Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Let Us Gather...***, Rhyming couplets (acbd end rhyme scheme)
Luce
post Nov 17 15, 16:51
Post #1


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP



Let Us Gather…REVISION II

Every year the pot comes down
beside Aunt Clara from her roost.

Her cat, the one we almost drowned,
still tries to bite. Thank God for boots.

There's sister Jan and her gang of kids
who'll fill the house with high pitch screams.

There’s cousin Joe who burps and spits
while hollering for his football team.

Our kinfolk come and then they go
all stuffed to burst with the juicy latest.

They fill the pot with all they know
and then they die and go to Vegas.

****************************************************************

Let Us Gather…REVISION

Every year the pot comes down
besides Aunt Clara from her roost.

Her cat, the one we almost drowned,
still tries to bite us. Thank God for boots.

Sister Jan and her gang of kids
fill the house with high pitch screams.

There’s cousin Joe who burps and spits
hollering for his football team.

Families come and families go
stuffed to burst with the juicy latest.

They fill the pot with all they know
then they die and go to Vegas.

Note: Please! No cat was intentionally harmed in the production of this poem. See note way below.

*****************************************************************

I was saving this for Christmas - but oh what the heck. Pre-Thanksgiving is close
enough. Besides, the rhyming board seems a little bare.


Let Us Gather… - ORIGINAL

Every year the pot comes down
besides Aunt Clara from her roost.

Her cat, the one we almost drowned,
still tries to bite us. Thank God for boots.

Sister Jan and her gang of kids
fill the house with screams.

While cousin Joe, who spits
his words, cheers for his team.

Relatives come and they go
stuffed with the juicy latest.

They fill the pot with all they know
then they die and go to Vegas.


Luce

Note: Please! No cat was intentionally harmed in the production of this poem. A visiting relative's cat just decided to make a mad dash around the kitchen at the same time another relative was carrying a large pot full of water to put the peeled potatoes in. The cat got wet, the kitchen floor got wet, the relative got very wet.

The boot reference really involved another visiting relative's senior toy poodle who would growl and nip
at your ankles when you came in. It was okay in winter cause we all had boots on because of the cold
weather. Summer was torture though.

Alas, both cat and dog have been in pet heaven for many years now. Sad2.gif But after that, no pets were allowed at family gatherings - except for puppies and kittens. Hey we're not that heartless.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
jerryk
post Nov 17 15, 19:02
Post #2


Egyptian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 369
Joined: 10-May 11
From: Outskirts of Sonoran Desert
Member No.: 4,480
Real Name: JerryK
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



QUOTE (Luce @ Nov 17 15, 14:51 ) *
I was saving this for Christmas - but oh what the heck. Pre-Thanksgiving is close
enough. Besides, the rhyming board seems a little bare.

Hi there, Luce;
I can't comment on the rhyming scheme and meter; I'm a bit rusty when it comes to either, but I will say that yours is a clever anecdotal account that reminds me of "Christmas Vacation" with Chevy Chase. In my opinion, no ball games should be televised on Christmas Day, lol.
Happy to hear that no animals were harmed, lol. I'm a cats and dogs owner who just returned from the doggy park. I picked up various scents that now confuse my cats. Take care, minniemouse.gif
Jerry
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Luce
post Nov 18 15, 17:41
Post #3


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP



Thanks Jerry for responding. I'm glad you liked the poem.

Yes, the holidays can be really unintentionally funny. For instance, whenever we talk
about that particular holiday gathering, my aunt always says.

"Oh I remember that one. That's the day you almost drowned my cat."

She said it so often that after a while that's how all of us labeled that gathering - long
after the cat and Auntie had passed on.

Luce
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JustDaniel
post Nov 18 15, 21:22
Post #4


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 12,767
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hey, Luce

Great to read you. I've really missed visiting here for some time because of lack of participation. Perhaps I should return! I love the little window into the family story; it's very engaging.

Actually, your rhyme scheme is abab, cdcd, efef, and I love the several slant rhymes, which provide excellent variety to your words.

I like the meter of your first two couplets, each line with four pulses. The following lines, however vary from 4 to 3 pulses, and I think that creates a bit of a stumble, at least in my opinion. I think that they can be rather easily fixed, if you care to workshop it.

Again, a very engaging story here with good rhyme.

deLightingly, Daniel sun.gif


·······IPB·······

Slow down; things will go faster!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Luce
post Nov 19 15, 18:21
Post #5


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP



Hi Daniel,

I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the correction on how to properly identify the rhyme scheme.
I wish I could correct the topic subtitle with your correction but I'm having problems finding out how
to do that here.

I looked it up in the FAQ's and it said I had to select "full edit" if I want to correct the topic title
or subtitle. But I don't have that option when I go to my post. I just have "edit".

Yes, I would love to workshop this poem. I'd like to be able to write longer and more consistent
metered pieces. Right now I'm largely dependent on reading it aloud and trying to identify stresses.

I can usually identify the strong pulses but it's the multi syllable words that get me. After a while
everything sounds stressed - or maybe it's just me. charliebrown.gif

I've done a revision to try and correct the lines I think just have 3 pulses. I hope I identified the right
ones.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Nov 19 15, 18:41
Post #6


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (Luce @ Nov 19 15, 23:21 ) *
I wish I could correct the topic subtitle with your correction but I'm having problems finding out how
to do that here.

I looked it up in the FAQ's and it said I had to select "full edit" if I want to correct the topic title
or subtitle. But I don't have that option when I go to my post. I just have "edit".


Hi Luce, we used to have a 'full edit' button as well as the 'edit' one, but with the last update it seems to be reduced to just 'edit'. However, you should be able to edit your title line by pressing the 'edit' button. (I've done mine tonight) If this is not working for you please let me know or speak directly to Lori (admin) Cleo_Serapis by p.m.

Eira/Eisa


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Luce
post Nov 19 15, 18:49
Post #7


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP



Hi Eisa,

Thanks for the quick response.

I'm able to edit my actual post. No problem. It was just the topic title and sub topic I couldn't revised, when needed.

Well, at least the mystery has been solved as to why I can't revise the topic title and/or sub-topic title.. From now on I'll avoid putting anything in the sub title section. I'll put any additional details on the poem (like type, etc) within the post itself. This way, if I have to change it, I can easily.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JustDaniel
post Nov 19 15, 21:29
Post #8


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 12,767
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (Luce @ Nov 17 15, 16:51 ) *
Let Us Gather…REVISION
You're hearing those pulses correctly, Luce. You've done a great job with the revision. Let me offer a few suggestions to further smooth out the meter. Just read it again out loud and see how it feels to you. Remember, these are just suggestions, not corrections.

Every year the pot comes down
beside(s) Aunt Clara from her roost.
Her cat, the one we almost drowned,
still tries to bite.(us) Thank God for boots.

Our sister Jan and her gang of kids
will fill the house with high-pitch screams.
There’s cousin Joe who burps and spits
while holl'ring for his football team.

Families come and families go

Our kinfolk come; before they go,
they're
stuffed to burst with the juicy latest.
They fill the pot their plates with all they know
and then they die and go to Vegas.


As to the EDIT button, I think you'll find that AFTER you click on it, you will see two options, one of which is FULL EDIT, which will allow you to change the Title lines. Give it a try.

deLighting in sharing with you, Daniel
sun.gif


·······IPB·······

Slow down; things will go faster!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Nov 20 15, 07:34
Post #9


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Luce

I spoke with Lori about the edit button and she says
Newbies cannot edit titles until they reach 50 posts. This is an old rule put in place.
I'm not sure of the reason for this, but I'm sure there is one.

I'll come back to your poem & give it a look when I have time (FV forum is busy!) but I can assure you that you are in safe hands with Daniel.

Eira

Hi Daniel - great to see you in this forum!


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Nov 20 15, 18:34
Post #10


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hahaha, that was a fun poem to read, Luce. rofl.gif

So are you saying that Vegas is Heaven? angel.gif

Yes, Honestly, I cannot remember why we set it up that way but we had some issues earlier on that could always be revisited where we created two different levels of members you have the silver members who can't edit titles or delete posts and then once you get to 50 posts then you can edit titles, but I am not sure if anybody can delete posts as gold members? I'll have to check on that.

If you need any help please let one of us know and we can certainly assist.

Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo Pharoah.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Psyche
post Nov 20 15, 22:56
Post #11


Ornate Oracle
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 3,805
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Grace Galton & David Ting




Hi all,
I jumped over the wall from FV and intended to comment on Luce's poem, which is great! Glad to see you've already had great help, Luce.

So I'll just zoom in on the "Edit" problem, because it's annoying. About being a newbie, it's rather funny, since I've been here since 2004 and have posted a lot more than 50 times. And all of a sudden my Edit button has stopped working! I now remember JustDaniel's point that we had "Full Edit" as well, but I don't have that option any more, in fact I can't even "Edit", altho' the button is there.
I changed my mouse, just in case...LOL...and clicked away, but no...out of order.
Can't do anything at all with my titles or even my revisions.
Won't go off in a huff about this. I'll just use Quote or New Reply, trying to include everything at my first go!

While we're at it, personally I don't like using the term 'newbie' for poets who've been writing for years on various forums, and have published books. I use that term for beginners, people who want to learn how to write poetry from scratch.

OK, I'll do some reading here, love R&R! Will return.

Cheers to all,
Psyche







·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
RC James
post Nov 21 15, 07:22
Post #12


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody



Luce - A folksy little account of what seems to be a Thanksgiving dinner, I'm out of the country so haven't kept in touch with the occasion. I like the rhythm of it, and the sardonic ending. Truly Umurikan. Cheers, RC
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Luce
post Nov 22 15, 03:28
Post #13


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP



Thanks Daniel, Eisa, Cleo & Sylvia & Richard for dropping by and/or providing
feedback.

Daniel - Thanks for the detailed feedback. I'm all for further polishing the poem.
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll be mulling them over for a few days before I post
another revision.

Eisa, Cleo, Sylvia - Glad you liked the poem. As far as the "full edit" feature goes,
well... I guess I'm going to find out if I have the "full edit" feature when I hit
50 posts.

Richard - Nice to hear from you Richard. Yes, Thanksgiving is a biggie here but
it quickly gets sidelined by Black Friday - the unofficial beginning of Christmas
shopping.

Luce
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Nov 22 15, 14:35
Post #14


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Luce - you should always be able edit your topic, I just had a restriction on editing the topic title and description. For some reason, which I cannot remember now, I had made that change years ago between the Silver and Gold members. I edited that function a few minutes ago. I've also revised the Help file for Member Groups to differentiate the groups as follows:

Member groups are defined as Members, Moderators, Administrators and Guests and designate which forums these members can read, start new topics in and make replies to.

Here at MM, we have 8 member groups:
Awaiting Authorization: These members cannot post on the forum until the Administrator approves their membership.
Bronze Member: These members cannot use the PM system, cannot vote in polls, and participate in certain forums. They also cannot access the Member Showcase forums, and Adult Works Forum (Shambhalan Sanctuary). They also do not receive emails from the Admins.
Silver Member: These members have less than 50 posts. This group automatically promotes to Gold Member at 50 posts. This group cannot participate in our Adult Works forum, not can they start polls.
Gold Member: These members have greater than 50 posts, Adult Works Sanctuary qualifier and can start polls.
Platinum Member: These members have donated funds to support the Mosaic's website and forum board activities. In addition to having the same access as Gold Members, these members can open/close their own topics and delete their own posts.
Centurion: Staff Member
Praetorian: Staff Moderator
Administrator: Site Administrator

To accommodate members who are eligible to post in our adult-themed forum, Shambhalan Sanctuary, located in the 'Adult Works ~ Pendragon's Prudence' Category, the Gold Member level must be achieved once 50 posts have been made.

Edit to add: Also, there is a difference when using Internet Explorer vs. Google Chrome and Firefox that is messing up the 'edit' function. When using IE, you are not getting an option to use either full or quick edit and also the text box is not wrapping the text. If possible, please try to use Chrome or Firefox if this is an issue for you using IE until we can sort it out with code changes. It might also be skin-dependent but I am not certain of that - I CAN confirm that IE 10 and 11 have this problem with this software.

Cheers,
Cleo sun.gif

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Nov 22 15, 15:25


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
AMETHYST
post Nov 24 15, 06:15
Post #15


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hello Luce,

Welcome to Mosaic Musings. Reading your work and the diligence and skill of your revisions, I would say that you and MM are like two peas from the same pod and a good match. I have been away and quite rusty at critique, but your latest revision leaves me only with positive comments. I enjoyed how the story you tell has a bit fun and playfulness while wrapping around memories.

I sense a little sadness, it is delicate within the words yet present. I also felt your rhythm was nice. It kept the read smooth and uninterrupted. I may return later on for more thoughts, off to work I go, I go...

Nice to meet you, Liz


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Luce
post Nov 24 15, 23:51
Post #16


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP



Thanks Liz. I'm glad you liked the poem and that you did detect a touch of sadness,
in the end, along with the humor.

Happy Gobble day to you and to all.

Love,

Luce
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
AMETHYST
post Nov 26 15, 05:34
Post #17


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Happy Thanksgiving to you also. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Best to you, Liz


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 22nd September 2019 - 01:08




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: