Kisses, The sky at night Options

[Eisa]

Kisses   (revision 2)


The winking stars caress the night and sigh
as diamond clusters kiss the blackened sky
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from daylight’s glow.



The pearly moon soon blankets us in dream
then merges with the precious sight, to beam
embracing rays of light across the land,
and flaunt the gems that grace night’s velvet hand.



This splendour breathes romance…I gasp aloud
when kisses scatter over darkened cloud.
The pallid moon appeals to night. " Ssh... hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.




Kisses  (revision 1)


The winking stars have kissed the blackened sky
and night's caressed, as diamond clusters sigh.
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from daylight’s glow.


The pearly moon then blankets us in dream
and merges with the luscious sight, to beam
embracing rays of light across the land,
and flaunt the stars, that hold a velvet hand.


This splendour breathes romance. I gasp aloud
when kisses scatter over darkened cloud.
The pallid moon appeals to Night. " Ssh... hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.






Kisses (original)



The winking stars have kissed the blackened sky
and night's caressed, as diamond clusters sigh.
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from day time's glow.

The pearly moon then blankets us in dream
and merges with the luscious sight, to beam
embracing rays of light across the land,
to show off stars, that hold the velvet hand.

This splendour breathes romance. I gasp aloud
when kisses scatter over darkened cloud.
The pallid moon appeals to Night. " Please hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Eisa,

Our trip from Hampshire to Derby was delayed - now due to set off about 6am Fri - so if you'd kindly put the kettle on we should be round Brum in time for brekkie! Heck! That means I must give you a good crit!

OK, this type of somewhat lyrical nature poem seldom appeals to me. It is just not a genre I care for - though I have written in it myself. However, in this particular case there are many good aspects.

Your use of language is uniform. Your verse (stanza if you prefer) structure is sound and contributes to the overall aesthetic.

I do like some of the rhymes. Despite not being in fashion, if applied properly, rhyme really can help a poem to flow - and you have applied it properly (the one thing I don't care for as much is the truncation of "ivory"; seems a little forced to me. "Ivory aside, some of your words work really well... sky/sigh and land/hand (amongst others) seem very natural.

So, in summary, not my sort of poem at all but for all that I think you have written it really well - I enjoyed the flow of it if not the sentiments. I shall look out for more of your writing in future. Thank you.

Any chance of that cuppa, now? Please...

[Eisa]

Hi Eisa,

Our trip from Hampshire to Derby was delayed - now due to set off about 6am Fri - so if you'd kindly put the kettle on we should be round Brum in time for brekkie! Heck! That means I must give you a good crit!

I'm so glad you called here

OK, this type of somewhat lyrical nature poem seldom appeals to me. It is just not a genre I care for - though I have written in it myself. However, in this particular case there are many good aspects.

As this sort of does not usually appeal to you I feel honoured that you have stopped to `crit' it.

Your use of language is uniform. Your verse (stanza if you prefer) structure is sound and contributes to the overall aesthetic.

I do like some of the rhymes. Despite not being in fashion, if applied properly, rhyme really can help a poem to flow - and you have applied it properly (the one thing I don't care for as much is the truncation of "ivory"; seems a little forced to me. "Ivory aside, some of your words work really well... sky/sigh and land/hand (amongst others) seem very natural.

Yes, I must say `iv'ry' has been bugging me to, so I'm glad you have mentioned it...about time it was changed

So, in summary, not my sort of poem at all but for all that I think you have written it really well - I enjoyed the flow of it if not the sentiments. I shall look out for more of your writing in future. Thank you.

I hope to see you again  :pharoah2  Call for a cup of tea

Any chance of that cuppa, now? Please...

Hi Jox


Do come in...have a cup of tea    haha!!

glad to see you here....call again when you can    

Eisa

[Michelle]

Hi Eisa,

This is a beautiful rhyming poem
and written in iambic meter too!

Your images of evening are beautiful.

I find the flow excellent.

Only one small bump in meter for me:

to show off stars, that hold the velvet hand.

Here I want to stress 'off' instead of 'show'.


Lovely poem.

[Aphrodite]

Kisses

The winking stars have kissed the blackened sky
and night's caressed, as diamond clusters sigh.
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from day time's glow.

The pearly moon then blankets us in dream
and merges with the luscious sight, to beam
embracing rays of light across the land,
to show off stars, that hold the velvet hand.

This splendour breathes romance. I gasp aloud
when kisses scatter over darkened cloud.
The pallid moon appeals to Night. " Please hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.

Hello Eisa~

I have read this "stunning" piece before, and enjoy it even more the second time.

