Celestial Tears [Revision 1, 26 Aug], From a Pandora Challenge Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Celestial Tears



In the haven

of majesty, symbols

settle in unison…


Zeus sheds tears

releasing thunderbolts

toward dishonesty’s surge.

His scepter

of lightning and rage

splits the subservient sky.


Clouds give way as Cronus

is cast to defeat.

Tartarus and its shadows

welcome his Titans.


Pegasus glides among celestial

virtues, rearing the burden

of immortal thoughts.


He bows to Eos - ascending dawn;

her tears of mourning dew

encircle the earth.


Rising from sea and sky,

two protect one

in silent sacrifice.


In the shelter

of devotion,

the heralds jump.


Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

_{Revision 1 changes:
originally 'toward dishonesty.'
orignally 'splits the sky.'
originally 'welcome him and his Titans.'}

[AMETHYST]

Oh Lori,

I just read this twice and am taken aback by the depth and beauty of the poem, as well as the acommpaning graphic. As I neared the ending of the poem, I thought that Larry would have loved this poem as well - If he were still with us he would post, 'Ah, so Lori you are writing about me - and the Ultimate Powers I have! LOL

I've just printed this out to do some thinking on the side, but had to let you know that this really got my attention. Wonderful theme and take on the subject.

Hugs, Liz ...

So that is what a vacation is for ... stirring the muse,eh? :)

[Peterpan]

Lori, you are gifted by the Gods! This is an amazing piece of poetry. After a few readings I cant find any nits. I am pleased to see you posting are you freer these days?

I love the visual too. I think visuals enhance poetry.

THANK you for sharing it. It is truely exceptional!

Peterpan

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts - I look forward to your return! I just changed the photo, putting Zeus up top and Pegasus at the bottom and also center aligned and used Papyrus font. Hope these changes are favorable to start.

Larry would be boasting for sure, making us all giggle at him and most likely would have written a retort in fun. I miss him.

Hopefully, the muse will return from vacation as I wrote the basics of this one in June and revised it for posting in Seren's this morning.

CUL8R
~Cleo

Oh Lori,

I just read this twice and am taken aback by the depth and beauty of the poem, as well as the acommpaning graphic. As I neared the ending of the poem, I thought that Larry would have loved this poem as well - If he were still with us he would post, 'Ah, so Lori you are writing about me - and the Ultimate Powers I have! LOL

I've just printed this out to do some thinking on the side, but had to let you know that this really got my attention. Wonderful theme and take on the subject.

Hugs, Liz ...

So that is what a vacation is for ... stirring the muse,eh? :)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Bev,

Oh my - thank you very much, how sweet of you!

Freer yes, and even moreso on Fridays now that I've moved to 4-day work weeks until end of October. Yay! I hope my muse will wake up from her extended haitus soon.

Thanks again for such lovely compliments Bev!

Cheers
~Cleo

Lori, you are gifted by the Gods! This is an amazing piece of poetry. After a few readings I cant find any nits. I am pleased to see you posting are you freer these days?

I love the visual too. I think visuals enhance poetry.

THANK you for sharing it. It is truely exceptional!

Peterpan

[AMETHYST]

Hey Lori,

Where did these words and images come from ... how powerful and divine... The very first few lines are wonderful to hear the sounds are smooth and unintrusive. The title works double time in that it fits the poem like a glove -

I enjoyed this so much Lori... some comments to follow...

Big Hugs, and Thumbs UP>>>> Liz

Celestial Tears

Excellent title- a true hook to catch the attention of the reader...

In the haven

of majesty, symbols

settle in unison…

I love the fresh and inviting depiction of the heavens... and the representation of the stars and their connection to the God's and Godess's ... The word symbols works heavy here... strong ... it brings the reader into the star reference... Not a nit for these opening words, the image is powerful set up for the following ...

Zeus sheds tears

releasing thunderbolts

toward dishonesty.

His scepter

of lightning and rage

splits the sky.

I loved how the tears of Zeus, reflect the connection to rain and thunder ... The active images add a dramatic tone to the passage here... emphasizing the anger and grief of Zeus... L3 is the only line that felt weak... I think it was because 'toward' ... sort of gives me the impression that he is aiming for 'those' persons who are dishonest. If not, perhaps ... toward dishonesty's surge ... (to include the negative energy that dishonesty can release into the universe...)
Love the image of lightning and rage splitting the sky. Very strong ...

Clouds give way as Cronus

is cast to defeat.

Tartarus and its shadows

welcome him and his Titans.

At first I was a clueless, but looking up Cronus/Tartarus helps to define the attempt to defeat and Excellent passage... I have a few links I discovered and will be reading a little further on this before actually giving suggestions of change. Right now, I have no real nits... I think this is POWERFUL! I especially liked the image of clouds giving way to Cronus...

Pegasus glides among celestial

virtues, rearing the burden

of immortal thoughts.

Excellent choice word "glides' to emphasize Pegasus' flight. This is perfect and I wouldn't change a word...

He bows to Eos - ascending dawn;

her tears of mourning dew

encircle the earth.

L2, perhaps ... 'her tears the mounring dew\

Rising from sea and sky,

two protect one

in silent sacrifice.

Excellent. Two becoming one, uniting the sea/sky - no nits here. Not a word out of place.

In the shelter

of devotion,

the heralds jump.

Perhaps ... "Within the shelter/of devotion/ the hearalds jump."

Excellent ending, Lori ... I am impressed with this one!

[Psyche]

Dear Lori,
Wow and gee....I'm so very impressed. How lucky we are that you're on a 4-day week!
Of course I have no nits at all, unless I'm dazzled stupid by your startling imagery & vocabulary.


Celestial Tears



In the haven

of majesty, symbols

settle in unison…

Beautiful opening stanza.


Zeus sheds tears

releasing thunderbolts

toward dishonesty.

Ahem...he was a little dishonest himself, at times!!!


His scepter

of lightning and rage

splits the sky.

Striking!


Clouds give way as Cronus

is cast to defeat. Zeus did some pretty ghastly things to Cronus!

Tartarus and its shadows

welcome him and his Titans. Some Greek myth specialists say that Prometheus was a Titan and the true father of mankind... different versions to confuse us!


Pegasus glides among celestial

virtues, rearing the burden

of immortal thoughts. Beautiful, Lori!


He bows to Eos - ascending dawn;

her tears of mourning dew

encircle the earth.


Rising from sea and sky,

two protect one

in silent sacrifice. I was expecting Aphrodite to appear around here, but never mind me!


In the shelter

of devotion,

the heralds jump.

What a response to a challenge! Awesome, indeed.
Thanks for posting it here, and yes, Larry would be tickled pink. I miss him too.
Hugs, Syl ***

[heartsong7]

Hi Lori...
This is a beautiful presentation. Your verse captures the power of the picture. I've come with praise and can offer little in the crit department as I am a real novice when it comes to free verse, but I do know what I like and I like this. I'll be reading the comments offered by others in hopes of learning more about how to write good fv.
Thanks for sharing this.
Sue

[Merlin]

Hi Lori,

I looked at the photos numerous times, but was unable to get motivated, oddly. Perhaps my lack of knowledge in the mythological department is partly to blame, and of course, being in drydock hasn't helped much either.

I applaud your posting. There are spots where I'd like to see more embellishment, as per

His scepter
of lightning and rage
splits the sky.
where I'm curious about the sky. Is it cowering, as suggested in the next verse, or any number of images.

Is Tartarus an it?

Pegasus glides among celestial
virtues, rearing the burden
of immortal thoughts.
What are those virtues? Whose burden is it? What immortal thoughts could those be?

Very enjoyable read, and excellent photos. Y'all should go over to yonder and take a look.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Lori,

Where did these words and images come from ... how powerful and divine... The very first few lines are wonderful to hear the sounds are smooth and unintrusive. The title works double time in that it fits the poem like a glove -

I enjoyed this so much Lori... some comments to follow...

