 My Season, Life? |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
  Mar 15 07, 10:02
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox  |
My Season
The time has come to discard leaves; shrink from dull, dreary colours; to be liberated from tiresome toil, freed from incessant anxiety. Sleep, oh sleep without pain; rest and heal my weary bough; soothe my roots and nourish my veins. The time has come to shed the yoke, prepare for Spring, when growth is immature; life is sun drenched with bird song and flowers peek from the ancient earth. Copyright © March 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn ·······  ······· |
  
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Mar 15 07, 19:37
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Bev
I am very fond of poems about the seasons and I enjoyed this walk throught them with the links to our own lives. A few thoughts ~ QUOTE (Peterpan @ Mar 15 07, 15:02 ) [snapback]92853[/snapback] My Season The time has come to discard leaves; shrink from dull, dreary colours; to be liberated from tiresome toil, freed from incessant anxiety. L1 -- It's time to discard old leaves Sleep, oh sleep without pain; rest and heal my weary bough; soothe my roots and nourish my veins. L1 -- Oh to sleep without pain The time has come to shed the yoke, prepare for Spring, when growth is immature; life is sun drenched with bird song and flowers peek from the ancient earth. L1 -- It's time to shed the yoke L4 -- you could miss out 'the' Copyright © March 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Mar 19 07, 21:11
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
Hello PP, or BGA,
I have a few fv efforts in my folio, but am primarily from the r & m crowd. However, I'm branching into this region and have spent considerable time reviewing things to become better informed. I shall be posting shortly, and hope what I say will make sense. I believe your opening line is extremely whimpy. Even with Snow's improvement, it still can be made more effective to set the scene and/or tone. You could say, Now is the time to toss out leaves or several more assertive things, instead of sighing The time has come... L2 - dull & dreary are really much the same; perhaps a better choice for 1, lifeless, perhaps. In V1, you're discarding leaves. In V3 that changes to shedding a yoke. This yokel gets lost easily... where did the ox come from? "Spring", in V3 doesn't get capitalized if it's a season (a common mistake). The final line could have the flowers peaking "through" ancient earth, eliminating another "the". So, there tis. Hope something is of value. Merlin ······· ······· |
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Mar 20 07, 08:12
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#4
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hi Merlin~
Yes, I understand your suggestions, and they make sense!! I will take a look and post an edit. Thanks you for looking in at FV!! With appreciation. BGA ······· ······· |
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Apr 1 07, 15:30
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#5
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Bev.
I enjoyed your poem and the message that spring has sprung - we must rid the gloom of left-over winter and prepare for the blossoming ahead of us. I've made some alternates below just to show a different placement of each line for you to ponder. As always, take or toss. Cheers ~Cleo  QUOTE The time has come to discard leaves; shrink from dull, dreary colours; to be liberated from tiresome toil, freed from incessant anxiety. I shrink from lifeless, dreary colours. Oh, to be liberated from tiresome toil; freed from incessant anxiety! It’s time to discard sullen leaves. QUOTE Sleep, oh sleep without pain; rest and heal my weary bough; soothe my roots and nourish my veins. Oh sleep! To sleep without pain! I want to rest and heal my weary bough; soothe my roots and nourish my veins. QUOTE The time has come to shed the yoke, prepare for Spring, when growth is immature; life is sun drenched with bird song and flowers peek from the ancient earth. Prepare for spring! Its growth immature; life is sun-drenched with bird song and blossoms peek from ancient earth. It’s time to shed the yoke. ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner   |
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Apr 1 07, 15:42
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#6
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hi Lori~
Thanks! Thanks for reading. I have been thinking about this poem and not happy with it. I will take a look at your suggestions and revise. Others have had some input too and I need to address them. Sincere appreciation for reading. PP ······· ······· |
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Apr 1 07, 15:58
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#7
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Bev.
 You are most welcome!  I look forward to further comments and revisions should you make any. Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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May 13 07, 21:29
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#8
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Bev!
This is a delightful poem, relating the change of season with personal problems that weigh on one like harsh winter weather, now coming to an end, offering freedom...Lovely idea! QUOTE QUOTE (Peterpan @ Mar 15 07, 17:02 ) [snapback]92853[/snapback] My Season The time has come to discard leaves; shrink from dull, dreary colours; to be liberated from tiresome toil, freed from incessant anxiety. Time transpires to discard leaves, shrink from dismal, somber colours; to free from incessant anxiety and liberate from tiresome toil. Sleep, oh sleep without pain; rest and heal my weary bough; soothe my roots and nourish my veins. Sleep! Oh, sleep without pain... Rest and heal my weary boughs, soothe my roots, nourish veins. The time has come to shed the yoke, prepare for Spring, when growth is immature; life is sun drenched with bird song and flowers peek from the ancient earth. Time irrupts to shed the yoke: prepare for Spring! its artless growth... Life is sun-drenched, bird song and flowers peek from ancient Earth... Just ideas, Bev, to use or lose...it's a lovely poem, whatever you decide to revise. Thanks for cheering me up! Syl *** Copyright © March 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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May 14 07, 02:37
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#9
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hi Syl
Thanks for the comments! I will take a look and edit. Thank for taking a look! How are things your side of the world? Bev ······· ······· |
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May 15 07, 09:53
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#10
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Eisa @ Mar 15 07, 20:37 ) [snapback]92866[/snapback] Hi Bev I am very fond of poems about the seasons and I enjoyed this walk throught them with the links to our own lives. A few thoughts ~ QUOTE (Peterpan @ Mar 15 07, 15:02 ) [snapback]92853[/snapback] My Season The time has come to discard leaves; shrink from dull, dreary colours; to be liberated from tiresome toil, freed from incessant anxiety. L1 -- It's time to discard old leaves Sleep, oh sleep without pain; rest and heal my weary bough; soothe my roots and nourish my veins. L1 -- Oh to sleep without pain The time has come to shed the yoke, prepare for Spring, when growth is immature; life is sun drenched with bird song and flowers peek from the ancient earth. L1 -- It's time to shed the yoke L4 -- you could miss out 'the' Copyright © March 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Snow Hi PeterPan, In addition to all the other comments, which I totally agree with, I have one suggestion, and as the saying goes, "use or lose" "prepare for Spring, when growth is immature; life is sun drenched with bird song and flowers peek from the ancient earth." I would leave out "when growth is immature" thus giving you prepare for Spring, when life is sun drenched with bird song, and flowers peek from ancient earth." As I said, use or lose...My Best, Judi ······· ······· |
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May 15 07, 17:24
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#11
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hi Judi~
Thank you for reading! Sharing... Take care and I will look at your edits. PP ······· ······· |
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