Mirage Options

[Siren]

TY Larry
Mirage


I sought your hand through tribal law,
held fast by anticipation
the two years you were away.
Degree in one hand
you accepted me with the other.

Touched, our journey began.

Passion swelled along with your belly.
I lingered,
believing desire would linger.
Your dark waves never ceased to amaze me,
but the greenness in your gaze
eroded all we had.

Your doubts killed me.

Now I walk the short halls
of my single home.
I neither listen for the wails
of our newborn son,
nor glimpse for the creamy swell
of your feeding breasts.

My tribe has shrunk to one.









I sought out your hand through tribal law,
held fast the two years you were away.
Degree in one hand
you accepted me with the other.

Touched, our journey began.

Passion swelled along with your belly.
I lingered believing desire could glue us tight.
Your dark waves never ceased to amaze me,
but the greenness in your gaze
wasted away all we had.

Your doubt killed me.

Now I walk the short halls
of my single home.
I do not listen for the wails
of our newborn son,
nor look out for the creamy swell
of your feeding bosom.

My tribe has shrunk back to one.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Dani, Aw Wow... how brilliantly poignant. This really reached in and twisted not just the heart strings but the gut. While I am not sure of the full meaning of your metaphor through the words you used, I am gripped by its emotional wallop. Unless... now I reread it...ah I think I got it now...I think you might need one more stanza to show what the greenness was for or what she thought was the cause...other than that I really thought this was a great piece, very viscral and painful but done very well... I surely hope this is not something personal Dani...

Take care Steve

[Guest_Oludpoet_*]

Dear Dani,

Like Steve I do hope this is not personal. I enjoyed the captivating rhythm of this piece and saw the picture of a failed marriage that ended in heartbreak and loneliness.

I like the genesis-to-revelation flow of the stanzas:

Stanza 1 takes the reader to the beginning of the relationship through proper avenue
Stanza 2 shows the beginning of the eventual end, here the wheat of love was growing while expectation of a baby add to the growth of the union but the thorn of lack of trust was also growing along side creating a difficult environment for love to breath.
Stanza 3: Sadly joy has left leaving heartbreak in its stead.

I hope my interpretation is partly or partially correct

It's such a beautiful sad poem, friend.

[Siren]

Hey Steve,

I'm glad to see you here. This was inspired by a story I heard. The "greenness" implies jealousy, which I then emphasized in the line after that S with "doubt".

"tribal law" is the traditional way of marriage in the middle east, where the women in the groom's family go to assess a possible bride they were told about from a friend or an acquaintance for their son. If they like the girl the son will then visit the girl to see her for the first time, but amongst her family.

I hope this clears the image for you...

see you soon
dani

[Siren]

Hey Sesan,

It's nice to see you in my thread. Yes your interp is spot on and I think mostly because our traditions are similar in many ways.

I hear that Lagos has grown as a city,though the remaining members of my family have moved to Abuja, I still feel a kinship to where I would always think of as my home.

Is the Ikoyo club still around? I miss eating plantain from the mama under the ikoyi bridge. :)

see you around soon...

Dani

[Eisa]

Hi Dani

I read this one last night but didn't have time to reply ... its Easter now, so prbably won't be back for a couple of days, but I just wanted you to know that I've been here ... and enjoyed this well written, pognant piece.

Hugs
Snow

[4rum]

Ok, I cheated. I read last night as well but was hesitant to reply. If written from the male perspective this works beautifully, but I recognized you on the site as female. I checked your profile ... yep, female ... so I waited till some who know you better weighed in. Glad I did as it confirms that a male is telling the story.

Betrothal is known universally, so this point was not obscure. Neither was the greeness as it too is a widely accepted trait of jealosy or envy. I particularly like this piece because it has the characteristics of suggestion rather than full disclosure. Though not nearly as proficient as you, this is one of my habits as well.

All good, but the last verse is deeply emotional. The feeling of loss, despair, loneliness ... is conveyed to the reader ever so clearly.

'rum

[Siren]

Hey Eira,

I'm so happy to see you here. I am also glad you enjoyed this poem and am looking forward to your return.

Happy Easter my dear sweet friend.

Hugs and love
Dani

[Siren]

Sam,

You cracked me up and tickled me senseless. I assure you am as female as they come! :wink:

I think we can always place ourselves in other people's shoes and write about it. In my case i have to feel that person deeply and I did here.

I'm still scouting for a title, if anyone has an idea I'd love to "hear" it.

Am glad this comes through so clearly and my proficiency always needs tweaking and is thankful to everyone of you who interacts with me and teaches me something new everyday. I'm so grateful.

Thanks for dropping in. for commenting and for being you.

Dani

[4rum]

I think we can always place ourselves in other people's shoes and write about it.

Oh I agree. For the experience I once wrote a poem as a lesbian (two actually). It was an exercise in understanding and was generally accepted pretty well (for which I am sincerely grateful).

Title ?

Pale Promise

tootles
Sam

[Eisa]

Hi Dani - I'm back!

