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Disco AD 1970 ** Revision |
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Feb 27 16, 11:50
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 256
Joined: 2-November 15
From: Croydon, Surrey
Member No.: 5,284
Real Name: Antony Glaser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy
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REVISION
Whilst sipping your tea, at Bexhill station. I imagined you as younger; blue hot pants and a turquoise top wearing white leather boots, dancing to a minor bubblegum hit, for you'd be the true star in the Methodist dance-hall. We purchase in pounds, shillings and pence. I buy you a Watney shandy. You giggle in a girlish way, enjoy blowing in my ear, when you really were intending to say you felt the same way
ORIGINAL
Whilst you sipped your tea at Bexhill station. I imagined you as younger; blue hot pants and a sparkling turquoise top wearing white leather boots, dancing to a minor bubblegum hit, for you'd be the true star in the Methodist run disco. We purchase in pounds, shillings and pence. I buy you a Watney shandy. You giggle in a girlish way, enjoying blowing in my ear, when you really were intending to say you felt the same way.
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Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Feb 28 16, 08:23
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 256
Joined: 2-November 15
From: Croydon, Surrey
Member No.: 5,284
Real Name: Antony Glaser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy
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Thank you Heather for your interest and tips
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Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Feb 29 16, 01:23
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP
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I like this one a lot. Someone imagines a friend, 40 years or more younger and with a different future, if they had met. Great imagery, story and skillful use of internal and end off or perfect rhymes. Love this line - "minor bubblegum hit"
Nevertheless, I have nits, of course I have nits but not many:
1. Since this is taking place in the past, then the tense should be in past tense.
2. I'd suggest you review your punctuation to make sure the poem flows more smoothly. For example, the first line should have a comma and not a period.
3. think about cutting some words to stress the altys you have going like: "sparking turquoise top" to just "turquoise top" / "wearing white leather boots to "wearing white boots".
4. I'd delete the "We purchase in pounds, shillings and pence" line unless you can clarify what you're actually purchasing.
Luce
Ahhhh - hot pants. I remember them. I traded them in for green fatigue pants and a black beret with a red star on it.
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Mar 23 16, 15:15
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
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Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
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I agree with many of the points Luce made. I am just wondering about timing...1970, yes there was bubblegum but Disco? maybe the term but not the music surely, or have I forgotten the 70s?
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Mar 23 16, 22:14
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP
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QUOTE (Critter @ Mar 23 16, 16:15 ) I agree with many of the points Luce made. I am just wondering about timing...1970, yes there was bubblegum but Disco? maybe the term but not the music surely, or have I forgotten the 70s? Height of disco era was around the mid 70's. We're off by a few years. But then, this is a church dance. They would have old and new together. Heck! I've gone to dances lately where they still churn out Motown and people are trying to do "The Bump". OMG! Not so much disco - mainly because the dances were more complicated then. All that twirling - use to make me dizzy. Luce
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Mar 24 16, 01:29
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,912
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Love this, Antony! I remember wearing hot pants myself...LOL. But nowadays girls wear them again, except they don't call them hot pants. At night, to go to a disco, they wear skin-tight shiny ones or something similar! Not much to nit here.
QUOTE (greenwich @ Feb 27 16, 14:50 ) Whilst you sipped your tea at Bexhill station. <<<<<you need a comma here, not a period.I imagined you as younger; blue hot pants and a sparkling turquoise top wearing white leather boots, <<<<<<<Yes! I also wore white boots...LOL. dancing to a minor bubblegum hit, for you'd be the true star in the Methodist run disco. We purchase in pounds, shillings and pence. <<<<<Wow, I remember pence, as well as guineas. Pennies not used any more?I buy you a Watney shandy. <<<<<<No idea what Watney is, but it explains the money line. OK.You giggle in a girlish way, enjoying blowing in my ear, when you really were intending to say you felt the same way. Love this last stanza. Nice allit. in L1. In L2 you could eliminate the first 'ing', or else put 'enjoyed'. There are 3 'ings' in this stanza. But it doesn't make it less enjoyable, just tweak one 'ing'. ToT!! Tx for sharing these memories with us, Antony. Syl
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Mar 24 16, 13:41
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
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yes, mid 70s is what I remember. I hated it...
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