Inconstant Dream, A Cosmic Fairy Tale Options

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi

I am just returning to MM from a lengthy absence (from the forum and poetry writing) and whilst brushing off the cobwebs before trying something new I thought that I would re-post this poem, which has had a bit added (top and bottom) and been touched up here and there. Hopefully it's a bit more of a complete tale now. Any comment would be welcome.

Inconstant Dream

For those who have wondered why the moon goes through phases;
why a comet trail-blazes; why the stars have formed shapes in the skies;
or if night is the time intended for dreaming, why lovers hold dreams in their eyes...

Once Moon and Stars adorned the Night,
then sparkled through the Day;
in pale blue skies songbirds would sing
their pleasure, to be on the wing
beneath the Milky Way.
From Moon's pure joy and Stars' delight
fair Dream was formed of grace and light,
to dance in Night's ballet.

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
then chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet that playful Morn.
Remaining there in hidden guise,
she gazed out through young lovers' eyes,
as each new Day was born.

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for aid, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day.
Says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your lustre power lies
to beckon Dream your way."

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their galaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream, awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene as Night then seems,
betimes Dream visits Day;
hence Moon puffs out his brightest face,
while Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
And at those times how Sunrise gleams,
as young hearts beat to lovers' themes,
for Dream still drifts their way.

... Now the Eastern Sky blushes at Dawn's teasing kiss,
but the Moon and the Stars turn away;
as skylarks and thrushes in songs reminisce
of the times when the Heavens abided in bliss,
before Dream fell in love with the Day.

By MaXiM

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Martin.

Well, I definitely like the additions you've made to this one as it now has a bit more of that romantic feel you were looking for.

I'm in a bit of a 'work craze' this week and will be back on the weekend but I wanted to comment one one stanza now:

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their galaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream, awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

I couldn't help but smile when I read L2's buffs his nimbus, LOL! I still wonder if 'patternings' is the word of choice, I know I mentioned it before and I understand the meaning behind it - but I'm still a but hazy on if there might not be a better word choice (ornaments, paragons, paradigms). I see the alliteration to 'please' so I'll assume that you are describing a specific galaxy's star patterns, i.e. the Big Dipper.

I love the inner rhymes throughout too!

I'll be back again soon!
~Cleo

[JLY]

Martin,

I like the changes you have made. I like your idea of a prelude / prologue and epilogue, however I would like to see them follow the same form....perhaps, altering the prelude a bit...

For those who have wondered why the moon goes through phases;
why a comet trail-blazes;
why the stars have formed shapes in the skies;
or if night is the time intended for dreaming,
why lovers hold dreams in their eyes...

One place I stumbled was on the word patternings, it didn't roll easily off my tongue
"and patternings designed to please"


I liked many of your rhymes...they seemed to fit in a natural way...

The following stanza really stands out in my mind; the imagery, rhyme and easy flow make this a smooth read (except for "patternings").....

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their galaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream, awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

I enjoyed reading this and I will read it again through and through as it requires a few readings to absorb the interesting images you have created.

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Martin,

This has to be one of my favorites! Of course, fantasy is right up my alley so that makes it even more enjoyable~

A few comments which of course you are free to use or lose...

Cathy

Inconstant Dream

For those who have wondered why the moon goes through phases;
why a comet trail-blazes; why the stars have formed shapes in the skies;
or if night is the time intended for dreaming, why lovers hold dreams in their eyes...

I was wondering if you need all those why's above... would this work as well?

For those who have wondered why the moon goes through phases,
a comet trail-blazes, the stars have formed shapes in the skies;
or if night is the time intended for dreaming, why lovers hold dreams in their eyes...

Once Moon and Stars adorned the Night,
then sparkled through the Day;
in pale blue skies songbirds would sing
their pleasure, to be on the wing
beneath the Milky Way.
From Moon's pure joy and Stars' delight
fair Dream was formed of grace and light,
to dance in Night's ballet.

Since this is wonderful fantasy I was thinking maybe...

'to dance Twilight's Ballet'

as though it were an actual production? *smiles*

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
then chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet that playful Morn.
Remaining there in hidden guise,
she gazed out through young lovers' eyes,
as each new Day was born.

Lovely imagery!

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for aid, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day.
Says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your lustre power lies
to beckon Dream your way."

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their galaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream, awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

'Patternings' causes a slight rift IMO. Maybe...

The Stars dance through their galaxies
whilst patterns they've designed to please
are drawn across the Night...

Albeit serene as Night then seems,
betimes Dream visits Day;
hence Moon puffs out his brightest face,
while Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
And at those times how Sunrise gleams,
as young hearts beat to lovers' themes,
for Dream still drifts their way.

... Now the Eastern Sky blushes at Dawn's teasing kiss,
but the Moon and the Stars turn away;
as skylarks and thrushes in songs reminisce
of the times when the Heavens abided in bliss,
before Dream fell in love with the Day.

Lovely ending! I love the way you describe the Sunrise~

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Martin.

I'm back now - what a fun read! I love the whimsy mixed with fantasy and your personification sprinkled throughout. I've mde some notes for you to take or toss as you wish.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo


I too suggest reformatting the intro as something similar to the poem’s structure, keeping the italics - perhaps:

For those who have wondered
why the moon goes through phases;
why a comet trail-blazes;
why the stars have formed shapes in the skies;
or if night is the time intended for dreaming,
why lovers hold dreams in their eyes...


[add] {delete}

Once Moon and Stars adorned the Night,
then sparkled through the Day;
in pale blue skies songbirds would sing
their pleasure[s], to be on the wing
beneath the Milky Way.
From Moon's pure joy and Stars' delight
fair Dream was formed of grace and light{,}
to dance in Night's ballet.

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
then chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet that playful Morn.
Remaining there in hidden guise,
she gazed out through young lovers' eyes,
as each new Day was born.
Lovely stanza filled with such whimsy!

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for aid, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day.
Says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise{,}
for in your lustre power lies
to {beckon} [summon] Dream your way." (For alliteration)

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars {dance} [prance] through their galaxies (For alliteration)
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream, awaiting Day's first blaze{,}
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

{Albeit} [Although] serene as Night then seems, (had an extra beat)
betimes Dream visits Day;
hence Moon puffs out his brightest face,
while Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
And at those times how Sunrise gleams{,}
as young hearts beat to lovers' themes,
for Dream still drifts their way.

... {Now the} Eastern Sky blushes at Dawn's teasing kiss,
but the Moon and the Stars turn away;
as skylarks and thrushes in songs reminisce
of the times when the Heavens abided in bliss,
before Dream fell in love with the Day.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

What a lovely thing! Delicious. Well done, MaXim.

I really enjoyed your Rhyme-scheme, and fell in with it easily by stanza 2. Cool.
And the opening/closing verses, like parentheses, enclosing the whole thing. You made me smile.