Big Hugs, and Thumbs UP>>>> Liz

Hi there Liz.

This was from the June Pandora challenge. I took several photos when we went to Caesar's Palace Forum Shops in Las Vegas and decided to make a challenge with them. I cannot entirely take credit for the opening and closing stanzas - they were from another site (webcom.com) that has the Instant Muse Poetry Generator. I've got the link on our forum and fun section of the homepage and I've used this tool on several occasions here for challenges. Thanks for the nod on the title. I was torn between it and 'Celestial Virtues'. PLease see my comments below in purple.

Cheers Liz.
~Cleo

Celestial Tears

Excellent title- a true hook to catch the attention of the reader...

Thanks very much!

In the haven
of majesty, symbols
settle in unison…

I love the fresh and inviting depiction of the heavens... and the representation of the stars and their connection to the God's and Godess's ... The word symbols works heavy here... strong ... it brings the reader into the star reference... Not a nit for these opening words, the image is powerful set up for the following ...

Thanks Liz, glad you enjoy the opening, there was something about it that I liked that reminded me of the solar system, the stars, planets and then the immortals.

Zeus sheds tears
releasing thunderbolts
toward dishonesty.
His scepter
of lightning and rage
splits the sky.

I loved how the tears of Zeus, reflect the connection to rain and thunder ... The active images add a dramatic tone to the passage here... emphasizing the anger and grief of Zeus... L3 is the only line that felt weak... I think it was because 'toward' ... sort of gives me the impression that he is aiming for 'those' persons who are dishonest. If not, perhaps ... toward dishonesty's surge ... (to include the negative energy that dishonesty can release into the universe...)
Love the image of lightning and rage splitting the sky. Very strong ...

Thanks, that was my intention with his tears. I like your suggestion for adding 'surge or surges there andwill ponder it for the revision. I wanted that stanza to show his rage using the items from the photo. Cool!

Clouds give way as Cronus
is cast to defeat.
Tartarus and its shadows
welcome him and his Titans.

At first I was a clueless, but looking up Cronus/Tartarus helps to define the attempt to defeat and Excellent passage... I have a few links I discovered and will be reading a little further on this before actually giving suggestions of change. Right now, I have no real nits... I think this is POWERFUL! I especially liked the image of clouds giving way to Cronus...

Thanks so much, yes, I too did some googling while writing this part, although Cronos did NOT end up there as did his Titans, I may tweak that line to just 'welcome his Titans'.

Pegasus glides among celestial
virtues, rearing the burden
of immortal thoughts.

Excellent choice word "glides' to emphasize Pegasus' flight. This is perfect and I wouldn't change a word...

Pegasus has a big burden, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, so to speak. This is my favorite stanza.

He bows to Eos - ascending dawn;
her tears of mourning dew
encircle the earth.

L2, perhaps ... 'her tears the mourning dew

Hmmm, if I make any changes here, I wouldn't want to 'the's so I would likely do something along the lines of:
her tears, the mourning dew
encircle earth. I'll ponder further.

Rising from sea and sky,
two protect one
in silent sacrifice.

Excellent. Two becoming one, uniting the sea/sky - no nits here. Not a word out of place.

It's actually a bit deeper for duality. I hoped the reader would identify the connection of the two icons doing Zeus' bidding, Eos from the sea and Pegasus from the sky.

In the shelter
of devotion,
the heralds jump.

Perhaps ... "Within the shelter/of devotion/ the hearalds jump."

Excellent ending, Lori ... I am impressed with this one!

I'll give that closer a bit more thought Liz -thanks so much!

~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Lori,
Wow and gee....I'm so very impressed. How lucky we are that you're on a 4-day week!
Of course I have no nits at all, unless I'm dazzled stupid by your startling imagery & vocabulary.

Hi Sylvia - thanks so much for your thoughts! I'm glad you enjoyed this one!

