the woodland scenes.
We watch as chipmunks furrow rye-grass blades
and thrushes peck at worms. These vernal greens
give off a glint of placid light and air.
The West Virginia sun is mild, it seems
the rolling hills betray its blazing glare.
Cool river water fills our small canteens.

Monongahela Forest is the name
the natives gave this rocky, rugged land.
The mountaineers mined coal there to survive.
Wild cardinals brighten cedars with their flame.
A dulcimer and banjo, strung by hand
are played, and “Almost Heaven” comes alive.

_____________________________________
(original)

Monongahela Song

Men built a boardwalk through Cranberry Glades
for hikers taking in the woodland scenes.
They watch brown chipmunks furrow rye-grass blades
and thrushes peck at worms. These vernal greens
give off a glint of placid light and air.
The West Virginia sun is mild, it seems
the rolling hills betray its blazing glare.
Cool river water fills our small canteens.

Monongahela Forest is the name
the natives gave this rocky, rugged land.
The mountaineers mined coal there to survive.
Wild cardinals brighten cedars with their flame.
A dulcimer and banjo, strung by hand
are played, and “Almost Heaven” comes alive.

[4rum]

Dear February;

Your lovely sonnet has inspired this little verse... so with your permission, I'll dedicate it to you.

Montani semper liberi

In whisper, speaks the Appalachian trail
Of ages she has seen from long ago
The weathered waters wear the mountains veil
As down her skirts, the mighty rivers flow

Yet sing her children's songs both proud and true
Then play a kindred tune of you and me
And e're that we should meet, I'll bow to you
For we know that mountaineers are always free

[Guest_February_*]

4Rum

I'm honored. Your poem is lovely. I enjoy it when poets feel free to do a poetic dance as you have.
To me, the highest honor a poem gets is another poem offering to dance with it. Thank you -

Anne

[4rum]

4Rum

I'm honored. Your poem is lovely. I enjoy it when poets feel free to do a poetic dance as you have.
To me, the highest honor a poem gets is another poem offering to dance with it. Thank you -

Anne

Dear Anne;

You are so very welcome. I'm happy that my little rhyme found favor. Your sonnet paints the setting of Cranberry Glades so well. I haven't been there in years, but the paw prints of the black bear, the scurrying chipmonks and the brown thrush are prominent memories. Thank you for providing me with this warm glimpse back.

Sam

[Merlin]

Hello Feb,

Out west here we have the West Coast Trail complete with boardwalks in places. At the bottom of the link are photos worth looking at, and google will provide more if desired. It was years back that I was in this neck of the woods, even before much of it became an organized trail. Your Mono sounds similar.

You've taken out your license with sonnet rules; if there is a volta, it doesn't grab a fella. Still, I was tickled to find that the dulcimer is also known as Appalachian dulcimer. Reckon they're still played there when I thought only damsels did so.

Merlin

[Guest_February_*]

Good morning, Merlin -

Thanks for the photo links. Looks like some gorgeous terrain you have there.

As for the lack of volta - yes, that seems to happen to me a lot. Makes me want to rearrange my lines and not even call it a sonnet. I've seen people do that with sonnets for that very reason. Basically, just arranging the poem with different line breaks and forget it is a sonnet. Just let it be a poem. I might do that with this one.

Happy trails .....

Anne

[Judi]

Good morning, Merlin -

Thanks for the photo links. Looks like some gorgeous terrain you have there.

As for the lack of volta - yes, that seems to happen to me a lot. Makes me want to rearrange my lines and not even call it a sonnet. I've seen people do that with sonnets for that very reason. Basically, just arranging the poem with different line breaks and forget it is a sonnet. Just let it be a poem. I might do that with this one.

Happy trails .....

Anne

Hi Anne...Whatever you call this one, It is wonderfully done..Judi

[AMETHYST]

Hello 4rum and all new comers to Mosaic Musings,

Just a reminder regarding posting our own poetry into another's thread-

Please do not include your own composition as part of a response to a tile posted by someone else for critique UNLESS it it clearly for ILLUSTRATIVE purposes and relevant to the original thread. Each composition deserves our full and individual attention. Please keep in mind that the topic starter may ask for its removal, (politely of course).

This serves to keep the focus on the member's original poem. If the original posting member does not mind poetic response, please do so only after some critique or commentary has been offered.

For further information about posting rules please read Forum Rules


Thank you for helping us keep Mosaic Musing running smoothly!
Best Regards, Liz
On behalf of Mosaic Musings Staff

[4rum]

..........oops ! Thank you Liz.

Apologies to Staff and Anne (February)

[Guest_February_*]

"Hi Anne...Whatever you call this one, It is wonderfully done..Judi"

Thanks, Judi -

I don't know if you ever spent any time in West Virginia. It's so close to PA, perhaps you have. All that area including the parts of PA I've seen is beautiful country.
My husband was born and raised in W.V. so over the years I've had the opportunity to do some camping throughout the state. Cranberry Glades was one of my favorite places.
We are thinking of moving there when and if he can ever retire from his job. That won't happen for another decade, and who knows what things will be like by then?
Our earth is so full of beauty. It is sad that it has become polluted and subjected to decay. But surely the new Earth will be more glorious. God can restore everything that is lost.
I'm sounding a little preachy, but since you're a fellow believer, I don't think you will object to my comments.

