Seasonal, Ron Doe Options

[Merlin]

So Long Summer

So, long summer days have headed west
again, and in their wake, cool winds expressed
their firm desire to rule the autumn air
by chasing sunshine down its southern stair
and pushing rain clouds off a mountain crest.

A polka dot delight, Oktoberfest
ignites the sky at night, a sequined vest
of starlit, sparkle-spangled silver ware;
so long, summer days.

Not many weeks before another guest
arrives, who’ll send Boreas on his quest
across our landscape, laying down with care
his ermine mantle, spotless outerwear
that he arranges at his own behest.
So long, summer days.

[JLY]

Merlin,
Your poem may be a bit premature. Here in the NE, the temperatures are approaching 90 and air conditioning is turned back on in many places.

Truly, I thought this was one of the best seasonal poems I have read in quite sometime. There are so many things I admire about it and in the same breath, I say to myself..."Why didn't I think of that?"

My favorite lines...

their firm desire to rule the autumn air
by chasing sunshine down its southern stair
and pushing rain clouds off a mountain crest.

I thought the use of "southern stair" was quite clever.

I also found the following word choices to be flowing with unique imagery:

sequined vest , sparkle-spangled silverware;

No crits at this juncture; just an appreciation for a nice early morning image-packed diversion.

JLY

[heartsong7]

A lovely Ron Doe
No nits from this gallery.
Speaking for me re: "so long summer"... I sure hope so. 92 degree highs in Oct. is a bit much!
Our fall starts tomorrow... after record setting heat for 3 months, we expect a high of 65. Yay!
Sue

[Merlin]

Thank you for adding your replies, John & Sue.

I would have to agree that 90-92 is a bit much for October. Ours is a normal time of year, the odd bit of rain, lots of clouds, wind, and usual temps. Leaves have blown off with the winds picking up, and days are noticeably shorter. It's that darkness that brought this one on.

It's also a take-off on a line from about a year ago, "So Long Friends" by one of our participants then, to which I quipped, "should that be 'so, long friends,' or 'so long, friends'."

Glad you stopped by.

Merlin

[4rum]

I looked... couple times... can't find anything wrong
I like that you have a fresh write on this seasonal subject and I LOVE the alliteration.

sam

[Judi]

Hi Erik..

The one place I stumble is L1 S1...I think beginning it with "so, is very awkward...that should be an easy fix...I really like the poem...I especially enjoy autumn poems since I no longer have one in Florida...actually we do have a fall of sorts, but with so many trees and vegetation that is green all years it doesn't show like it does up north.

Blessings, Judi

[Merlin]

Thank you Sam & Judi.

Sam, I was concerned with perhaps too many "esses", but I hope that it gives more of a spark rather than hiss sound. Glad you looked in.

Judi, that opening is necessary to the whole rondeau form, unfortunately. It was my thought to bring in 2 versions of "so long", 1 being the "so, something happens", and the 2nd being the farewell words.

I still enjoy the 4 seasons, even if we don't have palm trees here. By the sounds of things, with the temperatures in the east, things may change - who knows?

Merlin

[Larry]

Merlin,
What a beautiful "Ron Doe"! So fitting to the coming seasonal changes we all wait for so impatiently. I'm not very familiar with the structural specifications of this type of poem but am terrible about meter. Sooooooo...

Within your finely crafted poem, one nit
Precise pentameter is most of it
Except the Ron Doe part
S1/L1's a wee bit short
Or is this how Ron Doe's are s'posed to start?

Seriously, I don't know.

Larry

[AMETHYST]

Hi Eric,

I wrap myself in your words as I sit in my "Florida' living room, with a broken air conditioner to add emphasis to your RON DOE! The title and contrast in meaning to the first line is a very creative use of duality and making your words work for me...

I only could see a couple of very minor, tiny nits and they aren't all that important. The rhythm, rhymes and execution of the form is wonderful...

Best WIshes, Liz

So Long Summer

So, long summer days have headed west
again, and in their wake, cool winds expressed
their firm desire to rule the autumn air
by chasing sunshine down its southern stair
and pushing rain clouds off a mountain crest.

