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Special Offer, Rhyming - nature/metaphorical |
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Aug 3 07, 09:46
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 160
Joined: 12-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 451
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Alan M Douglas
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1st Revision
Silkworm threads, robustly spun, flower petals, bright as sun, slice of sky, gracious heaven, all infused, seven times seven.
Dewdrop tears, cleansing lotion leafy vines, lover’s potion, butterfly wings, dreams ascend, one and all, a perfect blend.
Grassy soles, footsteps gentle, moonlight rays, sentimental, merry laughter, ocean dimple; mindsets all, plain and simple.
All of these and many more suggest those traits we adore. Soulfulness on special offer; now on sale from Nature’s coffer.
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Original
Silkworm threads, durably spun, flower petals, bright as sun, slice of sky, gracious heaven, all infused, seven times seven.
Dewdrop tears, cleansing lotion leafy vines, loving’s potion butterfly wings, dreams ascend one and all, perfect blend.
Grassy soles, footsteps gentle moonlight rays, sentimental merry laughter, ocean dimple; mindsets all, plain and simple.
All of these plus so much more suggesting traits that we adore. Soulfulness on special offer; now on sale from Nature’s coffer.
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Aug 3 07, 17:58
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
Joined: 14-April 07
From: Texas Hill Country
Member No.: 420
Real Name: Mary Boren
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Nice job, Misty. You've managed something I don't recall ever seeing -- that is, a poem written in predominantly dimetric amphimacer, a/k/a cretic, feet. Such a rarity, in fact, that I had to go look up the terminology. There are a few spots where it lapses into garden variety trochaic, but for the most part this is quite a metrical coup.
You've got some lovely images here that hint at a potentially unique conceit, but what's to tie them together? I'm not seeing the metaphor you refer to -- it reads more like a list. How about writing out what you want to say in paragraph form, making complete sentences, and see where it leads you?
Again, lots of good sonics going here.
Mary
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Aug 4 07, 17:48
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Misty, What lovely sounds to create a near lullaby tone of voice - The images are gentle ... soft to the ear and mind. I never heard of the Cretic Meter (dimetric amphimacer) but will have to read up on that as this comes off so lovely to my ear. I agree with Mary that some established connection or link to the flowing images might improve or give the poem a more intense kick- otherwise, it is a lovely read. Some minor thoughts to share, hope something might be useful! I quite enjoyed this. Best Wishes, Liz QUOTE Silkworm threads, durably spun, flower petals, bright as sun, slice of sky, gracious heaven, all infused, seven times seven. L4, I like the smooth execution of the end rhymes. The barely are noticable. QUOTE Dewdrop tears, cleansing lotion leafy vines, loving’s potion butterfly wings, dreams ascend one and all, perfect blend. L2, perhaps 'lover's potion L4, "one and all, a perfect blend." (Missing a beat) QUOTE Grassy soles, footsteps gentle moonlight rays, sentimental merry laughter, ocean dimple; mindsets all, plain and simple. :) I really love the sounds of this stanza. The feel and blends of sonics through out, partnering and bouncing off each other. - QUOTE All of these plus so much more suggesting traits that we adore. Soulfulness on special offer; now on sale from Nature’s coffer. L1, perhpas all of these and many more suggest those traits we adore. LOVE THAT FINAL LINE! :) I enjoyed this misty - thank you...
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Aug 6 07, 11:25
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Good show, Misty, especially for rhyming dimple-simple - I can't say I've ever done that one!
Best
Merlin
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Aug 7 07, 16:31
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Mistral
I haven't been around for a while and so I must say how nice it is to meet you and read your work.I love the images you have created here.
Just a few suggestions -- take or toss!QUOTE (Mistral @ Aug 3 07, 15:46 ) [snapback]100565[/snapback] Silkworm threads, durably spun, flower petals, bright as sun, slice of sky, gracious heaven, all infused, seven times seven.
Perhaps it's my UK accent but I stumble a little on 'durably' in the 1st line. Perhaps 'robustly'?
Dewdrop tears, cleansing lotion leafy vines, loving’s potion butterfly wings, dreams ascend one and all, perfect blend.
L2 -- lover's potion? L4 -- 'one and all a perfect blend'
Grassy soles, footsteps gentle moonlight rays, sentimental merry laughter, ocean dimple; mindsets all, plain and simple.
All of these plus so much more suggesting traits that we adore. Soulfulness on special offer; now on sale from Nature’s coffer. Wonderful end
Snow
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Aug 10 07, 02:32
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 160
Joined: 12-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 451
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Alan M Douglas
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Hi Mary, Thank you so much for the lovely comment….but I must admit half the stuff you talk about is Greek to me! *grin* I think what I want to say with the poem is that there’s so much in nature that reminds me of human nature as well. Silkworm threads = strength. Flower petals = bright, positive attitudes. Sky = freedom, etc, etc. I hoped it might make sense? Anyway, I’m glad you liked it regardless.
Hi Liz, Thank you so much for liking this and your suggestions which I’ve adopted. Hope it’s to your satisfaction?
Hi Merlin, Thanks for dropping by and for the compliment. *big grin*
Hi Eisa, Lovely meeting you and thank you for the suggestion (same as Liz’s) which I’ve adopted. So glad you enjoyed!
Hugs All, M
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