Museless (was 'Where Is She?') ~ REVISED, LogaRhyme Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Museless ~ REVISION 1

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up quite unheard
behind my back.
I end up writing something trite
while hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil's track.

Eraser's chewed, my lips stained gray
I'm throwing all my thoughts away
in my attempts
to write down one specific thing
to make the reader dance or sing,
without contempt.

So if you see me on my knees
don't fret, I'm trying just to tease
a little bit
to lure my muse from underneath
the couch, not showing sharpened teeth
or throwing fits!

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyrightJune2006




Where Is She? ~ ORIGINAL

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up quite unheard
behind my back.
I end up writing what seems trite
while hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil track.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright June2006

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

I will have to try one of these again - is there no number of stanzas required?

Here are a few ideas for you to ponder below.
Cheers!
~Cleo

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up {quite} [still] unheard
behind my back.
I end up writing what seems trite
while hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil's track.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

I will have to try one of these again - is there no number of stanzas required?

I don't think so but I will check just to make sure.

Here are a few ideas for you to ponder below.
Cheers!
~Cleo

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up {quite} [still] unheard

I'm not sure about this one. If they are sneaking up, then they aren't being heard so how could they be 'still' unheard? Does that make any sense?

behind my back.
I end up writing what seems trite
while hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil's track.

This is probably the way I should have written it to begin with. I will keep these thoughts in mind when working on a revision ... whenever that might be. lol

Thanks Lori~

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

I'm not sure about this one. If they are sneaking up, then they aren't being heard so how could they be 'still' unheard? Does that make any sense?
Cathy

Hi Cathy.

I forgot the pause there as I had meant for the word 'still' to replace 'quiet' in meaning, so it would be something like this:

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up; still, unheard ...

Does that help?
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Oh I miss the Logarhymes. We named this after Keith Logan who presented it with his own talented flare... To answer Lori's question, no there is not set stanza requirement, although it works best with 2 or more stanza. However, I've written a few that were single stanza verse to introduce and in between two separate poems that link one to the other.

This is quite nicely done. The subject is something I can surely relate to, especially lately as my muse has taken a comatosed sabatical. :)


I adored the way you've painted a picture of the narrator 'tempting' her muse to come out and play by 'forcing' the hand to paper. I think it cannot get more exact than that...

Some minor thoughts to follow, please use what helps and discard the rest. :)

Best wishes, Liz

Where Is She?

Very cute and fitting title. Because the poem, although serious in an underlying manner, it touches the reader with its whimsical tone; playful voice which enhances that playful teasing of teh muse. I thought this was done very well.

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up quite unheard
behind my back.

L2, felt forced to fit the end rhyme. Perhaps...
'when sneaky stresses peek; unheard
behind my back.

I end up writing what seems trite
while hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil track.
Perhaps in L1, you might consider ...
"...writing something trite
still hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil track.


Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright June2006

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy.

I forgot the pause there as I had meant for the word 'still' to replace 'quiet' in meaning, so it would be something like this:

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up; still, unheard ...

Does that help?
~Cleo

Ahhhh ... now I see! lol

Thanks Lori~

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

Oh I miss the Logarhymes. We named this after Keith Logan who presented it with his own talented flare... To answer Lori's question, no there is not set stanza requirement, although it works best with 2 or more stanza. However, I've written a few that were single stanza verse to introduce and in between two separate poems that link one to the other.

This is quite nicely done. The subject is something I can surely relate to, especially lately as my muse has taken a comatosed sabatical. :)
I adored the way you've painted a picture of the narrator 'tempting' her muse to come out and play by 'forcing' the hand to paper. I think it cannot get more exact than that...

Some minor thoughts to follow, please use what helps and discard the rest. :)

Best wishes, Liz

lol I wish it were as easy as setting hand to paper!

Very cute and fitting title. Because the poem, although serious in an underlying manner, it touches the reader with its whimsical tone; playful voice which enhances that playful teasing of teh muse. I thought this was done very well.

Thank you! I'm not sure where the whimsy came from ... I was quite frustrated when I wrote it. *smile*

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up quite unheard
behind my back.

L2, felt forced to fit the end rhyme. Perhaps...
'when sneaky stresses peek; unheard
behind my back.

Hmmmm ... I'll think about this.

I end up writing what seems trite
while hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil track.
Perhaps in L1, you might consider ...
"...writing something trite
still hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil track.

I like this. Thanks! I'll keep all of this in mind for a revision.

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Revision posted! *smiles*

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

A wonderful improvement! I think the addition of two more stanzas (and their content, LOL) really add more dimension to this piece.

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up quite unheard
behind my back.
I end up writing something trite
while hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil's track.
I can sense the 'stress' in this opening, the 'rushing' I often I do when I'm interrupted in thought. Even though this stanza is very powerful on its own, I'm happy to read and find out more in the next stanza...

[+] {-}

Eraser{'}s chewed, my lip[']s stained gray[;]
I'm throwing all my thoughts away
in my attempt{s}
to write down one specific thing[,]
to make the reader dance or sing{,}
without contempt.
Now -THIS grabs my attention and gives me more 'background' to support S1.

So if you see me on my knees
don't fret, I'm trying just to tease
a little bit[;]
to lure my muse from underneath
the couch, not showing sharpened teeth
or throw{ing} [a] fit{s}!
In L5, I keep wanting to say 'revealing' instead of 'not showing' but that doesn't work.

