a sevenling (tweaked), 7 line poem Options

[Eisa]

This is a form I have just discovered called sevenling and I have posted details in Karnak Crossing. It is a very unusual form. I don't think I've done it justice here.

TWEAKED VERSION

The neighbours gave carnation cuttings;
I tucked them into lavender beds --
next year they’ll propagate.

He pulled up weeds all afternoon
‘til zilch remained to spoil the plot.
I gasped to see my crop was gone.

His concept of cuttings is wild.





ORIGINAL
The neighbours gave carnation cuttings;
I tucked them into lavender beds --
next year they'll propagate.

He pulled up weeds all afternoon
'til zilch remained to spoil the plot.
I gasped to see my crop was missing.

His conception of cuttings is wild.

[JLY]

Snow,
I just read your poem and I think I need to visit Karnack to get a better understanding of this format.
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

Thanks for posting this new form. Is it related in any way to haiku, I wonder? With its 3 details and haiku's 2 pictures... oh my! To this day I can't write one of those properly! LOL Anyhoo... on to your poem!

The neighbours gave carnation cuttings;
I tucked them up in beds of lavender --
next year they’ll propagate.

I can easily see the three details here. I was wondering... would 'I tucked them up in lavender beds' smooth the flow a bit?

He pulled up weeds all afternoon
‘til zilch remained to spoil the plot.
I gasped to see my crop was missing.

Here I'm not so sure if I'm seeing 2 or 3 details. It almost seems as though lines 1 & 2 are so connected that it's hard to seperate them. May be just me! LOL

His conception of cuttings is wild.

Should the 'punch line' have a connection to both verses or just the end? I was just curious because I don't see any connection to the first verse when speaking of 'wild'. I've read your description in Karnak but can't remember it exactly. And didn't you say that the first 2 or 3 words was a part of the title? *smiles* I've read it twice! What a lousy memory I have! LOL

Well done~
Cathy

[Eisa]

Snow,
I just read your poem and I think I need to visit Karnack to get a better understanding of this format.
JLY

Good idea John -- I can't say I'm completely clear myself! LOL!

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy

Thanks for coming in on this new form.

Hi Snow,

Thanks for posting this new form. Is it related in any way to haiku, I wonder? With its 3 details and haiku's 2 pictures... oh my! To this day I can't write one of those properly! LOL Anyhoo... on to your poem!

I think I have read somewhere that it is vaguely related to haiku. I think I will do better with haiku -- and I've run out of thoughts for those at the moment.

The neighbours gave carnation cuttings;
I tucked them up in beds of lavender --
next year they’ll propagate.

I can easily see the three details here. I was wondering... would 'I tucked them up in lavender beds' smooth the flow a bit?

I'm sure I had that at one time -- it does sound much smoother

He pulled up weeds all afternoon
‘til zilch remained to spoil the plot.
I gasped to see my crop was missing.

Here I'm not so sure if I'm seeing 2 or 3 details. It almost seems as though lines 1 & 2 are so connected that it's hard to seperate them. May be just me! LOL

You're right Cathy -- I'll think on that!

His conception of cuttings is wild.

Should the 'punch line' have a connection to both verses or just the end? I was just curious because I don't see any connection to the first verse when speaking of 'wild'. I've read your description in Karnak but can't remember it exactly. And didn't you say that the first 2 or 3 words was a part of the title? *smiles* I've read it twice! What a lousy memory I have! LOL

Well I used 'cuttings' from the first verse -- hoping to make the connection that he thought the cuttings were wild flowers (weeds)

Now what did it say about the first 3 words -- hang on --

A sevenling should be titled Sevenling followed by the first few words in parentheses

-- mind you the examples haven't used prenthesis!

Oh -- my memory's as lousy as yours ... I'm going for another look. LOL!!
Well done~
Cathy[/b]

Thanks for calling Cathy -- I think I'll stick to a sonnet LOL!

Snow

[wordsart]

This is an interesting form.

i just looked it up on google
So your poem has the three elements in the first and second three lines. And the seventh line acts well as the narrative summary.

It seems to work fine on that score. Perhaps though the metre is not that regular. It is almost iambic in the first six lines, though not quite. And it might feel more rounded if the final lilne were also iambic.

I like line five where I get the mysterious feeling that the rules talk about. I think I detect a story not fully disclosed there with zilch remaining to 'spoil the plot'.

and I found 'next year they'll propogate' had possible layered meanings too.

I agree 'lavender beds' is much smoother.

I can't make sensible suggestions about metre, but yo perhaps it would help to make it more regular.


Thanks for introducing the form.

I can see this is going to be fun to work with.

Much harder than it first appears too.





Jenni

[Eisa]

This is an interesting form.

i just looked it up on google
So your poem has the three elements in the first and second three lines. And the seventh line acts well as the narrative summary.

It seems to work fine on that score. Perhaps though the metre is not that regular. It is almost iambic in the first six lines, though not quite. And it might feel more rounded if the final lilne were also iambic.

I like line five where I get the mysterious feeling that the rules talk about. I think I detect a story not fully disclosed there with zilch remaining to 'spoil the plot'.

and I found 'next year they'll propogate' had possible layered meanings too.

I agree 'lavender beds' is much smoother.

I can't make sensible suggestions about metre, but yo perhaps it would help to make it more regular.


Thanks for introducing the form.

I can see this is going to be fun to work with.

Much harder than it first appears too.





Jenni

Thanks for your comments Jenni -- it was refreshing to try something new, but not as easy as I thought. It is about time I had another look at this and I think it would benefit from smoothing out the meter. Thanks for your thoughts!

Snow

[Eisa]

I've tweaked this slightly -- but still not sure if I've done this form justice!

Snow

[wordsart]

Hi Snow

That tweak works well. Thumbs up from me.

I only read one example of the form on google from Anna Akhmatova, the one I read rhymed in translation. (probably a good translation). But the page I read informed that the form does not require either rhyme or metre. The requirements are the air of mystery, the separate three thoughts and the final twist. you seem to have done justice to all that.

I tried one which I will post on Monday that I feel diffident about.

I feel 'gone' works better than m 'missing'. Your final line is still not iambic (the single line), but it feels right as that adds emphasis to it.



Jenni

[Eisa]

Hi Snow

That tweak works well. Thumbs up from me.

I only read one example of the form on google from Anna Akhmatova, the one I read rhymed in translation. (probably a good translation). But the page I read informed that the form does not require either rhyme or metre. The requirements are the air of mystery, the separate three thoughts and the final twist. you seem to have done justice to all that.

I tried one which I will post on Monday that I feel diffident about.

I feel 'gone' works better than m 'missing'. Your final line is still not iambic (the single line), but it feels right as that adds emphasis to it.



Jenni

Thanks Jenni

I'm glad you feel the last line works well -- I'm not too sure and am still thinking!

Snow