Flack Jacket [5th Edit 22 July], Wizard Award, At war with life... Options

[Peterpan]

5th Edit

. .

Flack Jacket

I persist on furrowed path. Ducking
fire, stray bullets connect exposed flesh, slashing it
open with burning delight. Tissue ignites,
nerve endings sear, blood drips
a glistening pathway in the sinless dirt. Snarled
by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
rendering me pierced and ensnared. My icy soul bleached
naked is drained and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.

Damaged flack jacket peels from torment…
exposing my gory body armour and me.

Copyright © July 2008 Beverleigh G Annegarn




4th Edit

Flack Jacket

I persist on furrowed path. Ducking
fire, stray bullets connect exposed flesh, slashing it
open with burning delight. Tissue ignites,
nerve endings sear, blood drips
a glistening pathway in the innocent dirt. Snarled
by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
rendering me pierced and ensnared. My icy soul bleached
naked, it is drained and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.
Damaged flack jacket peels from torment…
exposing my gory body armour and me.

Copyright © July 2008 Beverleigh G Annegarn



3rd Edit

Flack Jacket

I persist on furrowed path. Ducking
fire, stray bullets connect exposed flesh, slashing it
open with burning delight. Tissue ignites,
nerve endings sear, blood drips
a glistening pathway in the innocent dirt. Snarled
by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
rendering me pierced and ensnared. An icy soul bleached
naked, drained and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.
My damaged flack jacket peels from torment…
exposing my gory body armour and me.

Copyright © July 2008 Beverleigh G Annegarn



2nd Edit

Flack Jacket

I persist a furrowed path. Ducking
fire; stray bullets connect exposed flesh, slashing it
open with burning delight. Tissue ignites,
nerve endings sear, blood drips
a glistening pathway in the innocent dirt. Snarled
by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
renders me pierced and ensnared. Soul bleached
naked; icy and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.
My damaged flack jacket peels from torment…
exposing my gory body armour and me.

Copyright © July 2008 Beverleigh G Annegarn



1st Edit - took out 'stretched' at the end of 8th line. And changed "I" to "me" in the final line.

Flack Jacket

I persist a furrowed path. Ducking
fire; stray bullets connect exposed flesh, slashing it
open with burning delight. Tissue ignites,
nerve endings sear, blood drips
a glistening pathway in the innocent dirt. Snarled
by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
renders me pierced and ensnared. Soul bleached
naked; icy and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.
My gory body armour peels from torment…
exposing my damaged flack jacket and me.

Copyright © July 2008 Beverleigh G Annegarn



Flack Jacket

I persist a furrowed path. Ducking
fire; stray bullets
connect exposed flesh, slashing it
open with burning delight. Tissue ignites,
nerve endings sear, blood drips
a glistening pathway in the innocent dirt. Snarled
by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
renders me pierced and ensnared. Soul bleached and stretched
naked, quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.
My gory body armour peels from torment…
exposing my damaged flack jacket and I.

Copyright © July 2008 Beverleigh G Annegarn

[saore]

Bev the poem moves on with a lot of strength, and very quickly. I don't have any nits. You might try to slow it down a bit by adding some space every couple of lines. Just a thought.

[Peterpan]

Hi Sergio~

Thank you for your comments! I suppose the poem is the poem...life has a strength of its own? It takes one in ones flack jacket and can be merciless...

It is not meant to be a easy poem. So I am glad you found it to have a lot of strength.

It could have some space between the lines. But, I wanted the power to be in the compounding of the pain and torture.

Many thanks for stopping by.

With appreciation.

Bev

[Psyche]

Hi Bev!
No, indeed, it's not an easy poem to understand, but it comes across powerfully.

I have more questions than nits, for that very reason!

I take this to be an allegory of 'life' in its worst aspects. I'm not sure whether you're personifying the flack jacket, or whether the MC and the flack jacket sort of 'come together' at the end, both in tatters. Sorry, dumb me...

From the finale, I gather that the flack jacket is not enough protection from life's cruelties, either during wartime or just ordinary life. It seems to fuse with the MC's 'body armour', which may be a psychological interpretation, you know, the various mechanisms human beings use to protect themselves from whatever....

I'll be back again. I like your FV, with long & short lines, and plenty of enjambing, if that's the correct term..

Hugs, Syl ***

[Peterpan]

Hello Syl~

You are accurate with all your 'either or's'! It is 'LIFE' at its harshest - scars, warts and all.

Thank you for stopping by. Thank you for your comments. Sorry it is such a dark poem!

Bev

[Psyche]

Oh, no need to apologize for the harshness of your poem, Bev! The world & life have always been cruel (altho' the cards are dealt VERY unevenly...). Your piece works from many aspects. It relates rather well with us FMS sufferers...LOL...

Let's see now, T or T!!

Flack Jacket

I persist a furrowed path. Ducking
fire; stray bullets
connect exposed flesh, slashing it
open with burning delight. Tissue ignites,
nerve endings sear, blood drips
a glistening pathway in the innocent dirt. Snarled
by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
renders me pierced and ensnared. Soul bleached and stretched

Perhaps another word for 'stretched'?

naked, quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel. Great lines, Bev. Hit hard...wow...
My gory body armour peels from torment…
exposing my damaged flack jacket and I.

Your finale is perfect! Congrats. I shall nominate your poem for IBPC, if Admin agrees...and you accept!

