Poltergeist, lyric Options

[Merlin]

Here's a shorty, note that the writer and narrator are not the same.



Poltergeist

When evening shadows grope
over the boxwood hedge,
screeches careen into my ears
here in this blue-lit room
where twilight shelters me
but still that poltergeist appears.

There’s nowhere left I can run
and nothing more for me to do.
What’s that? I hear footsteps. *
There’s nobody here!
No-one is near,
no dreaded incubus, **
no evil voodoo spell,
no booze to paralyze my fear.


* formerly 1 sentence with comma.
** originally phantom incubus,
leading to probable tautology, thx Jax

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
Your postings are ever changing in both style and message that I feel no confidence in my comments. I've tried in the past to limit my comments to those that might help the writer based on my knowledge of his style.
My first comment then is, do Merlin, Rooster and Chanticleer have different styles?
What strikes me most is the use here of a rhyme scheme I haven't seen from you before. Your work seems to me in the past to be more limited by older forms.
Glad to hear that the writer and narrator are not the same.
Cheers, ron jgdittier

[Merlin]

Dear Ron,
Thx for looking in and commenting >>
To wit, tu woo, I must confess that Chanticleer wrote down that mess you see below;
but up above, that regimen has sprung forth from our Merlin's pen.


(Sorry, JK)

I hope that I shall never be
Put into just one category.
I’d feel as though my mouth is prest
Against a window facing west
Without the hope to go and play,
But sit inside the livelong day!
I’d be a tree in summer wear
But shed of robins in her hair;
Instead I see both snow and rain
Along with grass where it has lain.
There sometimes must be fools like me,
And others who write poetry!

Merlin & Co

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin, er Chanticleer?
Now you've done it!
Since I haven't read your Kilmer para before, I assume it's fresh out of your quill
and that Chanti has an especial way to enchant me. Does Chanti use his own tail feathers to write such classics?
Nicely done!
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

[JaxMyth]

Hi Merlin,

It seems accentual trimeter but L6 S2 does not satisfy.

When evening shadows grope
over the boxwood hedge, (Great opening.)
screeches careen into my ears (Can a screech careen?)
here in this blue-lit room (here in this twi-lit room)
where twilight shelters me
but still that poltergeist appears. (where the poltergeist appears.)

There’s nowhere left I can run
and nothing more for me to do.
What’s that? I hear footsteps, (Do poltergeists have footsteps?)
there’s nobody here!
No-one is near,
no phantom incubus, (Is an incubus not a phantom?)
no evil voodoo spell,
no booze to paralyze my fear.

It does appear to be a preliminary draft.

I hope that is of some use.

Regards,

Jax

[Merlin]

Hi Ron,
he actually steals one from Rooster when R is snoozing.



Hello Jax,

Thank you for your insight and commenting.

I’ll concede that L6 S2 will be a problem and an adjustment is necessary. Before going with it, I did consult Answers.com, who list 3 definitions for both phantom & incubus. They can be, but need not be the same. However, since the natural conclusion will be a ghost, and since that does require explanation, it’s not right.

Your other points >>>

It seems accentual trimeter
Meter is varied, made to fit the presentation instead of following any set standard.

Can a screech careen
Yes, if it’s bouncing off walls.

Using twi-lit would clash with twilight right below it.

“where twilight shelters me
where the poltergeist appears”
Hmmm – wears out the wheres, dontcha think?

Do poltergeists have footsteps?
Is it the poltergeist making the footsteps?

You feel a draft?


Merlin

[JaxMyth]

Hi Merlin,

Can a screech careen
Yes, if it’s bouncing off walls.
ca·reen (k-rn)
v. ca·reened, ca·reen·ing, ca·reens
v.intr.
1. To lurch or swerve while in motion.
2. To rush headlong or carelessly; career: "He careened through foreign territories on a desperate kind of blitz" Anne Tyler.
3. Nautical
a. To lean to one side, as a ship sailing in the wind.
b. To turn a ship on its side for cleaning, caulking, or repairing.
v.tr. Nautical
1. To cause (a ship) to lean to one side; tilt.
2.
a. To lean (a ship) on one side for cleaning, caulking, or repairing.
b. To clean, caulk, or repair (a ship in this position).
n. Nautical
1. The act or process of careening a ship.
2. The position of a careened ship.
[From French (en) carčne, (on) the keel, from Old French carene, from Old Italian carena, from Latin carna; see kar- in Indo-European roots.]

[b]Therefore, I still question the usage.[/b]

Using twi-lit would clash with twilight right below it.

“where twilight shelters me
where the poltergeist appears”
Hmmm – wears out the wheres, dontcha think?

What I meant was:
here in this twi-lit room
where the poltergeist appears.

Do poltergeists have footsteps?
Is it the poltergeist making the footsteps?
One assumes from the text that it is.

You feel a draft?

Regards,

Jax

[Thoth]

Fresh and very entertaining. Nice to see Merlin waxing lyrical one more. Complex composition, well written
Wally

[Maggie]

Hi Merlin,

I like your poem about the supernatural!! It would make a great poem for Halloween!

I have one grammar nit to pick: You have a run on sentence in S2. It can be easily fixed with a period instead of a comma, or you can change one word.

There’s nowhere left I can run
and nothing more for me to do.
What’s that? I hear footsteps, (The comma after "footsteps" is wrong.)
there’s nobody here!
No-one is near,
no dreaded incubus, *
no evil voodoo spell,
no booze to paralyze my fear.

