I would like to nominate Nada Lott for her in-depth and oh so helpful critiques...
First example:
Hope Takes Wing by Cathy ~ critted May 9
This has come a long way, Cathy -- nice job of revising so far. A good catharsis poem, but I'd like to see you infuse it with something unique to set it apart from the gazillions of other catharsis poems out there. Make sense? I don't know what that might be -- surprise me! -- but I believe the potential is here. Think about using metaphor and imagery in unexpected ways.
F'rinstance ...
QUOTE There's longing in my deepest heart, my mind will not be still. I'd suggest a semicolon in place of the comma. More importantly, I think you could have a stronger (i.e., fresher) hook line. "Longing in my deepest heart" sounds like an old-tyme gospel hymn.
QUOTE enriching seed to recreate a love for simple things, the chance to start my life anew like winter birthing spring. Now this is what I mean. This verse makes good use of poetic devices. Nicely done!
QUOTE I'll never touch the ground again, I've taught my soul to fly. Again, a colon or semicolon would be better. Do we really teach our souls to fly or vice versa?
I'm watching you with interest.
Mary
Second example:
Faded Layers by Snow ~ critted May 22
Bravo, Snow -- well said. So many keeper couplets, like ...
I frown at my reflection wistfully and recognize my bloom’s become debris.
I rummage through the rustiness of life and trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
As seasons change, I face them -- unafraid of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
... ease my faded layers back to look behind, a stronger fabric shows -- a mellow mind.
I can't help wanting to see it trimmed down, though, to better accentuate the wonderful pattern you've woven in. The cloth metaphor is pushed to the back of the closet, at times, by competing images such as stormy waters / tempestuous tears / winding tracks / battle scars / wounds of war / stretch my wings and soar. While these lines are strong and definitely worth saving for other poems, let's just see what happens when fashion takes center stage here:
QUOTE I frown at my reflection wistfully and recognize my bloom’s become debris.
Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe to shroud my inner self. I can’t escape from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.
Her fingers frayed my visage [face]. I accept [can't reject] the ravages she wreaked [wrought*], for they reflect As the seasons' change. I face them -- unafraid of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
So mirror image, though you may displease** when dusty covers are removed; just ease my faded layers back to look behind, a stronger fabric shows -- a mellow mind.
If you like the effect and wanted to extend the metaphor, you might be able to use remnants, cutting board, runway, etc., and I'm sure you'd find endless possibilities in this Glossary of Terminology for the Fabric Industry I just googled up. (I don't think it needs to be any longer, though. Short is in. :)
*Although wreaked is acceptable usage, wrought sounds more poetic. ** Incorrect usage -- displease is an intransitive verb.
Hope this helps. I repeat, I really like the poem as it is, but I think it could pack a lot more pizazz if you took the scissors to it.
Mary
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