Take good care of yourself and try to take life one day at a time!

Anne

[Mary Boren]

Enchanting, Anne. Thanks for the trip. Nice choice for the song -- I can hear it.

They watch brown chipmunks furrow rye-grass blades

"We watch" would draw me right in there with you, and does the chipmunk have to be described as brown? Aren't they all the same color? I probably wouldn't have noticed if not for the adjectives sorta overasserting themselves in L3-8. "We watch while/as chipmunks," maybe?

Mary

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oh gosh - no worries Sam and Anne. We've had issues in our past with some members who always took the focus away from the actual thread at hand, resulting in the addition to the forum rules (agreed on by a survey to the entire membership).

In the crit forums, the focus should be on the poem on hand, not to draw the focus away from it with others' poems embedded in the replies. It's a give and take thing, and once you feel out the member, you'll know which ones don't mind it and which ones do. In either case, as long as a crit has been posted first, we're more relaxed about poetic replies afterwards.

Hope this helps!

Lori

[Guest_February_*]

Enchanting, Anne. Thanks for the trip. Nice choice for the song -- I can hear it.

They watch brown chipmunks furrow rye-grass blades

"We watch" would draw me right in there with you, and does the chipmunk have to be described as brown? Aren't they all the same color? I probably wouldn't have noticed if not for the adjectives sorta overasserting themselves in L3-8. "We watch while/as chipmunks," maybe?

Mary

Mary -

I thank you for your sharp eye. I had first used "small" chipmunks. And I thought, chipmunks are always small. So I stuck brown in and had the same concern. I think while or as would be a great way to trim out some superfluous adjectives. Why didn't I think of it? I think 'we' is also a good idea. I love it when people like yourself offer solutions to my poetic problems. And I feel that I'm not as adequate at offering useful critique. Probably because I approach people's poems with too much emotion and not enough scrutiny. Ah well... maybe I will get better at it as I progress in knowledge and wisdom.

Anne

[AMETHYST]

Hello February/Anne,

Again welcome to Mosaic Musings! This is a wonderful poem of the inner respects we should have for nature. I found the descriptions are lovely for the mind to view, there is a soft tone in the voice that leads the reader along with gentleness that enhances that nature essence.

Some minor thoughts to follow, I hope something I leave is helpful and please use what is worthy and discard what doesn't fit your intention!

Best Regards, Liz ...

Monongahela Song

Men built a boardwalk through Cranberry Glades
for hikers taking in the woodland scenes.
They watch brown chipmunks furrow rye-grass blades


Although the only chipmunks I've ever seen up close are Chip and Dale (disney) but how about ...

They watch spry chipmunks furrow rye-grass blades

and thrushes peck at worms. These vernal greens
give off a glint of placid light and air.

L4, perhaps ... and thrushes peck at worms. Such vernal greens

The West Virginia sun is mild, it seems
the rolling hills betray its blazing glare.
Cool river water fills our small canteens.

I would suggest omitting the period after glare and continue the next line
with 'as river water fills our small canteens. (this gives it less of a line for line fact list feeling and offers a more conversational tone: IMO)


Monongahela Forest is the name
the natives gave this rocky, rugged land.
The mountaineers mined coal there to survive.
Wild cardinals brighten cedars with their flame.
A dulcimer and banjo, strung by hand
are played, and “Almost Heaven” comes alive.


I love these final lines... Nicely done!

[heartsong7]

hi Feb.
This is a lovely song and your revisions have made good even better.
My only nit is here:
The West Virginia sun is mild, it seems I'm not sure what you mean by 'sun is mild' I could see sunlight is mild but not the sun itself. and 'seems' is a slant rhyme in the midst of all those trues.
the rolling hills betray its blazing glare. Is 'betray the right word? I'm thinking you mean that the hills are shading the intensity of the sunlight?
I often been advised that there's always another way to say what you want to convey.
example:
"The West Virginia days stay mild where screens
of rolling hills shade sunlight's blazing glare."


Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Anne,

I enjoyed the soft rhythms and peaceful tone of this poem. Thank you for alighting me to this place of yours.

The title is perfect and your poetic devices are skillfully placed. I especially enjoyed rocky, rugged land and mountaineers mined.

Here are some notes I jotted down for you to ponder. As always, as you like it.

Cheers
~Cleo

The West Virginia sun is mild, it seems
the rolling hills betray its blazing glare.
Cool river water fills our small canteens.

I suggest a possible change here to a semi-colon and a word switch:
The West Virginia sun is mild; it seems
the rolling hills betray its blazing glare. You might also consider making it a bit more religious and change the phrase ‘its blazing glare’ to 'God’s blazing glare’.

The mountaineers mined coal there to survive.
Wild cardinals brighten cedars with their flame.
A dulcimer and banjo, strung by hand
are played, and “Almost Heaven” comes alive.

A slight so as not to end stop each of the three mid-lines in the closing stanza:
Wild cardinals brighten cedars with their flame
while dulcimers and banjos, strung by hand
are played, and “Almost Heaven” comes alive.