1) You could say

What's that? I hear footsteps. ( Notice the period after "footsteps.")
There's nobody here! (Notice the capital starting "There's.")

2) or you could say

What's that? I hear footsteps, ( Notice I left your comma in.)
but nobody's here! (Notice I took "there" out and added "but.")

I enjoyed the read!!!

Peggy

[Merlin]

Thank you for listing the definitions for careen, Jax. Give a bit of imagination, one should fit my application.

Thank you, Wally. Hopefully the year long drought is over. There is some indication of that on some of the other sites also, where those who fell into a doldrums spell are coming back.

Thank you, Peggy, and you are so right. I'll amend that sentence so that it and is should strengthen the image of a confused mind with choppier sentences. Yup, comma is wrong and ought to be a semi-colon. I'll make a complete stop there instead.

Your comments are appreciated.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

I enjoyed this one - it does have a lyrical feel to it Merlin.

I really don't have any nits at this reading.

Oh yeah I almost forgot


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.



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BOO!

Enjoyed,
~Cleo

[Peterpan]

Hi Merlin~

I understand it is a lyric but, I found myself wanting to read/hear more...?!

Bev

[Sekhmet]

Hello Merlin. And what a jolly, spooky spine- chiller you have given us!
It is great as it stands, but I need to practice my crit skills on someone – so I have interfered,
(having no, ‘ Malice Aforethought’) with your ‘Poltergeist’. Your skills are greater than my own – so if you dislike my tentative suggestions - bin the lot ‘em.
Best wishes
Leonora

Poltergeist

When evening shadows grope
over the boxwood hedge;
crashes* careen into my ears.

Here, in this blue-lit room,
where twilight shelters me -
the Poltergeist’s ** attack appears.

Nowhere left where I can run.
And nothing more for me to do.
What’s that I hear? - Footsteps?

There’s nothing*** here.
No-one is near.
No dreaded incubus,

No evil voodoo spell.
And, what’s much worse - ****
No booze to paralyze my fear.

* I believe that the poltergeist does not, itself, make noises of any kind. It is an invisible, silent spirit. There are , however, often the sounds of china breaking, and objects being hurled around. So if you are alone in the house, any screeches would be your own. Quite possible of course! :)

** Poltergeists are invisible – it is the effects of their actions that are observed – smashed china for instance.
*** Nobody here & No-one is near are very similar, so possibly, ‘ nothing ’ might work better here?
**** I have taken the liberty of breaking your poem into three-line verses, and needed an extra line here to make it balance,

Part of the description of Poltergeists found in Encarta Poltergeists are always invisible; their actions usually centre on a home or workplace, and are experienced as mildly frightening and malicious recurrent events for which there is no other discernible cause: crockery leaps from shelves, pictures rotate on the wall, windows shatter, objects emerge from locked cupboards or spontaneously catch fire, light bulbs explode, and telephones malfunction, or, more alarmingly, stones or nails. fall from the air.

[mike in brooklyn]

Hello Master Merlin

Many years have passed since we first met - so nice to see you again.

If I remember correctly you were a strictly rhyming meter poet - this is a departure,
but you have certainly managed to lyrically set a mood and tell your tale
with very few, yet effective words - to my mind always the mark of
a well written poem. My only suggestion is to stock up on the booze!

I am not much of a critic - just enjoy the readings and writing.

[Merlin]

Thank you all for the added comments. I had privately thanked Cleo, Bev & Leonora for theirs, so as not to bump an aging thread to the top.

It's back near the top, so thank you Mike, and it is a pleasure to meet once again. At the moment, I've all but disappeared off the net, having seemingly run out of thyme & rhythm. You're right - I was once a strict R & M supporter but have crossed the bridge to the other camp. That transition has been anything but easy since my own principles require me to put out an acceptable product. Having rules and parameters makes it much easier than flying on ones own, I found, because even the phrase "free verse" uses the word "verse" which is very important to me. My own choice is not to call it "free verse", rather "open form" since little is "free" in that department. What I will not do is the common "teenager love rant" that is all too often called free verse poetry.

All that said, I've learned so much along the way that can be applied in both camps, and have come to a greater understanding of what some of the masters did in the past, whether knowingly or not. Our mutual friend Ron (jgd) and I have had some very excellent discussions on topics over time.

============

Considering "Poltergeist" >>
Poltergeist is a ghost (not spirit) that causes disruption, complete with noise.
From German, the noun Polter means a woodpile of sorts, which has nothing to do with Poltergeist. The verb Poltern means to rumble, and the ghost haunts a house creating a noisy ruckus. Consider "Polterabend", a night of festivities prior to a wedding when ceramics are smashed for reasons lost into time, but including the driving off evil spirits.

Many thanks,

Merlin

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Merlin, Just a short note to say welcome back, even if it is to only answer a post. If the muse has been kind to you, I for one would like to read more of your writing. You have been missed, and thought of often.
Steve

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin and All,
As Merlin mentioned my name, I think it fair to expand on his comment that he and I have shared many thoughts in this poetic world.
Merlin is highly driven toward constant learning, constant improvement, growth.
I started off perfectly satisfied to write only ditties, light verse.
Merlin has been somewhat of a mentor to me and I sense to many on the internet who were serious about poetry.
Thus I'm happy to see him attend to the past when the present is lacking and hope others' comments may motivate his muse to return.
He is an asset at each site he posts.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier