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The Journey |
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May 2 10, 19:10
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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Hello James,
I do like how you have formed this and the message within. I do see some punctuation changes to be made.
[] = delete ()= add
Is it not true [?] that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie [,] hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, but rather in [the] eternal, luminous springs [that] nurtur(ing) the throbbing nucleus of our souls (.)
[All] (They lay) within our grasp and yet(,) so often [,] forgotten...
Ofcourse you can choose to take or toss
Dani
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May 2 10, 23:27
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 9,313
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi James,
I like the questioning tone of this mystical piece very much. I have one or two suggestions for you to take or toss, as usual.QUOTE (hellfire @ May 2 10, 10:18 ) Is it not true? <<<<<<<<< remove question mark here. that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie, <<<<<<<<< no need for comma here, it interrupts the flow. hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, but rather in [the] eternal , <<<<<<<< 'the' is unnecessary. luminous springs [that nurtures] <<<<<<<<< 'nurturing' the throbbing nucleus of our souls
All within our grasp and yet so often, forgotten… I like your finale, it's so true & sad that in our modern, rushing society this basic wisdom escapes our attention. Fewer people take time off for meditation.
A fine poem appealing to our innermost self, before it becomes too late.
Sylvia
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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May 3 10, 00:09
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 9,313
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hey James!
That was a quick rev. I think it's beautifully polished now, whereas the essence of your poem remains the same.
Congrats, I hope more people spy this profound piece.
Sylvia
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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May 3 10, 01:03
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends
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Dear James,
Well, I think I get what you are saying, and if I have it right, it is a good message.
My problem is the sort of double negative within the first sentence, or several lines. The word NOT appears 2x in the first 4 lines, and means that I have to stop to untangle the thought.
Perhaps there is a way of recasting it ?
BTW, anything I offer by way of crit is for you to view (or not), adopt, adapt, or chuck. Compared to you as the originator of the poem, I am but an annoying mosquito !
Love Alan
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May 4 10, 17:34
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi James I really like the profound message of this poem and your recent revision. I just have a few thoughts to pass on to you - take or toss! Is it not true that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, but rather in eternal, luminous springs nurturing the throbbing nucleus of our souls. First, I can see Alan's point about the double negative at the beginning.
'Is it not true that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie ....'
The way this is worded does not make your message completely clear. I think perhaps a more positive 1st line -- something like
'Surely it's true...'
Also - I was once told that if you have a line which has only 1 or 2 words in it, then those words must have great impact. Bearin this message in mind, your 2nd line is 'that' ... which I do not think is particularly strong enough to stand alone. My preference would be
Is it not true that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason,They lay within our grasp and yet so often, forgotten… I hope something I've said might help in some way, but it is your poem to use or lose as you wish. It is good to read your work, with such a strong message.
Snow
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May 13 10, 23:41
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi James, I like the message, and agree with the critique by Dani... You have laid out some "truths" here, without sounding didactic or preachy-it's a nice poem. Karen QUOTE (hellfire @ May 2 10, 04:18 ) Is it not true that the pursuit to nirvana does not lie hidden within the murky depths of earthly reason, but rather in eternal, luminous springs nurturing the throbbing nucleus of our souls.
They lay within our grasp and yet so often, forgotten…
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