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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Aug 4 16, 14:01
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#1
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 Assyrian  Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy  |
It's not in your voice,
more your pale gesture that senses defeat by morning light. Make sure your words are distant. Never aspire the rising sun nor praise the sacrifice, you thought I took up. The radii of distance between us is more than a 100 yards That will be enough to preserve the time I ascribe to be your banishment. ·······  ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Aug 7 16, 17:03
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Antony,
It's great to read another poem from you. It's not in your voice, more your pale gesture I might be wrong here, but wonder if 'pale' is the right word to use with gesture. perhaps 'slight' or 'slow'? that senses defeat by morning light. Make sure your words are distant. Never aspire the rising sun nor praise the sacrifice, you thought I took up. The radii of distance between us is more than a 100 yards That will be enough to preserve the time I ascribe to [be] your banishment. Perhaps delete 'be' Lovely poem Eira ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Aug 8 16, 03:14
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Intriguing poem, Antony. Enjoyed, but would appreciate a little explanation before suggesting any changes.
It appears to be written to a lover, or about a marriage breaking up... but I may be all wrong! Thanks for sharing, Syl  QUOTE (greenwich @ Aug 4 16, 16:01 )  It's not in your voice, more your pale gesture that senses defeat by morning light. Make sure your words are distant. Never aspire the rising sun nor praise the sacrifice, you thought I took up. The radii of distance between us is more than a 100 yards That will be enough to preserve the time I ascribe to be your banishment. ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner      |
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 Aug 9 16, 01:21
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#4
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Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
Thanks for the welcome comments.
The poem was inspired by a lady on a train and the pale features described by an office colleague. So this os not so much a romantic poem more a put down one ie imagination Also I think it should be distance rather than time from the person in the penultimate line ······· ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Aug 10 16, 01:04
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#5
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Thx, Antony,
Now I see what you mean. Well, yes, distance would be better. I agree. You mention 100 yards just above. Still, space-time is also a good combination. Enjoyed more this time around. Syl QUOTE (greenwich @ Aug 9 16, 03:21 ) Thanks for the welcome comments. The poem was inspired by a lady on a train and the pale features described by an office colleague. So this os not so much a romantic poem more a put down one ie imagination Also I think it should be distance rather than time from the person in the penultimate line ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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