 The Change, Haibun |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Dec 30 08, 08:05
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 331 Joined: 7-March 07 From: Oz Member No.: 408 Writer of: Poetry Referred By:IBPC participant list  |
Drab-olive water dimples. It is the slack on low water. Boats fret and jerk at their moorings. Gulls squabble. The trees pulse a cicada tinnitus that dulls the burble of the oyster punts. The sun becomes heavy and I move my arm off the balcony rail and onto the table. You smile and I smile. The Veuve Clicquot tastes like velvet toast.
slack water a cicada shell spirals slowly Dessert. You have chosen zabaglione. I fuss with the menu, and choose what I always choose. You laugh, softly. Annoyed, I look out past the glints sliding across the flats. There, asleep in the mud, tenders, clinker-built and unemployed, dream. A fresh tang of salt cuts through decay and the mad run of the flood tide has begun. “Look!” I point. “Glad tidings ready to slap those tenders awake.” You reach, glide your hand across my cheek and whisper: “I’m more than me!” flood tide the mangroves walk into deeper water ·······  ······· |
  
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Dec 31 08, 04:20
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#2
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hi - I have always enjoyed your writings.
This leaves me with a warm feeling inside. A contentment, shared. Thank you. Happy New Year! Bev PS We are coming over to Perth in April and to dive at The Great Barrier Reef for two weeks. ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Jan 2 09, 20:33
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#3
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Jaxmyth, I enjoyed your word picture very, very much. Warm and inviting, realistic, a calm soothing blam of oil laid on a rough sea.
Steve |
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Jan 18 09, 15:01
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
A very lovely image - the Haibun is a perfect complement to the first narrative, Jan. I can feel the movement through your imagery.
On the second, did you wish to have a third line of this: into deeper water Glad to read your work again! ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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| Guest_rdmii_* |
Jan 20 09, 06:32
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#5
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Lovely. All I could really say is that it feels a little top heavy. The whole piece is excellent, but the opening is so richly textured that when you return to the paragraph form the second time it feels more prosaic (meaning resembling not benign) than it actually is. I do love the ambiguity and implication of the last stanza though.
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Jan 21 09, 04:49
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#6
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Hello, Jan.
I enjoyed your poem. You and your friend could have been dinning anywhere, but not Sydney harbour. I'll take a punt (excuse the pun) around Gosford or the Hawkesbury River.   I also like the way you set out your poem. Makes a very easy read, mate.  Regards, John 
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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