Familiar Warmth (revision 3), FV CR *** Options

[Eisa]

REVISION 3

I've rearranged the stanzas - hope its improved!

Familiar Warmth

I settle opposite my hubby,
where a window table pampers us
with welcome refreshments,

Mam’s sitting here with us.

My stare declares he mustn’t sneer,
as he peers up from the Daily News,
closed mouth smile indulging me.

I flip through my memory pages
until I’m lunching here with her,
munching ham and salad bagels.
We gaze through the glass
at the crowded car park,
where bargain hunters cram
their trunks with treasure.

After our rummage through
the mall, we relished
time for energy renewal,
gulping cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.

Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me.

Is it the sun’s embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea?

Years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips
tingle.

-----------------------------------------------

Familiar Warmth (revision 2 + a few tweaks)

Bulging shopping bags
weigh against the wall where
a window table pampers us
with welcome refreshments.

I flip through my memory pages
until I’m lunching here with her,
munching ham & salad bagels.
We gaze through the glass
into the crowded car park,
where bargain hunters cram
their trunks with treasure.

After our rummage through
the shopping mall, we relished
time for energy renewal,
gulping cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.

Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me.

Mam’s sitting here with us.

Today, seated opposite hubby,
my stare dares him not to sneer
as he peers up from the Daily News,
closed mouth smile indulging me.

Is it the sun's embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt?

Years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips
tingle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recent tweaks

St 1 L3 was

a window table pleasures us

St2 was

I flip through my memory pages
until I’m lunching here with her,
munching ham & salad bagels
as we gazed through the glass
into the crowded car park,
where bargain hunters crammed
their trunks with treasure.

St3 L4 was

drinking cups of gossip

Last but one St L1 was

Is it the sunrays’ embrace

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Familiar Warmth (revision 1)

Parked on the padded chairs
at the window table
we are pleasured by refreshments;
bulging shopping bags
loll against the wall.

I flip through my memory pages
until I’m lunching here with her,
munching ham & salad bagels;
we gazed through the glass
into the crowded car park,
where bargain hunters crammed
their trunks with treasure.

After our rummage through
the shopping mall, we relished
time for energy renewal,
drinking cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me.

Mam’s sitting here with us.

Today, perched opposite hubby,
my stare dares him not to sneer.
Peering up from the Daily News
his closed mouth smile indulges me.

Is it the sunrays embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt? … but

years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared,
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips tingle.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL

Familiar Warmth

Parked on the padded chairs
at the window table
we are pleasured by refreshments;
bulging shopping bags
weigh against the wall.

I recall , lunching here with her,
munching chicken & salad bagels;
we gazed through the glass
as bargain hunters cram
their trunks with treasure.

After our rummage through the shopping mall
we relished time for energy renewal
drinking cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me.

Today, I perch opposite my husband
Mam’s sitting here with us -
my stare dares him not to sneer.
Peering up from the Daily News
his closed mouth smile indulges me.

Is it the sunrays embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt? … but

years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared,
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips tingle.

[Ephiny]

Hello Snow,

I really loved this..that last line just took me breath away and as I read, I could not only picture the scene of the shopping mall and watching the shoppers but then have this wonderful glimpse into a treasured memory and it's such a testament to your writing that you can share such a personal and important memory and allow the reader to "see" so clearly, not just the memory but your thoughts about it now. I think it's beautiful. I put in a few suggestions and they're only small so please feel free to ignore!!



Familiar Warmth

Parked on the padded chairs
at the window table
we are pleasured by refreshments;
bulging shopping bags
weigh against the wall. (I wondered about using "weighted" as so often the more shopping we have, the harder to keep the bags sitting upright?! Only a tiny detail though)

I recall , lunching here with her, (do you need "I recall"..just a thought..)
munching chicken & salad bagels;
we gazed through the glass
as bargain hunters cram
their trunks with treasure. (should "cram" be "crammed"?)

After our rummage through the shopping mall
we relished time for energy renewal
drinking cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me. (brilliant and lovely image)

Today, I perch opposite my husband (how about "today, perched opposite my husband?")
Mam’s sitting here with us - (as such a powerful line..would this work in itallics? or even standing alone above the stanza then going on to the line with your husband?)
my stare dares him not to sneer.
Peering up from the Daily News
his closed mouth smile indulges me. (so well described..)

Is it the sunrays embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt? … but

years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared,
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips tingle.

I adore these last two stanzas..wouldn't change a think about them and that final line..such a beautiful way of showing the extraordinary in a routine event shared with someone so special..this is really marvellous and I'm so glad I read it xx