Your alliteration and expression is as refreshing as an Autumn wind.

Just lovely.

Take care~      
Lindi

[Guest_Artemis_*]

Kisses

The winking stars have kissed the blackened sky
and night's caressed, as diamond clusters sigh.
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from day time's glow.

The pearly moon then blankets us in dream
and merges with the luscious sight, to beam
embracing rays of light across the land,
to show off stars, that hold the velvet hand.

This splendour breathes romance. I gasp aloud
when kisses scatter over darkened cloud.
The pallid moon appeals to Night. " Please hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.

This is beautiful.  I like the form.. you've done a very nice job with the meter. ... VERy beautiful images!

This might be my favorite part:
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from day time's glow.

I'm wondering, though, if day time should be presented as one word...  Or maybe use 'daylight' instead.. somehow, "day time" reads as harsh and staccato, considering the flow of the rest of the poem.

The pallid moon appeals to Night. " Please hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.

I LOVE that last line.. 'peep' reminds me of a 'peeper'.. which would make anyone blush!  

As for the flow in that stanza, something about 'Please hush' seems incongrous to me.. maybe a comma after 'please'.. because it seems to me that the moon would want to be very polite in this situation, and speak softly.. making a request, not a demand on the night...  I was thinking  "Shhhh... hush" but perhaps a comma would present a pause that would alter the emphasis.

Someone mentioned feelinga 'speed bump' in this line:
to show off stars, that hold the velvet hand.

I must disagree.. yes, the rhythm here is a little bit broken, but to me it is not problematic; it simply adds more interest, and prevents your beautiful sonnet (?) from being simply 'singsong'.

GOOD work!

gena
artemis

[Eisa]

Hi Eisa,

This is a beautiful rhyming poem
and written in iambic meter too!

Your images of evening are beautiful.

I find the flow excellent.

Only one small bump in meter for me:

to show off stars, that hold the velvet hand.

Here I want to stress 'off' instead of 'show'.


Lovely poem.

Hi Michelle

Thank you for your encouraging words here.

I have felt that bump too`to show off stars' and am thinking how to smooth it out a little.

Thanks again
Snow

[Eisa]

Hello Eisa~

I have read this "stunning" piece before, and enjoy it even more the second time.

Your alliteration and expression is as refreshing as an Autumn wind.

Just lovely.

Take care~      
Lindi

Hi Lindi

Thank you for you very encouraging words...they have made me feel so good


Eisa

[Eisa]

[quote=Artemis,Sep. 17 2003, 20:41][quote=Eisa,Sep. 11 2003, 14:53]Kisses

The winking stars have kissed the blackened sky
and night's caressed, as diamond clusters sigh.
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from day time's glow.

This is beautiful.  I like the form.. you've done a very nice job with the meter. ... VERy beautiful images!

This might be my favorite part:
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from day time's glow.

I'm wondering, though, if day time should be presented as one word...  Or maybe use 'daylight' instead.. somehow, "day time" reads as harsh and staccato, considering the flow of the rest of the poem.
Oh yes...I like daylight here, it has a lovely smooth sound

The pallid moon appeals to Night. " Please hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.

I LOVE that last line.. 'peep' reminds me of a 'peeper'.. which would make anyone blush!  

As for the flow in that stanza, something about 'Please hush' seems incongrous to me.. maybe a comma after 'please'.. because it seems to me that the moon would want to be very polite in this situation, and speak softly.. making a request, not a demand on the night...  I was thinking  "Shhhh... hush" but perhaps a comma would present a pause that would alter the emphasis.
Yes I agree...`please hush' does sound rather hard, but `Sshh...hush' sounds beautiful....Thanks for that thought.

Someone mentioned feelinga 'speed bump' in this line:
to show off stars, that hold the velvet hand.

I must disagree.. yes, the rhythm here is a little bit broken, but to me it is not problematic; it simply adds more interest, and prevents your beautiful sonnet (?) from being simply 'singsong'.

Mmm...I still feel that `show off ' might be improved on. I'm thinking on it. Thanks for sharing your opinion though.
GOOD work!
Thanks for your encouragement  

gena
artemis[/quote]
Hi Gena

Thanks for your suggestions...you have given me some good ideas to think on
here.

Snow

[Athena]

Hello Eisa,

I enjoyed your journey through night with pictures galore!  Even hesitatingly touching on morning ... delightfully well done, dear woman!

Thanks for sharing,

Blessings,
Athena/Dolly     

[Eisa]

Hello Eisa,

I enjoyed your journey through night with pictures galore!  Even hesitatingly touching on morning ... delightfully well done, dear woman!

