Within Our Garden Gate, Sentimental Options

[Peterpan]

First Edit - Many thanks to Alice, Snow and all

Within Our Garden Gate

Welcome to the inglenook
of our family home.
Laughter hangs on painted walls.
Foliage, daffodils and birdsong
animate picture windows.
Welcome to the sanctum
of our inner beings: soup
and ideas shared at the kitchen table.
With sandy hands we planted
saplings, they have countless
rings, adding years to our nuptial.
Daily, the washing flutters in
sunshine. Over the garden wall
our children’s harmony creeps
into the bustling, outside world
we can’t keep it forever
within our garden gate.

Copyright © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn, June 2009













Within Our Garden Gate

Welcome to the inglenook
of our family home.
Laughter hangs on the painted walls.
Foliage, daffodils and birdsong
animate the picture windows.
Welcome to the sanctum
of our inner beings: soup,
and ideas shared at the kitchen table.
With sandy hands we planted
saplings, they have countless
rings, adding years to our nuptial.
Daily, the washing flutters in the
sunshine. Our children’s harmony
creeps over the wall
into the bustling, outside world
we can’t keep it forever
within our garden gate.

Copyright © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn, June 2009

[Arnfinn]

G'day Bev,

What a wonderful poem.

Your welcome, beckons inside, then you document your typical day and a revelation of history.

Good poetry.

You have matured.




Within Our Garden Gate

Welcome to the inglenook
of our family home.
Laughter hangs on the painted walls.
Foliage, daffodils and birdsong
animate the picture windows.
Welcome to the sanctum
of our inner beings: soup,
and ideas shared at the kitchen table.
With sandy hands we planted
saplings, they have countless
rings, adding years to our nuptial.
Daily, the washing flutters in the
sunshine. Our children’s harmony
creeps over the wall
into the bustling, outside world
we can’t keep it forever
within our garden gate.



Very good Bev;


John

[Peterpan]

Hello John!

Many thanks for your kind words and sincere encouragement!

When I write from my heart...I suppose it shows.

I am pleased that you think I have matured! :)

Thank you for receiving my hearty welcome through the garden gate...

With appreciation!

Bev

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Bev,

There's much to be liked in this poem. It is a good read which, with some small surgery, could be a great one. Take that from somewhat who doesn't like sentimental verse, that's quite a compliment

I hope my comments below help,

Mark

Within Our Garden Gate

Welcome to the inglenook
of our family home.
Laughter hangs on the painted walls.
>>I love this line, reminds me of T.S. Eliot.
Foliage, daffodils and birdsong
animate the picture windows.
>>I'd change "animate" with a more specific verb; it tells more than it shows, and doesn't measure up to the rest of the poem. Also, "picture windows" is vague...
Welcome to the sanctum
of our inner beings: soup,
>>"soup", though a bit cliche, works well here, bringing flavours and aromas to the poem.
and ideas shared at the kitchen table.
With sandy hands we planted
saplings, they have countless
rings, adding years to our nuptial.
>>I feel that "adding years to our nuptial" is redundant here, I had gathered that much.
Daily, the washing flutters in the
sunshine. Our children’s harmony
creeps over the wall
into the bustling, outside world
we can’t keep it forever
within our garden gate.
>>Frankly, I don't like the ending, but it's got to do with my own poetic prejudices. I don't like the feeling that I am told what to think...I would rephrase it, but I'm sure many readers will be fine with it.


Copyright © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn, June 2009

[Peterpan]

Hello Mark~

Thank you for coming through the garden gate!!

I am beginning to get to know you just a little , nothing personal, I was quite surprised that you read my 'sentimental' poem. BUT, I really appreciate you reading it as I got an unemotional, clear, objective opinion.

As the poem comes 'straight from my heart' I will think very carefully regarding changes - obviously, I would like it to also be an excellent poem - straight from my heart. I really appreciate your comments!

I am thrilled that you thought I sounded like TS Eliot...! WOW!

Chat soon and thank you once again. :)

Bev

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Hi Bev, definitely can tell this is from your heart, which is not a bad thing. I liked it a lot, but I can see some potential changes.

Within Our Garden Gate

Welcome to the inglenook
of our family home.
Laughter hangs on the painted walls. Nice open beginning.
Foliage, daffodils and birdsong
animate the picture windows. I am not sure about this line, when I think of "picture window" I think large sheet of glass...through which you would not hear birdsong...plus 'birdsong would not be animated..birds fliying, or colorful birds, or maybe some specific birds and other wild life animate/ or make the window seem animated. ??? not sure this helps any.
Welcome to the sanctum
of our inner beings: soup, Maybe a type of soup?
and ideas shared at the kitchen table.
With sandy hands we planted
saplings, they have countless
rings, adding years to our nuptial. I think a rearrangement here might help...

With sandy hands we planted
saplings during our nuptials,
years have added many rings.


Daily, the washing flutters in the
sunshine. Our children’s harmony
creeps over the wall Not sure creeps is a good word to use here, maybe floats, or rises...
into the bustling, outside world
we can’t keep it forever I think I would separate the last two lines into their own, and add 'or them' after the word 'it'.
within our garden gate.

I certainly hope this helps, as always use or toss.
Take care

Steve

[Alan]

Dear Bev,

Lovely thoughts, and the picture you paint.

One nit I have is I felt the short sentences made it a bit choppy, and below I offer MY idea as to how it might flow better, along with a few alt words. All for you to consider, then adopt, adapt, or chuck !

Love
Alan

[Peterpan]

Hi Bev, definitely can tell this is from your heart, which is not a bad thing. I liked it a lot, but I can see some potential changes.

Within Our Garden Gate

Welcome to the inglenook
of our family home.
Laughter hangs on the painted walls. Nice open beginning.
Foliage, daffodils and birdsong
animate the picture windows. I am not sure about this line, when I think of "picture window" I think large sheet of glass...through which you would not hear birdsong...plus 'birdsong would not be animated..birds fliying, or colorful birds, or maybe some specific birds and other wild life animate/ or make the window seem animated. ??? not sure this helps any.
Welcome to the sanctum
of our inner beings: soup, Maybe a type of soup?
and ideas shared at the kitchen table.
With sandy hands we planted
saplings, they have countless
rings, adding years to our nuptial. I think a rearrangement here might help...

With sandy hands we planted
saplings during our nuptials,
years have added many rings.


Daily, the washing flutters in the
sunshine. Our children’s harmony
creeps over the wall Not sure creeps is a good word to use here, maybe floats, or rises...
into the bustling, outside world
we can’t keep it forever I think I would separate the last two lines into their own, and add 'or them' after the word 'it'.
within our garden gate.

I certainly hope this helps, as always use or toss.
Take care

Steve

Hello Steve

Thank you for the extensive crit and thoughts! I really appreciate your help and assistance. I will take a close look and post a revision.

Many thanks again!

Bev

[Peterpan]

Dear Bev,

Lovely thoughts, and the picture you paint.

One nit I have is I felt the short sentences made it a bit choppy, and below I offer MY idea as to how it might flow better, along with a few alt words. All for you to consider, then adopt, adapt, or chuck !

Love
Alan

Hi Alan!

Many thanks for stopping by! Did you forget to copy your ideas??? I am waiting...

Bev

[Peterpan]

Hi Alan!

Bump!

See above!

Bev

[Alan]

Dear Bev,

Thanks for the nudge. I wrote a detailed piece with some suggestions, but have been so busy with work, and damn blisters on my feet, that I have not had the time or inclination to attempt to recreate my post.

Sorry.

Love
Alan

[Eisa]

Hi Bev

This is lovely -- I would say one of your best.

I would miss the comma here
of our inner beings: soup[,]
and ideas shared at the kitchen table.

Great sentiments
Snow

[Peterpan]

Hello Snow!

