 Hope Rising |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Apr 12 04, 19:59
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#1
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 Babylonian  Posts: 80 Joined: 25-January 04 From: Alpharetta, Ga. Member No.: 52 Real Name: Elaine Crump Writer of: Poetry  |
Hope Rising
Play the Dance. by fire... by storm Hearth-flame kindled in ashes scorned. Play the Dance. by word... by stone Encircled fire. Encircled sun. Battle sired! Battle won! Play life's dance by hope... by faith For winter's heart once bare as bone trodden under by earth... by stone Played the Dance to sing again heart-fire kindled by flint... by wind Held to hope among cinders cold when none came hither to vanquish snow. So---beat the drum! without... within Sound the horn! Sound the wind! Play the Dance. by fire... by storm Cinder's hope burns once again. From ashes cold Fire undying Life renews Phoenix rising. Play the Dance! ·······  ······· |
  
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Apr 13 04, 06:25
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Dear E,
This is certainly interesting ! Can I ask first is there a reason not to split into stanzas ? Makes it easier for old grumps like me to start/change/stop ! Hope Rising Play the Dance. ~by fire ~by storm Hearth-fire kindled in ashes scorned. Play the Dance. ~by word ~by stone Encircled fire. Encircled sun. Battle sired! Battle won! Play life's dance ~by hope ~by faith For winter's heart once bare as bone trodden under ~by earth ~by stone Played the Dance to sing again heart-fire kindled ~by flint ~by wind Held to hope among cinders cold when none came hither to vanquish snow. So---beat the drum! ~without ~within Sound the horn! Sound the wind! Play the Dance. ~by fire ~by storm Cinder's hope burns once again. From ashes cold Fire undying Life renews Phoenix rising. Play the Dance! Don't know if I've chosen the right breaks - or don't you want any at all ? Once you tell me, I'll happily check thru for any more nits ! It's certainly lively and, as it should be, full of hope. Love Alan |
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Apr 13 04, 06:36
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#3
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Babylonian Posts: 80 Joined: 25-January 04 From: Alpharetta, Ga. Member No.: 52 Real Name: Elaine Crump Writer of: Poetry |
Hi, Alan: Wrote this late last night. Just ran out of time to edit the breaks in. Had to quit before my eyes got worse. (Allergy season). It reads a lot better with verses. Thanks for zeroing in on it. :) Hope you like the rest of it. Happy reading. Elaine:
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Apr 15 04, 05:16
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Elaine!
 Are you planning any revisions or shall I critique as this one stands so far?  Firstly, let me say that your use of the tildas throws me off a tad on the visual layout of the piece, imho. Secondly. I like the repetition of your first line (the word 'dance' throughout): "Play the Dance." Make sure to begin the seconds lines with a capital (that's the punctuation policer in me).  IF we played with the layout, I could see a few ways, any or none which are completely up to you of course. For example, if we take S1: Play the Dance. ~by fire ~by storm Hearth-fire kindled in ashes scorned. Another option: Play the Dance. By fire by storm. Hearth-fire kindled * SInce you are using Hearth as a posessive - endstop storm? in ashes scorned. Play the Dance. By fire... by storm; Hearth-flames kindled * changed repetitive use of word fire here. in ashes scorned. OR: Play the Dance. By fire, by storm. Open-Hearth kindled in ashes scorned. There are many ways to visually display this piece. Please let me know if any or none strike your fancy? I'll be back to crit the remaining stanzas soon...  ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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Apr 15 04, 07:37
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#5
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Babylonian Posts: 80 Joined: 25-January 04 From: Alpharetta, Ga. Member No.: 52 Real Name: Elaine Crump Writer of: Poetry |
 Hi, Cleo: Thanks for your comments and suggestions. I first wrote this poem with the idea of using the cadance to represent the sound of a drum, or 'drum dance'. Thus, the short phrases and strong meter. This is one poem that needs to be read out loud with a narrator reading the main verses and a small group answering (by fire, by storm). I just didn't know the best way to seperate the short phrases from the rest of the poem. I tried using:Play the Dance. (by fire, by storm) Hearth-fire kindled from ashes scorned. But this didn't visually do anything for me, even though it does accomplish the idea of seperation.  What do you think? Any suggestions or ideas? I like your idea about changing Hearth-fire to Hearth-flame kindled. :pharoah2 Thanks for you help. I'll check back later. Hugs: Elaine ······· ······· |
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Apr 15 04, 20:13
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Elaine!