Thanks for sharing,

Blessings,
Athena/Dolly      

Hello again Dolly

Glad you liked this one. At one time I could not stop writing about the sky  

Lovely to see you here  


Snow

[Guest__*]

Kisses   (revision 2)

The winking stars caress the night and sigh
as diamond clusters kiss the blackened sky
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from daylight’s glow.

The pearly moon soon blankets us in dream
then merges with the precious sight, to beam
embracing rays of light across the land,
and flaunt the gems that grace night’s velvet hand.

This splendour breathes romance…I gasp aloud
when kisses scatter over darkened cloud.
The pallid moon appeals to night. " Ssh... hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.

A good rhythm. Good choice of vocabulary and end rhymes, but couplets, no matter how well written always seem a bit forced in a longer poem. I think if next time you produced quatrains with an ABAB or ABCB scheme, you will be more pleased with the results.

A

[Eisa]

Kisses   (revision 2)

The winking stars caress the night and sigh
as diamond clusters kiss the blackened sky
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from daylight’s glow.

The pearly moon soon blankets us in dream
then merges with the precious sight, to beam
embracing rays of light across the land,
and flaunt the gems that grace night’s velvet hand.

This splendour breathes romance…I gasp aloud
when kisses scatter over darkened cloud.
The pallid moon appeals to night. " Ssh... hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.

A good rhythm. Good choice of vocabulary and end rhymes, but couplets, no matter how well written always seem a bit forced in a longer poem. I think if next time you produced quatrains with an ABAB or ABCB scheme, you will be more pleased with the results.

Yes I have to agree with you here...Couplets do stop the flow. I have actually changed some poems in a revision so I don't have couplets...couldn't do it with this one though.
A

Hi Arkhen

Nice to see you again...with your wise words  :pharoah2

See you

Snow

[Arnfinn]

hI




Good imagery of the reckless nighscene..............

Loved

The pallid moon appeals to night. " Ssh... hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.


Yep.............loved the picture of the sky blushing <<<<...>>>dawn


Arnie

[Eisa]

hI




Good imagery of the reckless nighscene..............

Loved

The pallid moon appeals to night. " Ssh... hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.


Yep.............loved the picture of the sky blushing <<<<...>>>dawn


Arnie

Hi Arnie

Now I am blushing with your kind words

Snow

[Cybele]

Hello Eisa,

My first thought. This is not a poem. This is my favourite painting, Starry, Starry Night by Van Gogh! It has all the movement energy and love he poured into that  picture. Just a couple of tiny points:

Kisses   (revision 2)


The winking stars caress the night and sigh
as diamond clusters kiss the blackened sky
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from daylight’s glow.

L2 Full stop after sky?


The pearly moon soon blankets us in dream
then merges with the precious sight, to beam
embracing rays of light across the land,
and flaunt the gems that grace night’s velvet hand.

L4 is absolutely inspirational, just like a young woman showing off her engagement ring for the first time!



This splendour breathes romance…I gasp aloud
when kisses scatter over darkened cloud.
The pallid moon appeals to night. " Ssh... hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.

L4 I don't think you need the full stop after night since the moon is appealing and this is what he is saying

Altogether Magical Eisa.

Love

Grace

[Eisa]

Hello Eisa,

My first thought. This is not a poem. This is my favourite painting, Starry, Starry Night by Van Gogh! It has all the movement energy and love he poured into that  picture.

What a lovely comparison...thanks
Just a couple of tiny points:

Kisses   (revision 2)


The winking stars caress the night and sigh
as diamond clusters kiss the blackened sky
A spangled curtain covers earth below,
creating velvet shade from daylight’s glow.

L2 Full stop after sky?

Yes there certainly should be...oh my punctuation!

The pearly moon soon blankets us in dream
then merges with the precious sight, to beam
embracing rays of light across the land,
and flaunt the gems that grace night’s velvet hand.

L4 is absolutely inspirational, just like a young woman showing off her engagement ring for the first time!

I'm so glad you liked this line as I have changed it so many times during revisions...but I think I've finally got the right idea

This splendour breathes romance…I gasp aloud
when kisses scatter over darkened cloud.
The pallid moon appeals to night. " Ssh... hush!"
As dawn begins to peep, the sky will blush.

L4 I don't think you need the full stop after night since the moon is appealing and this is what he is saying
Mmm...thanks... I didn't think of that one.
Altogether Magical Eisa.

Love

Grace

Hi Grace

Nice to see you again :) and thank you for your encouraging comments.

Best wishes
Snow