Thank you for stopping by!

Much appreciated!

Bev




Hello Alan

No pressure...I am off to the Red Sea! See you later!

Get better!

Bev

[Thoth]

Oh Bev, this is so warm and fuzzy, like the Brady Bunch it seems too good to be true but I know for the most part it is. Your children are indeed blessed to have received this heritage; many these days have never experienced a real home.

I too have lived for 30 years in the same modest house with the same wife. Children have come, grown up and flown the nest and now happy grandchildren play in the same garden that their parents once did, only the trees (and us) were saplings then.

I love your imagery – “inglenook”, the mixing up of” soup” with “sandy hands” and washing on the line. Such humble things are indeed the treasures of life.

Funny how the good times are remembered so well.

The family home is a refuge, a haven and the ending hints of dangers lurking on the outside. Things beyond our control but that must be faced and dealt with by our children in their turn.

It’s absolutely delightful and a pleasure to read. Thank you for making me feel better.

Hugs, Wally.

[Peterpan]

Oh gosh Wally, I thought you were in Messina but, I suppose the internet can travel! :)

Thank you for all your kind recognition of my careful words. Yes, the poem does speak from the heart.

I am glad to hear that you too have enjoyed the stablilty of a constant home.

I am very pleased to have made you feel better.

See you soon!

Bev

[Thoth]

I was waiting to be picked up so went online. I'm back now. The trip was very healing for body and soul.
I'm waitin on yer call,
BTW thanks for the pics and I loved the account of the air trip ***** five stars BABY!

Wal

[Peterpan]

I was waiting to be picked up so went online. I'm back now. The trip was very healing for body and soul.
I'm waitin on yer call,
BTW thanks for the pics and I loved the account of the air trip ***** five stars BABY!

Wal

Hello Wally~

I am juggling times. (I suppose you appreciate, when I am at home I have to work.) Fortunately, our company is still very busy. I hear horror stories of other businesses retrenching people. I am also trying to see you on the same day as a friend of mine - from school days - who is out here from Oz because her father died. She is in Edenvale area.

Eric and I have also been a bit fluey. Air travel and the extreme hot and cold temps we have experienced lately does not help. We are on the mend.

Last week we child-sat my brothers children. My brother and his wife went away to Phinda for a few days. They have not been away since the children were born. My brother is 5 years younger than me, and they are taking strain! I took strain ( I am not used to the challenges.). The children are beautiful and fresh but, so busy. I had to do school lifts to Marist and Brescia. Fortunately, Brigitta, my daughter was not travelling for work and she was home to assist. I survived and the richer for the experience.

I am so pleased that Africa has done its healing bit, you are blessed to have had a second glance at her beauty.

Take care and chat soon.

Bev

[Guest_alice_*]

what a delightful poem Bev. As I was reading it I was actually there, I could smell the soup and hear the birds singing..I have a few suggestions based on my like of minimalism.

Welcome to the inglenook what a cool beginning
of our family home.
Laughter hangs on the painted walls. take out (the)
Foliage, daffodils and birdsong can see this clearly
animate the picture windows.
Welcome to the sanctum love the word sanctum
of our inner beings: soup, don't need the comma, I think
and ideas shared at the kitchen table.
With sandy hands we planted
saplings, they have countless
rings, adding years to our nuptial.
Daily, the washing flutters in the take out "the" before washing
sunshine. Our children’s harmony
creeps over the wall maybe and over the wall our children's harmony creeps into...
into the bustling, outside world
we can’t keep it forever
within our garden gate.

A good poem puts you in the moment and I believe yours does it beautifully..

thank you for posting it
Alice

[Peterpan]

Hello Alice!

Many thanks for your suggestions. I think they are all great! I will implement all. (I am glad it brought you into the moment.)

With sincere appreciation for your time. I look forward to a long poetic relationship.

Bev

[Peterpan]

First Edit posted.

With appreciation for all assistance.

Bev