IF, Sentimental (1st Edit) Options

[Peterpan]

Hello!!! What do you think? Still needs work...is there an improvement?? Stuggling with keeping my imagery. Bev




IF

If I could stretch across the sea
each day you’d get a hug from me
along with pulsing heartfelt wishes
(I settle for paper doll reminisces.)

My mind stretches across the sea
I contact telepathically
I can desire for nurturing wings
or serenity while a lark sings…

Since, we stretch across oceans
in soul and spirit and emotions,
reflect when you see a feather,
blink then we will be together.

Copyright 2009 © Beverleigh Annegarn

IF

If I could stretch across the sea
I’d touch and hug you all, daily
I’d send fortitude and warm wishes -
(Instead, I settle for paper doll reminisces.)

My mind can stretch across the sea
I’m in contact with you, frequently,
I can wish victorious wings
or just tranquillity, like when a lark sings…

Because, I stretch across the sea
in soul and spirit, so easily,
remember us when you see a feather -
remember us when you are all together.

Copyright 2009 © Beverleigh Annegarn

[Peterpan]

Please offer some help. Rhyming is not my normal forte!

:)

Bev

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Bev

Wow - you posted in Herme's - cool!

Hang in there - be back as soon as I can (at least to offer feedback).

HUGZ
~Cleo

[Peterpan]

Hanging!

:)

Bev

[mike in brooklyn]

Hi Beverleigh - nice to meet you.

Since rhyme/meter is not your usual venue you might benefit
from reading up on it a bit.
Here is a beginning http://www.geocities.com/soho/8028/primer.htm
but a search on rhyming metered poetry primer will turn up more.

Personally - it is the meter more than the rhyme which
satisfies my hunger.

Your entire poem (with nice sentiments)
can be thought to rhyme - but the meter is certainly
off.

proper meter - using your first two lines as an example

If I could stretch across the sea
Each day you'd get a hug from me

I would certainly hope you persevere and join the
shrunken ranks of those of us who persist in this form.

[Peterpan]

Hi Mike~

Thank you for taking the time...I really appreciate your thought and effort to point me in the right direction...

I will take a look again with your example in mind and take a look at the link.

Sincere appreciation.

Beverleigh

[Psyche]

Lovely thoughts and images, but yes, the metre or flow is not right at all.

Mike has fixed your L1&2, but when I tried to tackle L3&4 I found that I'd have to change your message or content far too much, and I'd rather not do that. And I'm not an expert, so I'll wait and see how others can help you, and get back to this promising piece later on.

Congrats, Bev. I've been thru' this metre challenge many a time, and still don't get it all right!

Hugs, Syl***

[Peterpan]

Hi Syl!

Thanks for the encouragement!

Working at it!

Bev

[jgdittier]

Dear Bev,
I'm 90% meter-driven so the comments here couldn't please me more. I yearn for the return to acceptance for the style of our poetic inheritance.
Moderns sometimes think that metered, end-rhymed poetry is for nursery rhymes. Not me, I respond with goose bumps when I hear the music in a poem featuring carefully metered and end-rhymed poetry. I even believe that in time it will reestablish its rightful place in the poetry world. (How, I don't know)
Bev, do join our growing membership of R&Mers. Read the best of the free versers and some Wordsworth, Longfellow, Robert Service And Poe (THE RAVEN) and then decide which style you want to master. Then master it!
I hope to be reading your for a long time.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

[Peterpan]

Hi Ron

Booo Hoo, struggling. But will keep at it...:)

Bev

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Hi Peterpan,

I've highlighted a few points below. Rhymes are nice, meter is essential. Even if you opt to write free verse, I believe that mastering the meter is a must. You need a well-trained ear to compose musically-pleasing free verse lines. The "tight" structures can be great help as you learn to master sounds and rhythms.

If I /could stretch/ across/ the sea/
each day/ you’d get/ a hug/ from me/
along/ with pulsing heart/felt wish/es >>the first 3 lines are metrically correct.
(I settle for paper doll reminisces.)
>>This obviously doesn't work metrically. You could get away with perhaps one metrical substitution.
There's another problem with that line: "reminisces", which is a verb and doesn't work syntactically. Also, a full-rhyme contains identical sounds from the last stressed vowel sound. You might find this online tool helpful: www.rhymezone.com


My mind/ stretches/ across/ the sea /
Here, the trochaic substitution in the second foot, while not being stellar, is acceptable.
I contact telepathically
Technically, this isn't a solid rhyme, unless you "promote" the last vowel to a stressed position, as you've done here. I'd try to stay away from those while you work on writing solid rhymes.
I can desire for nurturing wings
or serenity while a lark sings…

Since, we stretch across oceans
in soul and spirit and emotions,
This is what I mean by "promotion", the word "and" which is moved to a stressed position though we wouldn't stress it in natural speech, unless we did it for emphasis, which isn't exactly the effect you want to achieve here. Still, many poets do it, I do it, and I don't think it's worth a night pulling at your hair in front of your laptop...:) Technically, the meter of this line is correct.
reflect when you see a feather,
blink then we will be together

I hope this help.

