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Jack's Back w/ edits thanx Cleo, Susanian Stanzas |
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Aug 12 07, 15:59
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin
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similar to spen-stas (Spenserian Stanzas) but with 10 lines and this scheme:) ababbcbcbb
Jack’s Back
Jill Spills (her guts)
I’m dancing on a cloud; don’t dash me down. I’ll wade around denial– still game to play.. I heard today that you were back in town, and hoped, perhaps, you’d contact me to say how much you’ve missed me since that Autumn day you flew off in a huff for parts unknown. I’ve read you hit it big out in LA and wondered why you never thought to phone.* Now here you are with promises to stay and here I am, prepared to let you have your way.
*was: and wondered why you didn’t ever phone.
Jack Flaps (his lips)
So dance, my dear, I dare not dash you down. I’ll lead you to denial with games I play. Since yesterday, when I flew into town, I’ve thought that should we meet somewhere, I’d say I’ve missed the way we were before that day you dumped me and I left– a green unknown-- to follow trails of stardust in LA. My wounded pride dismissed each urge to phone. Oh yes, about those promises to stay-- I will— if you’re prepared to let me have my way.
*was: My pride would not allow that I should phone.
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. MM Award Winner
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Aug 12 07, 17:37
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear Heartsong, This sounds suspiciously like the SHE/HE you recently posted. The forms seem to have great potential to garner reader involvement in poetic responses. You're setting the pace. Let's see what happemns while you're away! Cheers, Ron jgd
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Aug 12 07, 18:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 764
Joined: 18-October 04
From: Sabah, Malaysia
Member No.: 80
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Heartsong, This piece really intrigues me, a two piece poem, using the same words on both. I love it. Aggie
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Aug 13 07, 11:58
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin
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Thanks for looking in Ron. Yes, this one is in a similar vein as the last, but not the same characters. Responses are encouraged. Merlin's volley( "Mrs. Hobbit") from my "Lovers Meet Again" is super well done. It's all great fun. See you later, Sue
Hi Aggie, I'm so glad you enjoyed this fun piece. I've done several in the "he said, she said" vein. Merlin and another talented cyber-poet, Frances (MFK Buckley, who hasn't been around in quite awhile and whom we really miss) launched the concept last year and we enjoyed several rounds of imaginative play with them. Thank you for letting me know you enjoyed. Best Sue
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. MM Award Winner
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Aug 13 07, 13:01
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
Joined: 14-April 07
From: Texas Hill Country
Member No.: 420
Real Name: Mary Boren
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Looks like fun, Sue, and I'd love to play too but can't do it today. Just wanted you to know I've read and enjoyed.
Mary
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Aug 13 07, 17:41
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Great fun, Sue.
A note on Fran - she's often on the road doing lectures and things in US & Canadian cities, as well as keeping her B & B going. It appears her schedule is fairly full, and the writing has taken a back seat. We did a few of these He/She ones and had our good times at it. We also did a series (it just became one) giving the M/F + outsider views - some of which are printed in an anthology by Dr Neil McAllister.
So we welcome Mary, when you pecan.
I'll see if I can cook up a volley here - I'm actually still in drydock.
Merlin
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Aug 17 07, 21:08
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Bump cuz I'm gonna do a volley back. Mine is Spenserian Stanza, and the rhyme words follow, but don't completely duplicate this one.
Y'all come, different views make these loads of fun.
Merlin
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Aug 19 07, 01:32
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
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Applause, Sue. Your poems and titles are clever. These look like great fun. I love your Susanian Stanzas! Well, I try one tonight, since I have some time all to myself.
You know Sue, perhaps I'm just dense tonight, but I'm not getting S1L2: still game to play..
I keep thinking game should have an 's' on it. Is it just me, you think?
Anyway, this is great to read a very inspiring.
my best to you,
Michelle
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Aug 19 07, 02:01
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 160
Joined: 12-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 451
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Alan M Douglas
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Hi Sue!
My sentiments expressed by the others! Gosh, this is great fun, I thoroughly enjoyed comparing line by line!
Hugglies, Hon.....and do more! M
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Aug 19 07, 15:35
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin
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Thanks muchly, Merlin, Michelle and Misty, Yes, these are lots of fun and I'm tickled to know you enjoyed. Merlin, your volley is great! thanks for playing. I'll be home Tues. and look forward to catching up on my reading here. Take care y'all. Sue
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. MM Award Winner
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Aug 19 07, 15:40
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin
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Hi Mary, I almost missed your comments. I'm on an unfamiliar laptop and having a little trouble navigating. I'm glad you enjoyed...hope you can join the fun....your serve. Sue
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. MM Award Winner
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Aug 23 07, 18:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin
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Hi Michelle, QUOTE You know Sue, perhaps I'm just dense tonight, but I'm not getting S1L2: still game to play.. When I replied earlier, I was short on time and meant to come back and answer your question about 'game to play' I don't know if it's a common phrase or not, but it means something like still 'ready or willing' see here: http://users.tinyonline.co.uk/gswithenbank/sayingsg.htm S
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. MM Award Winner
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Guest_lizbaker_*
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Aug 23 07, 19:53
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Guest
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Hi Sue, As you well know, I'm not big on offering critique. I come only to read and enjoy your poetry and that of your friends here. Thank you for guiding me to the site. Keep writing, my friend. Liz
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Sep 2 07, 12:36
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Sue. You know, I've read this several times, and each time, this one becomes more poignant. I like the way you've used the same end words again and how 'Jack' is answering Jill, spilling her guts and him being all that, sigh... I especially enjoyed you dumped me and I left– a green unknown-- to follow trails of stardust in LA. The use of 'green' is clever, greener pastures in LA ? More $$$$$$ awaits, hence the stardust (star-studded) trails to come. The only stumble I had was for the same line in both stanzas: L8 and wondered why you didn’t ever phone.The 'didn't ever' seems forced to make 'phone' work. Would either of these fit: and wondered why you never thought to phone? and wondered why you hadn't ever phoned. and My pride would not allow that I should phone.I offer a few alternates: My pride would not allow the thought to phone.I didn't entertain the thought to phone. I never entertained the thought to phone. (or hadn't instead of never) This is the only troublesome spot I found in both stanzas and even for me, my crit is a stretch as it is really very well written as is. Well done - I enjoyed the two perspectives, the clever word choices, and the lyrical flow. Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 3 07, 09:08
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,591
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Dear Marm: Sorry I haven't been around much this past month... and have missed all the fun between you and Eric. DARN... but I just wanted to say how clever, inventive and refreshing this is. deLighting to see you experiment, Daniel P.S. May Susanian Verse live on!
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Sep 3 07, 11:37
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin
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Thank you, Liz, i'm glad you joined us. S
Hi Lori... Great input, thank you for that and the "well done" I've revised with your suggestions in mind. Sue
Hey there Daniel... It's good to have you back with your delightful wit and wordplay. thank you for checking this out. Sue
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. MM Award Winner
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Sep 3 07, 12:35
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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FANTABULOUS Sue! I think the changes in those 2 lines really work smoother and the second, My wounded pride dismissed each urge to phone, still keeps 'pride' in there which changes the perspective. Excellento! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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