I so enjoyed this one - a difficult topic written so sensitively. I have read your explanations and think I did interpret this correctly. On 1st read I found nothing I'd change, but now I'll go through a line at a time and see if something comes to mind.

I sought out your hand through tribal law,
held fast the two years you were away.
Degree in one hand
you accepted me with the other.

I thought the 'tribal law' meant an arranged marriage.
'Degree in hand' I took to mean that she had been away 2 years doing a university/college degree.

Touched, our journey began.

Passion swelled along with your belly.
I lingered believing desire could glue us tight.
Your dark waves never ceased to amaze me,
but the greenness in your gaze
wasted away all we had.

'greenness' I thought was jealousy - I found 'your dark waves' intriguing, possibly meaning the dark waves of her hair and perhaps a double meaning - dark waves of emotions/moods

'wasted away all we had.' - I feel you could say a little more here about 'all we had'

Your doubt killed me.

Perhaps here show what part of 'me' your doubt killed -
your doubt killed my love/emotions/life????

Now I walk the short halls
of my single home.
I do not listen for the wails
of our newborn son,
nor look out for the creamy swell
of your feeding bosom.

I like the vision of the short halls of a smaller home and also the fact that we know now that you have a son

My tribe has shrunk back to one.

This end line is tremendous! so poignant.

Well written Dani. I always look froward to reading your work.

Hugs
Snow

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Dani - A beautiful, and emotionally sensitive poem; exactly as the others have already said.

I keep thinking about this couple - The young man is the one I suspect of having , 'greenness' in his gaze. He was the one who stayed home, while his betrothed went off to University - surely he was jealous of her new-found confidence and sophistication?
Or is the young woman's gaze, 'green' because she doubts the fidelity of her new husband?
Or, maybe she regrets the loss of the freedom she had whilst at university?
You see? - Your young lovers have come alive for me - and I worry about them.
It is the revelation of only part of their story that intrigues.
Love, Leo xx

[Siren]

Hey Sam,

Thanks for dropping back in and I'm glad that we share our points of view.

"Pale Promise" is a good option... but it's still not calling me... I don't know. Am stuck with the title.

Thanks for you input.

Dani

[Siren]

Hey Eira,

I appreciate you taking time off from your vacation to give me your thoughts on this.

Your interp is head on. Am glad that the message is clear enough.

I like your points on clearing up the "all we had" section and "your doubt killed me" I'll think on them and see what i come up with.

I would love it if you could help me out with a title. My mind is just going blank there.

Thanks so much for the appreciative words.

Take care honey and happy holidays

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Leo,

I always enjoy your visits to my threads.

Well the young man waited for his fiancee to get her degree abroad. The greenness does emphasize her jealousy and doubt of his fidelity.

The couple got seperated despite their child's presence in their lives.

I'm so glad you are intrigued by this, and greatly honored.

Hugs
Dani

[Guest_dflore_*]

very sad....very powerful.....that last line is killer....my only critique is some of it felt a little melodramatic

[Eisa]

Hey Eira,

I appreciate you taking time off from your vacation to give me your thoughts on this.

Your interp is head on. Am glad that the message is clear enough.

I like your points on clearing up the "all we had" section and "your doubt killed me" I'll think on them and see what i come up with.

I would love it if you could help me out with a title. My mind is just going blank there.

Thanks so much for the appreciative words.

Take care honey and happy holidays

Hugs
Dani

It's my pleasure to help in any way I can. As for a title -- (I'm hopeless with titles! LOL!)

Shrinking Tribe
Dark Waves
Journey's End
Unstuck (taken from the line where desire could glue us tight)

A few for you to ponder, Dani - I'll come back if I tink of anything else.

Hugs
Snow

[Larry]

Hi Dani,

I'm always intrigued by "untitled" offerings and also somewhat confused about the premise of the story line. Perhaps it's my western misconception of "arranged marriage" which causes the consternation. I have a few "TOT" suggestions and an idea for the title: "Mirage" I got that from all the things which happened in "untitled" that seemed to be illusions and false perceptions of the way your characters viewed their world or wished it to be.

Nits are as follows:

S1L1: Take "out" out!
I sought your hand through tribal law,

S1L2: held fast by what; a vow, a promise, or perhaps anticipation? Maybe clarify what held him fast. Suggest - held fast by anticipation and carry the rest of L2 down to make a new L3.

S2L2: Not enamored with "could glue us tight".
Perhaps: I lingered(,) believing desire would be victorious. or
I lingered, believing desire could prevail.

S2L5: eroded all we had.

Second "added" line: Your doubt [s] killed me. I'm sure there was more than one issue involved.

S3L3: I neither listen for the wails - take out "do not" and replace with "neither" to be grammatically correct.

S3L5: "look out for" gives me a sense of caution and not the seductive libido enhancing accidental display. Could you use: nor glimpse the creamy swell

S3L6: There is nothing wrong with using "breasts". Bosom's belong to old maids!
of your feeding breasts.

Final Line: "back" seems redundant.
My tribe has shrunk to one.

Dani, as always my suggestions are just that; food for thought! Take or toss them all if you want.

Larry