I've offered some changes to both four-count lines in S2 and S3 so they are exact rhymes (not that you mind them as is of course) and some PP for ya to take or toss as you wish Cathy.

Enjoyed this revision~
~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy.

A wonderful improvement! I think the addition of two more stanzas (and their content, LOL) really add more dimension to this piece.

Thank you Lori!

I suffer from a lack of word,
when stresses sneak up quite unheard
behind my back.
I end up writing something trite
while hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil's track.
I can sense the 'stress' in this opening, the 'rushing' I often I do when I'm interrupted in thought. Even though this stanza is very powerful on its own, I'm happy to read and find out more in the next stanza...

lol It gets rather chaotic around here with a 5-yr old in the house!

[+] {-}

Eraser{'}s chewed, my lip[']s stained gray[;] But that would make it plural and I only have one pencil at a time. As for 'lip's', wouldn't that make it 'lip is'? That indicates one lip and I was referring to both.

I'm throwing all my thoughts away
in my attempt{s} This would work too but I think I was trying to convey that I had made more than one attempt. lol

to write down one specific thing[,]
to make the reader dance or sing{,}
without contempt.
Now -THIS grabs my attention and gives me more 'background' to support S1.

LOL

So if you see me on my knees
don't fret, I'm trying just to tease
a little bit[;]
to lure my muse from underneath
the couch, not showing sharpened teeth
or throw{ing} [a] fit{s}! This doesn't read quite right for some reason.

In L5, I keep wanting to say 'revealing' instead of 'not showing' but that doesn't work.

I know ... I'm still working on that one!

I've offered some changes to both four-count lines in S2 and S3 so they are exact rhymes (not that you mind them as is of course) and some PP for ya to take or toss as you wish Cathy.

Enjoyed this revision~

Thank you Lori!
~Cleo

[Cybele]

Hi Cathy,

Well, I'll be blowed!! I wrote a reply to this one this morning and it disappeared into the ether apparently. So here we go again.

The very name of this style of poem reminds me of the dreaded logarithms at school!

You, though have mastered them completely Cathy.

My only suggestion is with this stanza.

Eraser's chewed, my lips stained gray
I'm throwing all my thoughts away
in my attempts
to write down one specific thing
to make the reader dance or sing,
without contempt.

The last line strike me as a slightly forced rhyme and doesn't follow naturally from the previous statement.

Perhaps you would like to consider (or not, as the case may be

Eraser's chewed, my lips stained gray
I'm throwing all my thoughts away,
all pre-conception,
to write down one specific thing
to make each reader dance or sing,
without exception.

Thanks for the read Cathy. Now let's see if this one lands on the page!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Grace!

Hi Cathy,

Well, I'll be blowed!! I wrote a reply to this one this morning and it disappeared into the ether apparently. So here we go again.

Don't ya just hate that! lol

The very name of this style of poem reminds me of the dreaded logarithms at school!

I'm afraid my school days may have been too long ago for that!

You, though have mastered them completely Cathy.

Oh ... I don't know about that, but thanks!

My only suggestion is with this stanza.


QUOTE
Eraser's chewed, my lips stained gray
I'm throwing all my thoughts away
in my attempts
to write down one specific thing
to make the reader dance or sing,
without contempt.


The last line strike me as a slightly forced rhyme and doesn't follow naturally from the previous statement.

I see what you mean! It doesn't read quite right after line 5. Hmph .. go figure!

Perhaps you would like to consider (or not, as the case may be

Eraser's chewed, my lips stained gray
I'm throwing all my thoughts away,
all pre-conception,
to write down one specific thing
to make each reader dance or sing,
without exception.

Hmmmm... the ideas are stirring!

Thanks for the read Cathy. Now let's see if this one lands on the page!

Apparently it did! LOL And thank you so much!

Cathy

[JustDaniel]

Greetings from a very hot Williamsburg, VA...

where I'd expected access to the compuer from my room, but it's only in the lobby or the "business center" room... which is a bit if a bust, since it means time away from Eileen... so while she's still sleeping I'm sneaking in a few minutes.

Grace's comment about forcing rhyme is the kind of important observation that we always have to keep in mind. I do not have a suggestion re the "contempt" issue (though I do understand your use of that word, since I've felt some of my poems have been received with just that. LOL ), but I do have a couple of suggestions, one to make the feel more natural and take notice AWAY from the rhyme, and the others re punctuation:

I suffer from a lack of words(,)
when stresses sneak up quite unheard
behind my back.
I end up writing something trite
while hoping for my muse to sight
my pencil's track.

Eraser('s) chewed, my lips stained gray[,]
I'm throwing all my thoughts away
in my attempts
to write down one specific thing
to make the reader dance or sing(,)[...]
without contempt.

So[...] if you see me on my knees[,]
don't fret(.)[;] I'm trying just to tease
a little my muse a bit
to lure my muse her out from underneath
the couch, not showing without red, sharpened teeth
or throwing nasty fits!

I realize that the latter suggestions may not be quite what you intend, but I just wanted to offer something with a bit more parallel construction to allow you to look at the wording slightly differently, not necessarily to paint quite that graphic a description... unless that is what you want!

Lightly, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Daniel,

As always, I can use the punctuation help! lol Darned English! As to the suggestions for the last verse ... I think I like them. At least the juices are flowing ... thanks!

On vacation are you? Hope the weather's nice! An extra thanks for taking time to take a look at this and offering your input!

Cathy