Why not use italics for the chorus? It's worked well in other pieces I've read before? For example: Play the Dance. by fire... by storm Hearth-flame kindled in ashes scorned. Play the Dance. by word... by stone; Encircled fire. Encircled sun. Battle sired! Battle won! Just another idea for ya to T or T.... ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Apr 15 04, 20:38
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#7
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Dear Elaine,
Agree with Cleo, would go even further, italics and inset : For example: Play the Dance. by fire... by storm Hearth-flame kindled in ashes scorned. Play the Dance. by word... by stone; Encircled fire. Encircled sun. Battle sired! Battle won! Love Alan |
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Apr 16 04, 06:14
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#8
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Babylonian Posts: 80 Joined: 25-January 04 From: Alpharetta, Ga. Member No.: 52 Real Name: Elaine Crump Writer of: Poetry |
:pharoah2 Thanks Cleo and Alan! Both suggestions work well. Now I just have to adjust my thinking and re-edit the poem. Appreciate the help.
Probably get to work on it Sunday. It's prom week (6 proms to be exact) and I have a heavy work load today and tomorrow. I'm a floral designer, and that means lots and lots of corsages to do. Have a great day and I'll talk to you later. Hugs: Elaine
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May 1 04, 15:52
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#9
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(LadyEvergreen865 @ April 16 2004, 07:14) :pharoah2 Thanks Cleo and Alan! Both suggestions work well. Now I just have to adjust my thinking and re-edit the poem. Appreciate the help. Probably get to work on it Sunday. It's prom week (6 proms to be exact) and I have a heavy work load today and tomorrow. I'm a floral designer, and that means lots and lots of corsages to do. Have a great day and I'll talk to you later. Hugs: Elaine Hi Elaine!Glad to be of service! Your revision :sings: :sings: :sings: ! I feel the beat! :pharoah2 How did your 'prom week' turn out? Lots of corsages to make and make all the ladies and young men grow up too soon I'll bet? :detective: Cheers! :cheer: ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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May 6 04, 17:41
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#10
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Babylonian Posts: 80 Joined: 25-January 04 From: Alpharetta, Ga. Member No.: 52 Real Name: Elaine Crump Writer of: Poetry |
Thanks Cleo. Last prom this weekend (May 7), plus Mothers Day. Two weddings the next weekend and then I'm free from manic flower holidays until school starts in September. Whew! Perhaps I'll do more posting this summer when it's quieter. Enjoy your weekend. :sun: Elaine
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May 6 04, 18:38
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#11
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Hi Elaine,
when I read this, it reminded me of the ancient greek theater, with the use of the chorus, to echo thoughts. In a very early challenge by Cleo, at another site, I used actual comments to set up the intent. This was in the form of 2 singers each doing solo and then duet. See nothing wrong with informing the reader with a helpful hint. Once into this, a nice rhythm and pace. Larry 
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May 7 04, 06:17
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#12
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Babylonian Posts: 80 Joined: 25-January 04 From: Alpharetta, Ga. Member No.: 52 Real Name: Elaine Crump Writer of: Poetry |
Thanks Larry. And you're right, I remember reading some Greek plays when I was in school. (Ancient History....in more than one way.  ) Love to read your work as well. You have a great week. Elaine
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May 7 04, 18:01
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#13
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hello Elaine,
I like the style in which this was written. I think you did a great job with it. It was great reading you. :) Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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May 7 04, 19:35
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#14
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Babylonian Posts: 80 Joined: 25-January 04 From: Alpharetta, Ga. Member No.: 52 Real Name: Elaine Crump Writer of: Poetry |
 Thanks Daniah! Looking forward to reading some of yours as well. Have a great week. :sun: Elaine
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