Caravan Life, Merlin-esque! Options

[Merlin]

Been working on this for a week or more and the result was 3 versions. This is V3, which I like best. All comments appreciated.


Caravan Life

Most every evening we’d circle the wagons,
light a small bonfire and gather around,
help with the fixins before nightly music
swirled in a passion thru-out the campground.
Most every evening we’d circle the wagons,
knowing what magic was soon to abound.


.....A fiddle, tambourine, and folk guitar,
.....a mandolin and once, a Khan sitar,
.....a clarinet starts rhythms from afar,
.....maracas chatter lively, ch ch-ch-ch ch-ch-ch
.....their mystic-music sketch.


I was a youth then but clearly remember (1)
unbridled freedom, a wild, harebrained foal,
starlight and fireglow and girls in bright outfits –
mesmeric beauties that captured my soul.
I was a youth then but clearly remember
evenings chock full of enthrallment-parole. *


.....A certain damsel with her castanets
.....could spin my heart around in pirouettes
.....the way she danced vivacious, chirpy sets…
.....maracas chatter lively, ch ch-ch-ch ch-ch-ch
.....their mystic-music sketch.


Dark chestnut eyes would find me and bind me,
render me senseless, ensnared in her charm,
snared like a rabbit, so hopelessly smitten,
powerlessly hollow, a fool with one arm.
Dark chestnut eyes would find me and bind me;
I paid no heed to my sixth-sense alarm.

Many years drifted in steady rotation,
spring after winter, then summer and fall.
Youngsters grew older while oldsters went onward,
caravan life took its last curtain call.
Many years drifted in steady rotation,
looking back yonder, our life was a ball.

* parole = noun: a secret word or phrase known only to a restricted group



(1) original V3 >>>
I was a youth then but clearly remember
starlight and firelight and nights dark as coal,
raven-haired girls – those olive-skinned beauties
danced with enchantment that captured my soul.
I was a youth then but clearly remember
evenings chock full of enthrallment-parole.

[Alan]

Dear Merlin,

Somewhere here I fell into the fact that this is a superb extended metaphor, and you confirmed it with your last words.

This is clearly a "form" poem - but what form ? I suspect one of your own invention, and it is very well executed with this poem.

Love
Alan

[Merlin]

Thank you for posting a reply, Alan.

Form it is, but what form I couldn't say. Certainly not a conventional one as in ballad or such. My main purpose is to make it flow well, and I interrupt that with changing meter between the longer and shorter verses. Why not, eh?

The original version was quatrains, 5 stanzas. I revised that into sestets with the repeating lines, and finally modified things by rewriting into a couple of shorter stanzas.

I hope it's a happy piece that may bring back some memory of times long gone.

Best

Merlin

[Thoth]

Intriguing poem Merlin, or lyric really.

Beautifully rhythmical, it has the essentials of a classic ballad written in your custom format which is quite enchanting. The imagery is lively and colourful, especially the musical sketch which I loved...

The poem depicts a classic tale of idyllic gipsy carefree romance but in some places there are some very well worn cliches.

eg:
"nights dark as coal,"
"raven-haired girls" –
"olive-skinned beauties"
"chestnut eyes"

The ending is for me weak and a let down of an otherwise exciting sketch. Something goes wrong with the rhythm in the refrain, perhaps I’m just not getting it but it falls down and I get tongue twisted.

Describing the girls is key to this poem and needs to stimulate lust in the male reader and jealousy in the female reader. I would advise keeping it impersonal until the reveal the end.

Here are some suggested re-arraignments for you to muse over.

Cheers,

Wally

Most every evening the wagons encircled,
bonfires flaring, we gathered around,
help with the fixins before nightly music
swirled in a passion thru-out the campground.
Most every evening the wagons encircled
magic we all knew was soon to abound.


Fiddle and tambourine, country guitar,
mandolin, clarinet, old Khan sitar.
Mythical, rhythmical, ancient the beat
danced from the dust in the campfire heat.
Under the bright stars, heard from afar,
maracas chattering; chi-chi-chi-cha.

[Merlin]

Excellent pointers, Wally,
and I thank you. Actually, the number of cliches is an oversight of mine...
I'll take a look to make improvements where indicated.

You've caught the spirit - the gypsy life. I'm not one, but remember being admonished as a child that the gypsies would get me if I didn't behave!

Your input is appreciated.

Merlin

[MFK Buckley]

Hello Merlin: Much enjoyed for its rhyme, rhythm and distinct if indistinguishable form. As for the imagery... a damsel's addendum if I may... while some cliches are so over-used and others are dusty from the beginning I say of those used here there is a patina of familiarity (classics?) that paint a full picture deftly with a stroke or two.
Of a four mentioned... the latter three immediately create a full blown vision of a Gypsy beauty. As for the colour of night... well Merlin you know there are at least 50 shades of black. Frances
"nights dark as coal,"
"raven-haired girls" –
"olive-skinned beauties"
"chestnut eyes"

[MFK Buckley]

Hello Merlin: Much enjoyed for its rhyme, rhythm and distinct if indistinguishable form. As for the imagery... a damsel's addendum if I may... while some cliches are so over-used and others are dusty from the beginning I say of those used here there is a patina of familiarity (classics?) that paint a full picture deftly with a stroke or two.
Of a four mentioned... the latter three immediately create a full blown vision of a Gypsy beauty. As for the colour of night... well Merlin you know there are at least 50 shades of black. Frances
"nights dark as coal,"
"raven-haired girls" –
"olive-skinned beauties"
"chestnut eyes"

[Merlin]

Hi Fran,
I'll be getting back to this one, but at the moment I'm letting it rest. I do that often before returning when the time is right. I fully agree that a bit of polish can make the black glisten!

These past 2 weeks I've been back on the job to help finish a couple projects that needed completion - one a winery tasting room that had to open before the season in order to catch the tourist traffic. It is a high-end project featuring similar product, and they even threw a thank-you event for the construction crews. Not bad, and a good promo as well!

I'll make touch-ups and pull it up when the time comes. Meanwhile, thanks for the input.

Merlin

[Psyche]

Greatly enjoyed, this one. Love the rhyme and rhythm, as well as the fantastic "colour" you've given it. The whole setting can be seen in my mind's eye, with lots of movement and sound.

"Youngsters grew older while oldsters went onward,
caravan life took its last curtain call."

Everything passes... sad, but you've expressed it so well that I'm full of admiration.

I also stumble a bit with the refrain, but you've been given far better pointers than I could ever offer...LOL....

I remember my Dad waving away the gypsies that trespassed on our farm, long ago. I don't think I was told they might steal me, but some parents did that. It's surprising, looking back, what a lot of freedom my parents allowed me back on that farm. My friends were farmhands' kids and we got up to all sorts of trickery and never got caught!

I read elsewhere that you're away. Have fun, cheers, Syl***