Mark

[Sekhmet]

Hello there Peter Pan - A poem full of wistful longing for those far away.
Welcome to HH, which I gather is a new venture for you,

Please don't be too put off by all the technical poetic terms. At first, I was terrified by the weird and wonderful words used to crit, my work - none of which I understood.
My advice would be to simply try to get a regular beat going in your head as you read your poem aloud.
Your first line had four beats - so it's not a bad idea at first, to aim for four beats in every line. (You can always use different beat patterns later.)

A very basic four beat example:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of wa-ter.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
and Jill came tum-bling af -ter.


It helps to walk about, reading your poem aloud - and mark where your foot falls; or, (as I do) punch the palm of your hand as you read.
If you are in any doubt where the beat lies, this technique will really help.
If you are still unsure where the beat falls - that is the area that needs rethinking.
The first challenge when beginning fixed form rhyming, is to add a strong, regular beat, (of your choice) to the rhyme.

Please stick with it - we need all the disciplined writers of fixed form, rhyming verse we can get!
Leo

[jgdittier]

Dear Bev.
I can't let my compadres above do all the work and so I'll fess-up to how I STILL write. Yes, I'm mechanical and have never really escaped from it.
Now don't laugh- please!
I write the first line (let's assume it happens to be
"If I could stretch across the sea"
I'd annotate -/-/-/-/
then I'd write a second line, likely to be either -/-/-/-/ or -/-/-/
Now I'd have to decide on the end rhyme scheme, likely aabb or abab or abba (which I personally don't like much) or even aaba,bbcb,etc. which I really like! (Read Frost's "Stopping...")
Now I can add stanzas as I feel up to it and can make deviations from the form if I choose.
As to the rhymes, the footage must mesh.
Your revision corrects the "the SEA/DAIly".
Not every one agrees, but for me I like a broadway show that leaves me whistling new tunes. Poetry for me that uses repitition such as I can anticipate... Without anticipation, I can't remember what to whistle.
Maybe it's simplistic and perhaps childish but it's what keeps me here.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

[mike in brooklyn]

Dear Bev

I hope you are not getting too confused with all of the suggestions.

I am writing only to encourage you to continue your
attempt to write in rhyme and meter.

Perhaps you might benefit from reading some classic
works which are in rhyme and meter.
Frost, Pope, Millay and Dickinson come to mind -

Hang in there

[Peterpan]

Hello Mike, Mark, Ron and Leonora!

I have been on a flying trip to Botswana and Namibia...just to let you know why I have not been here...! :) It was amazing...20 hours of flying all in all and in the desert and delta.

I am back now until the 3rd July. - Hopefully I will pay my FV poetry some attention! (Mean't FF!)

I appreciate all your comments!

Till then and take care.

Bev

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Bev, I hope you can stick with the R&M, I still have problems with it, I always feel too constrained, although I love to read it and I don't have too much problem with rhyme its that darned meter and foot thingies that get me every time... I think you have a good beginning and lots of help. I like the subject matter too, Twenty hours flying over the desert? long time up there in the air. Take care..
Steve

[Peterpan]

Hello Steve!

Thank you for the encouragement. I will give it a firm bash. Just getting my feet on the ground and working. Holidays are great but, one has to earn ones time off!!

I am sure I will have time to spend on poetry soon.

Hopefully lots of inspiration from my trip.

Sincere appreciation for your words.

Bev

[Thoth]

Hi Bev,
Glad to see you are back safely from your adventure, I trust it was as good as expected.

Pleased you are attempting R & M at last.

Splendid work with this one so far, I like the idea and approach you took. The wistful longing to be with someone distant comes through well. There are some parts that could be fine tuned but for a first attempt at this form I must compliment you. Why were you not doing this years ago??

I will return with some detailed comment later.

Hugs, Wally

[Peterpan]

Hello Wally~

Yes, back after a wonderful time...need I say more...!

I will call you and come and visit, possibly next week?

Bjorn is home for this week from Tanzania and then going to Korea and China for two weeks. Although we saw him in France earlier this year he has not been home since October last year.

Thank you for your kind comments on my poem. I need to put in some time now that I am home for a while. But, I am presently writing an article for a flying mag. It is taking up all my creative energy...:)

Nicola keeps me informed of her activities. She has an interesting life.

Good to see you on MM!

Chat soon!

Bev

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey there Bev and WALLY, so GOOD to see you posting! I trust you are healing well and will back with us more often?

Bev - glad to hear you're back too and I look forward to hearing all about your latest adventures.

I'll be back soon to offer commentary - glad to see you giving R&M a whirl!

Talk soon,
~Cleo