Hugs, Syl ***

[Peterpan]

Gee Syl! I would be honoured to be nominated. I have been reading all that Rus posts on MM and I enjoy the famous poetry so much...I aspire to write well. My husband was doing computer back-ups today and I told him, when I am dead, perhaps then he can make some money out of me...hee hee! Until then, banished to poverty...:)

Oh well, we will see what the others think.

With appreciation for your valued support.

Bev

[Peterpan]

Hello All at MM

Edit to posting. Please help with crits so that I can submit final poem to IBPC.

Bev

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Bev,

What a powerful piece! Where did you come to the inspiration for this theme? WOW! Good luck at IBPC with this one. Yes, perhaps some space between lines would give a different look to it, but I'm not sure it matters - it's up to you anywho.

Here's some ideas I jotted down below. As always, take or toss.
~Cleo


I persist {a} [on] furrowed path. Ducking (suggest putting ‘I persist’ after ‘path’. Also ‘a’ isn’t grammatically correct, suggest ‘on’. Two alternates options;
I persist on furrowed path, ducking fire.
or
Ducking fire, I persist on furrowed path.)
fire{;}[,] stray bullets connect exposed flesh, slashing it
open with burning delight. Tissue ignites,
nerve endings sear, blood drips
a glistening pathway in the innocent dirt. Snarled (gruesome but good!)
by barbed-wire, I crawl, each {stretch} [extension]
{renders} [rendering] me pierced and ensnared{.}[;] soul bleached (this 2nd part seems not to be a complete sentence, see below for alternate ideas)
naked{;}[,] icy and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.
My damaged flack jacket peels from torment…
exposing my gory body armour and me. –suggest ‘and what’s left of me’ or 'all that remains of me'.

Some other suggestions (with different line breaks) as follows;
Ducking fire, I persist on furrowed path.

Stray bullets connect exposed flesh
slashing it open with burning delight.
Tissue ignites, nerve endings sear, blood drips
a glistening pathway in the innocent dirt.

Snarled by barbed-wire, I crawl, each extension
rendering me pierced and ensnared, soul bleached naked,
icy and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.

My damaged flack jacket peels from torment…
exposing my gory body armour; all that remains of me.

[Peterpan]

Hi Lori!

Thank you for taking the time...I will take a look and perhaps edit. I am not keen on line breaks as life does not give one 'a break'...I think the pace of the words are important?

Appreciation for your comments.

Bev

[Peterpan]

3rd Edit posted. Thank you Lori!

Bev

PS You were asking about inspiration...I have been reading Christine Lamb's book of war journalism. That is where, if you can call it inspiration, comes from.

[Psyche]

Oh my, Bev! It really reads good! Your Muse was in a bloody mood...wow....I like the breathless intensity of your work, how all the ghastly things happen one after the other, rendering the MC helpless in a rush of well....shrapnel!

Nowhere to hide...mmmm.....

Thanks for sharing,
Syl ***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Bev!

I've just two grammatical notes:

for this part:
Snarled by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
rendering me pierced and ensnared. An icy soul bleached
naked, drained and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.

The second sentence doesn't seem complete. I think you could easily fix it by changing the endstop after 'ensnared' to a semi-colon.

Snarled by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
rendering me pierced and ensnared; an icy soul bleached
naked, drained and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.

Cheers,
~Cleo

[Peterpan]

Hi Psyche and Lori~

Lori - I have struggled with the phrase...I know what you are saying and perhaps I have to add to rectify it rather than the semi colon? I will look at it again. Appreciation for your continued attention.

Psyche - thanks for stopping by, again. It is rather gory. Life is cruel to the majority of people in this world. My cruelty is just more graphic. You realise I have been reading Christine Lamb - Small Wars Permitting. Facinating book. Worth getting hold of. (I have been ill most of this year. I have had shingles twice and very bad stomach problems for months. The first time the shingles went on for three months. Perhaps that also explains the cruel pain. :)

With appreciation always for your care and readings.

Bev

[Peterpan]

Hello!

4th Edit.

Bev

[Cleo_Serapis]

Excellent Bev!

Two more ideas for you to ponder:

Snarled by barbed-wire, I crawl, each stretch
rendering me pierced and ensnared. My icy soul bleached
naked, it is drained and quivering from terror of life’s shrapnel.

Damaged flack jacket peels from torment…
exposing my gory body armour and me.


Delete that comma and the word 'it' and make the last couplet stand on its own.

Cheers,
~Cleo

[Peterpan]

Hi Lori!

Thank you for the prompt reply!

It looks good.

Bev

[Cleo_Serapis]

Bev!

I think this might be ready for the comp - hopefully, others will chime in as well.

Great job!
~Cleo

[Peterpan]

Bev

[Psyche]

Dear Bev,
Wow... shingles twice, that's very bad. I'm SO sorry. From a psychological point of view, I expect you wrote this poem influenced by Lamb's book as well as your own pain. Not everybody who reads that book will come up with a piece like yours, it's strange how our subconscious works....

In my country, after trying all the docs' medications for shingles, one goes to a 'healer', who paints the line of shingles with China ink!! Some people swear by it. I know I'd try anything for my FMS, but so far I haven't found a magic cure, just steadfast moderate exercise & a painkiller....

I'm off topic (can't find that emoticon any more)....will get back to your poem,
hugs, Syl ***

Psyche - thanks for stopping by, again. It is rather gory. Life is cruel to the majority of people in this world. My cruelty is just more graphic. You realise I have been reading Christine Lamb - Small Wars Permitting. Facinating book. Worth getting hold of. (I have been ill most of this year. I have had shingles twice and very bad stomach problems for months. The first time the shingles went on for three months. Perhaps that also explains the cruel pain. :)