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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Oct 4 16, 13:55
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#1
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 Assyrian  Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy  |
Revision
Standing still I gazed at their languishing faces, it must have been the stare from their karmic existence that made me buy large framed spectacles. I subconsciously longed to be different make a splash, then others commented "if your eyes are the soul yours look pretty dim". It seemed clear I had broken a rule unknowingly searching life in flames clouding my bluish desire. ORIGINAL Standing still I gazed at their faces those ones languishing, it must have been the stare from their karmic existence that made me buy large framed spectacles. I subconsciously longed to be different make a splash, then others commented that if your eyes are the soul they looked pretty dim. It seemed clear I had broken a rule unknowingly searching life in flames clouding my bluish desire. ·······  ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Oct 4 16, 16:05
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Antony,
Another philosophical approach to life, well done. Some irony deftly slipped in, IMO. I don't think I have any important nits. You just need to add "if your eyes are the soul", although in this context I think it's not properly expressed. "the soul" makes it sound general, not specific to the subject in question. Maybe "if one's eyes are one's soul" and then use present tense: "yours look pretty dim". Unless we have to suppose that the subject removed the spectacles. I'd also add a comma after "different". Your poem comes over to me as if the subject wants to escape his own karma, because whatever one's status in life, supposedly we all have a karma to chisel away at in each life. I don't go for that theory, but I'm just sayin'... Could you explain what "bluish desire" means? Did the spectacles have a lens with a bluish tone? I go with that, just curious. Well used. Syl  ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
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Oct 5 16, 00:52
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#3
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Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
Thank you for the review.Some food for thought. The idea came at Waterloo station, although the version in my head was far more accomplished
······· ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Oct 5 16, 08:26
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#4
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 Assyrian Posts: 250 Joined: 1-November 15 Member No.: 5,282 Real Name: richard chase Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Rhapsody |
Antony - I like this just have a problem with the first two lines, mainly "those ones languishing"
Standing still I gazed at their faces those ones languishing, could change it to 'those languishing' or - 'standing still I gazed at their languishing faces.' Other than that, fine. RC |
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Oct 5 16, 14:46
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#5
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Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
Thank you RC for your valuable input
······· ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Oct 6 16, 17:14
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#6
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Antony,
You've made some very good changes here in your revision. I've enjoyed the read. Eira ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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Oct 12 16, 17:17
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#7
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Great revision, Antony. It's about perfect to me. No nits now. Syl
······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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