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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Sep 25 05, 20:07
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#1
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 Egyptian  Posts: 388 Joined: 26-October 03 From: Southeast USA Member No.: 37 Real Name: Jan Writer of: Poetry  |
Take it off-
you don’t need it. Feel the tricklin’ drops formin’ fattenin’ drippin’ down your brow now- Take it off- Let it slip down slide down ride down glide down- d o w n d o w n your arms need nothing- no sweater now. ·······  ······· |
  
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| Guest_Toumai_* |
Sep 27 05, 01:36
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#2
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Hi Jan
I'm sitting here trying to crit this with my PJs and 2 fleeces on ... our winter is on the way. This has a lovely, dripping, slipping shape and internal rhythm and rhyme that I very much enjoyed; brought a smile to my face. you don’t need it. Feel the tricklin’ drops formin’ fattenin’ --- wonderfully evocative (erm ...) drippin’ down your brow now- Take it off- Let it slip down slide down ride down glide down- d o w n d o w n your arms need nothing- no sweater now. --- lovely punch line after all the sweat above. No suggestions, but just dropping by to say I enjoyed it.  Fran |
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Sep 27 05, 05:56
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#3
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Egyptian Posts: 388 Joined: 26-October 03 From: Southeast USA Member No.: 37 Real Name: Jan Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Fran,
 Nothing like removing a sweater in the seasonal switch from summer to autumn!  That's what this is all about, although it may provide another path of thought for the reader! :pumpkin: Thank you for not shying away from this. It's quite innocent~~really. Best to you, Jan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_Nina_* |
Sep 27 05, 06:23
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#4
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Hi Jan
I'm afraid it's on with the layers now summer is over. I get cold far too quickly to even think of taking my sweater off and it is back to socks and thick PJs in bed. Take it off- Let it slip down slide down ride down glide down- d o w n d o w n your arms need nothing- no sweater now There is a very sensual feel to this poem. I could almost imagine someone whispering the words to me while taking the sweater (would probably have to be a cardi) off me. Hmm yes, I might be warm then. I enjoyed the read Nina |
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Sep 27 05, 18:51
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#5
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hello Jan.
Well now, what have we here? It's gotten awefully HOT in here! :upside: :oops: :grinning: Your visual technique really adds to the drama of your words ~ a nice balance, alingering, a yearning, and then VOILA - off it goes! :cheer: :wolf:  No nits - just savoring this one in my memory. :sprite: Well done and good to see you Jan!   Cleo :gardener: ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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Sep 28 05, 03:41
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#6
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,660 Joined: 23-August 03 From: Somerset, England Member No.: 22 Real Name: Grace Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Hi Jan,
 Having just read this piece, scrolling down slowly, the word sweater jumped out at me as if written in neon lights! Very clever, very provocative, but I don't know if it is just me, (and I'm and old lady  ) I felt a slight let down as the end, before I saw the mischief and irony of the poem! I had expected if to be something more alluring, say like a negligee, but then that is what you wanted us to think isn't it? so it works perfectly. Well done Jan and thanks for the read. :hsdance: ······· ······· Love
Grace  http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings! MM Award Winner      |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Sep 29 05, 09:36
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#7
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Hi Jan,
Teehee! That sweater sure caught me off-guard! Very clever! I love the way you formatted this. I think it aids in the slow, sensual vibe this puts off. No nits, just pure enjoyment! Cathy 
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