For Sale:Victorian Beach House, "Nada" Sonnet Options

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

I'd like to introduce the Nada Sonnet, a form conceived by Mary S. B. and first posted at SC last year. This is my attempt at the form which is done in ballad (4,3,4,3) meter and abab rhyme scheme with 3 quatrains and a tetrameter couplet.



For Sale:
Victorian Beach House

A painted lady, primly dressed
in sun-drenched pastel hues
is up for sale. Come be impressed
by panoramic views
of rocky beaches, sandy dunes
and sparkling turquoise seas.
Come hear the soothing ebb-tide tunes
and breathe a salty breeze.
Each room is charmingly redone
in shades of sand and shell.
Wide porches tame the midday sun,
so sit and rock a spell.

You won’t be bothered by the ghosts;
in fact, you’ll find they’re charming hosts.

LB

[heartsong7]

Hey Lizzy...
I remember this. You reworked it from a fv poem. I think you're getting the meter down pretty well, at least to my ear. It's a neat idea to present the poem as an ad.

BTW, if you make your comments on others' work before posting yours, you won't wind up so far down on the page sitting on a goose egg. Being up top does help to get your poem seen.

Sue

[Mary Boren]

I remember it too, Liz, and remember being impressed with your natural talent. Didn't make the connection -- you posted under a different name there. If there's any room for improvement, I'm not seeing it. I guess if I had to stretch for a nit, I might mention the repetition of come, but I really don't see that as a problem.

Keep 'em comin',

Mary

[JustDaniel]

Wow!

This one gets me hankerin' even more for our visit to Cape May County in two weeks! I'd never seen Mary's take on this interesting form, but I surely like it! And it seems to me that you've hitched your horse to just the right vehicle with this one. I have nothing to suggest. It's a keeper!

deLighting in 'meeting' you on the wrap-around porch...

but for now, I'm off my rocker, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hello Liz,

Welcome to MM again - This is remarkable. A very descriptive poem that adds harmony to lovely meanings and images... I've only two little nits and of course they really aren't important but will leave them for consideration sake...

As Mary mentioned, the repeat of come has some room for improvement and could easily be rectified in L3, by substituting come with 'you'll' - my other nit is with L9 - tastefully sounds to my ear as 'TASTEfully reDONE" ... perhaps ... pleasingly redone for some reason my ear picks up a stronger stress on LY in pleasingly but doesn't in Tastefully - perhaps it is only me... could also be nice with 'charmingly' redone...

Anyway - as mentioned, neither are real nits, just thoughts to consider...

Best Regards, Liz

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Sue, Mary, Daniel and Liz,
I'm thrilled by such generous reviews of this. Thank you all very much.
I think I'll keep both comes, as they fit in with the ad aspect. Liz I see what you mean about tastefully vs pleasingly or charmingly. I too hear more emphasis on the ly with the latter two and wonder if it's the ing preceeding the ly that accounts for that slight difference. What ever it is, I do like charmingly and will use it.
You have a very good ear for the subtle sound differences.

LB

[Michelle]

Hi Liz, well I have to agree with the others, this is a great little sonnet. From other responses, I assume that you are new to metered work. I applaud you adept talent. Excellent poem. I have nary a nit with this poem.


my best,

Michelle

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

I really appreciate those kind words, Michelle.

I assume that you are new to metered work.

I guess I am; though I've been pursuing it for about 3 years now, I haven't written more than a half dozen poems and all were with some excellent help. I've posted all attempts at various poetry sites, but have received little workshopping except for SC and here. Coming here has definately encouraged me to keep at it. I've had some wonderful input on all that I've posted and even my attempts (feeble as they are) at critiquing others' work helps me learn.
Thank you for stopping to read and comment on this.
Just want to say too, how much I've enjoyed reading your work here.
You inspire me.
LB

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hahaha, I really enjoyed this one Liz.

Thank you for posting this form by Mary, would you mind posting it in Karnak Crossing, so that we can share in the learning (I can guide you on the how-to)?

I must say I have no nits, the read is smooth and the imagery is fantastic. What a unique way to write a sonnet too, as an ad. We're headed to Nantucket Tuesday for a few days, dinner at the Company of the Cauldron and I'm looking forward to seeing the sights and enjoying the sounds and smells of the ocean. It's been far too log since I've strolled the beach (about 9 years) and I love the smells and wind-swept sea breezes, so I'm thrilled to see that here in your poem. Also, I love architectural styles - the Victorian is usually multi-colored in pastels with lots of ornate wood detailing. You've presented it as a character and I applaud your skill. I really chuckled at the closing - a tip to the realtor (don't mention hauntings in ads), LOL!

I jotted down a couple of notes - yours to take or toss as you wish.

Cheers
~Cleo

A painted lady, primly dressed
in sun-drenched pastel hues (lovely way to capture imagery and personify the house)
is up for sale. Come be impressed (maybe: You’ll be impressed to resolve the duplication of the word 'come', although it's really not bothersome)


Come hear the soothing ebb-tide tunes
and breathe a salty breeze. (alternate: and draw in salty breeze.)

[Cleo_Serapis]

P.S. In fact, I enjoyed this one so much, I'm going to nominate it for October's IBPC competition. Please check your PM in a few for my permission form.

Best regards,
Lori