L3, (perhaps a firm desire ...)

Wonderfully fresh end rhymes (west/expressed/crest) these aren't used all that often together and they read in meaning as natural as if there weren't rhymes expected.

A polka dot delight, Oktoberfest
ignites the sky at night, a sequined vest
of starlit, sparkle-spangled silver ware;
so long, summer days.

I stumbled alittle in this stanza as I felt the alliteration was a bit over the top. Too many s, a little like a tongue twister... (perhaps that is a requirement of a Ron Doe>???) LOL

in L1, perhaps coming to a full stop after delight, or making use of an exclaimation mark...
In L2, perhaps ''ignites evening skies with a sequined vest'

Not many weeks before another guest
arrives, who’ll send Boreas on his quest
across our landscape, laying down with care
his ermine mantle, spotless outerwear
that he arranges at his own behest.
So long, summer days.

I enjoyed the last few lines here and felt they made for a strong ending. But the first 2 lines in this stanza was a bit of a confusing in meaning. At first I wasn't sure the narrator is speaking about that which already passed, but then in L2, by the word 'who'll ...' that it is coming.
However, on a second reading it became clear so I only mention it as a point of occurance rather than a plea for change...

:)

HUgs, Liz

[Merlin]

Thank you for reading, Larry & Liz. Glad you enjoyed the autumn scene.


Larry, I dropped a syllable by design in L1. Why not?

Liz, V3 has a couple of “silent words” in there, which, it they were written, would make the sentence flow better. Trouble is, they would knock the brat out of the bratwurst. I’ll look to that one, since it is the same rhyme pair.


A few words regarding the Doe family – it is quite large. You’ve no doubt seen John Doe frequently, noticed his signature? There was a famous youngster whom you’ll recognize – the Pillsbury Doe Boy, but I believe he died of a yeast infection.

The Ron Doe branch of the family stems from France. There are short ones, prime ones, Tennyson ones, and a lot of others, like rondel and rondelet. Some of their offspring have changed into terzanelle, virelais, and others. For more details, check HERE.

This particular one is the 15-line version, or some will say, 13-line with refrain. As all those French forms, refrain is predominant and rhyme scheme is limited. There are 2 rhymes, and the first part of line 1 becomes the refrain. Lines are most often octosyllabic, or decasyllabic, but that is not a written law.



Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

I truly adore the Rondeau form and you've not disappointed with this celebratory change of seasons. It reads very smoothly, well chosen rhymes compliment the message of your title. I must admit, I like Autumn most of all, and Octoberfest, LOL!

This is my favorite image (although there are many in this poem) for its creative design, alliteration and imagery:
ignites the sky at night, a sequined vest
of starlit, sparkle-spangled silver ware;

No nits here.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Thanks for your comments, Lori. Have a good time in Florida, hope the winds don't blow down there.

Thank you for the nomination to ibpc, (I'm not sure who dunnit, but thx.), we'll see how r & m fares if selected.

Merlin

ps to Judi -
you're aware of caesuras, no doubt. Generally you'll see them in the middle of a line, to break things evenly. The other two spots are at the beginning, and near the end. In order, they're called: Initial, Medial, & Terminal Caesura. I've used an initial caesura, requiring a pause in the beginning, after the opening "so".
Once upon a time they were marked by 2 pipes, like this: here I break || between these parts.

M

[Cleo_Serapis]

Best of luck in the upcoing MM poll, Eric and thank you for your good time wishes as we mix it up with Mickey and all his friends, ! It's HOT HOT HOT here, YOW (not much of heat fan)! I'll slather myself in sunblock 45 all day and will still most likely get fried like an egg. Ah well...

I'll further check on your Caesura explanation as I am new to the term and will try and utilize them in a future write too - THX!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Eric!

This poem has been chosen to represent MM in the Nov. IBPC.

Best of luck!
~Cleo

-What is the proper title?

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Eric, A great seasonal piece, as I stated to Lori in her piece I have barely heard of rondeau never mind written one but after reading this I feel it was well done and congrats on being nominated for IBPC.
Steve