In the haven
of majesty, symbols
settle in unison…
Beautiful opening stanza.

Again, many thanks, I was torn between the two as to which one to use for the opening but as I starting jotting down the body of the poem, this one seems more powerful as the opening.

Zeus sheds tears
releasing thunderbolts
toward dishonesty.
Ahem...he was a little dishonest himself, at times!!!

Oh yes, absolutely. Here, I wanted to show his disappointment in the goings-on of the people.

His scepter
of lightning and rage
splits the sky.

Striking!

Cool Syl. Your remark made me giggle as lighning does 'strike' sometimes. Tee hee.

Clouds give way as Cronus
is cast to defeat. Zeus did some pretty ghastly things to Cronus!
Tartarus and its shadows
welcome him and his Titans. Some Greek myth specialists say that Prometheus was a Titan and the true father of mankind... different versions to confuse us!

Yes, then there's the roman version too to confuse us even more!

Pegasus glides among celestial
virtues, rearing the burden
of immortal thoughts. Beautiful, Lori!

Thanks, I really like this stanza too.

He bows to Eos - ascending dawn;
her tears of mourning dew
encircle the earth.

Rising from sea and sky,
two protect one
in silent sacrifice. I was expecting Aphrodite to appear around here, but never mind me!

Tee hee, yes, she would fit well in this timeline of the poem - I just had to limit the characters for my own sanity sake. Maybe in a Part 2? LOL! Well, at least she punished Eos by making her fall for mortals when she learned of her lover Ares' fling?

In the shelter
of devotion,
the heralds jump.

What a response to a challenge! Awesome, indeed.
Thanks for posting it here, and yes, Larry would be tickled pink. I miss him too.
Hugs, Syl ***

Thanks for your comments Sylvia and yes, Larry would have gotten a big kick from this one to be sure!

HUGS
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue.

Thank you very much! I'm still not keen with all the tricks on FV myself, but I'm glad you mentioned the presentation and that you liked this poem.

Glad you stopped in!
~Cleo

Hi Lori...
This is a beautiful presentation. Your verse captures the power of the picture. I've come with praise and can offer little in the crit department as I am a real novice when it comes to free verse, but I do know what I like and I like this. I'll be reading the comments offered by others in hopes of learning more about how to write good fv.
Thanks for sharing this.
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

Yep, it can be like 'one second, I see an image and think instantly of some possible responses, and sometimes, I just go, 'Hmmm, nothing's happening here!"

Oh, that's a good suggestion about the sky - cowering, apprehensive, subservient - like this word! More embellishment it will be!

Tartarus could be an it, yes. It is a place. BUt it might be best for me to say: Tartarus' shadows welcome his Titans. The only niggle with that is that Iwant to say that BOTH Tartarus the place and the people (shadows) welcome the Titans.


With regard to Pegasus, yes, I could make more stanzas detailing the virtues and the burdens but I think it would get too wordy and take away from the reader to ponder on their own? He carried Zeus' thunderbolts and was ridden by Eos, the goddess of dawn.

Would I enjoy traveling to Europe, see the sights - You BETCHA! Hopefully, we will next year sometime!
Thanks for stopping in - I'll be posting a rev in a few...

Cheers
~Cleo

Hi Lori,

I looked at the photos numerous times, but was unable to get motivated, oddly. Perhaps my lack of knowledge in the mythological department is partly to blame, and of course, being in drydock hasn't helped much either.

I applaud your posting. There are spots where I'd like to see more embellishment, as per

His scepter
of lightning and rage
splits the sky.
where I'm curious about the sky. Is it cowering, as suggested in the next verse, or any number of images.

Is Tartarus an it?

Pegasus glides among celestial
virtues, rearing the burden
of immortal thoughts.
What are those virtues? Whose burden is it? What immortal thoughts could those be?

Very enjoyable read, and excellent photos. Y'all should go over to yonder and take a look.

Merlin