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May 21 10, 11:52
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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I've come to reminisce, retracing all your steps beneath the symmetry of pines and palms that colonnade near Angwin Hall. The old rectangle chapel face aligns its sacramental windows with the hills, where sixty-years ago, inside those white washed plaster walls your faith was found. Shade spills like balm against the beveled glass. This fight, to capture every yesteryear you've owned, leaves me undone. The dormitory stairs of walnut, tap an ageless chant— intoned with all your giddy dreams and girlish prayers. The thought of you remains an oblique ray of fleshless gold, that burns my hours away.
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May 21 10, 15:09
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,505
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Karen,
Is this a retrospective look at your own experiences at La Sierra or maybe a daughter's time there, (or even an exercise in anthropomorphizing the campus itself?) I can't tell from the reading, which I enjoyed. Nice sonnet. One small nit though; short one foot in L7. May I suggest adding "cools and" before "spills"; i.e. washed walls your faith was found. Shade cools and spills
Everything else is IP and I just assume you want it all that way.
Title suggestions: Visiting Yesterday - Reflections - Silent Echos
Remember, take or toss as you will.
Larry
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May 21 10, 15:29
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Larry-
dang! I swear I checked those lines, lol. Thanks for helping, not too hard to fix this :-)
K
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May 21 10, 15:48
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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there- I think it's ok now.
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May 25 10, 15:42
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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It's becoming a real pleasure to read you work, Karen. I really enjoyed this one. I like the change you have made to L7 too. Snow
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May 25 10, 17:39
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Eisa,
Thanks! That's nice of you :-)
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May 28 10, 00:36
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 262
Joined: 4-February 09
Member No.: 756
Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Winning Writer's web site
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Hi Karen -
No nits, no crits. This is really quite beautiful and I'm feeling a bit wistful. I'll try to come up with a few suggestions for the title.
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May 28 10, 23:07
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Merle~ Thanks, I appreciate you reading it ;-) QUOTE (merle @ May 28 10, 00:36 ) Hi Karen -
No nits, no crits. This is really quite beautiful and I'm feeling a bit wistful. I'll try to come up with a few suggestions for the title.
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Sep 20 10, 02:06
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Karen,
Came across this and the read is lovely. It deserves a title. I am not sure if the place specific is the one that Larry mentions, La Sierra is one and the same in your Sonnet. You hadn't mentioned it in your reply, but if so, I think that would make an awesome title as it would serve as a pivoting power point.
Take or toss ...
Best Regards, Liz
PS I would a thumbs up for the suggestion that Larry left for L7.
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Sep 20 10, 15:29
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Guest
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Hi, Karen, lovely sonnet,well controlled. There are a couple of places where I need a little help. QUOTE where sixty-years ago, inside those white washed plaster walls your faith was found. Shade spills The 'white washed plaster' image applied to faith invokes the 'white-washed sepulchres' of the gospels, a very negative description which I doubt you intended. If you did, of course, it is very effective; if this was not your intention, could I suggest replacing 'faith was' with 'faults were' to keep the alliteration and stay in the general area invoked. QUOTE to capture every yesteryear you've owned, leaves me undone. The dormitory stairs In these lines it's the switch from 'you've' to 'me' that threw me a little. Are you addressing the building or the young girl you were when you attended? Or perhaps a bit of both? Not sure, the later lines on dreams and prayers don't really help me with that understanding, but perhaps that's not too important; the language use is beautiful and more than compensates for a little confusion. Jim
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Sep 22 10, 09:27
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Liz, Sorry I took so long to come back here- I think I missed your comments. Just saw Jim's! Thank you so much :-) QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Sep 20 10, 03:06 ) Hi Karen,
Came across this and the read is lovely. It deserves a title. I am not sure if the place specific is the one that Larry mentions, La Sierra is one and the same in your Sonnet. You hadn't mentioned it in your reply, but if so, I think that would make an awesome title as it would serve as a pivoting power point.
Take or toss ...
Best Regards, Liz
PS I would a thumbs up for the suggestion that Larry left for L7.
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Sep 22 10, 09:31
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Jim, Thanks for going throught this, I appreciate the help. The line about capturing every yesterday was address to my mother, I went back to walk her school campus and it brought back memories of her youth. It could seem a bit confusing but I'm not sure if I can do much to clear it up at this point. Good to see you around! K QUOTE (bombadil1247 @ Sep 20 10, 16:29 ) Hi, Karen, lovely sonnet,well controlled. There are a couple of places where I need a little help. QUOTE where sixty-years ago, inside those white washed plaster walls your faith was found. Shade spills The 'white washed plaster' image applied to faith invokes the 'white-washed sepulchres' of the gospels, a very negative description which I doubt you intended. If you did, of course, it is very effective; if this was not your intention, could I suggest replacing 'faith was' with 'faults were' to keep the alliteration and stay in the general area invoked. QUOTE to capture every yesteryear you've owned, leaves me undone. The dormitory stairs In these lines it's the switch from 'you've' to 'me' that threw me a little. Are you addressing the building or the young girl you were when you attended? Or perhaps a bit of both? Not sure, the later lines on dreams and prayers don't really help me with that understanding, but perhaps that's not too important; the language use is beautiful and more than compensates for a little confusion. Jim
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