What Kindles A Soul - Lira Series, Lira's That Capture Family Foundations Options

[AMETHYST]

~~~~~1st Revision~~~~~~~

What Kindles A Soul
(Series of Lira's to capture Family Foundations)

Awakened by the lone chime
of a distant whistle, daybreak's railroad train
echoes of a cherished time,
where dawn's dancing swirls remain
secure in my heart; through Aunt Kate's window pane.

Sun-streaked asphalt burns, torrid,
evanescing; light-gray mist dissipating.
We quickly scattered, and hid
away, anticipating
a hide and seek "hopeful first kiss," while waiting.

The nurse snuck past the hall light
down the corridor, along the wall, inside
the maternity ward; night
lit, shadows creep, slip and slide.
I saw my daughter's smile and heard her first sigh.

As rough raging crests begin,
sea-storms surge, like waves against a mountain side,
old mem'ries emerge within
and anchor me. Each provide
those fam'iy ties that reach beyond ocean's tide.




~~~~Original~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Kindles A Soul
(Series of Lira's to capture Family Foundations)

Awakened by the lone chime
of a distant whistle from a railroad train.
It sings in the morning time
while dawn's dancing swirls remain
secure in my heart, like Aunt Kate's window pane.

Sun-streaked asphalt burns, torrid,
evanescing; light-gray mist dissipating.
We quickly scattered, and hid
away, anticipating
a hide and seek "hopeful first kiss," while waiting.

The nurse snuck passed the hall light
down the corridor, along the wall, inside
the maternity ward-night
lit shadows that slip and slide.
I saw my daughters smile and heard her first sigh.


As rough raging crests begin
and sea-storms surge, like waves against a mountain side,
old mem'ries emerge within
and anchor me. Each provide
those fam'ly ties that strive above ocean's tide.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Liz

Well done with this series of Lira. I must have been half asleep when I first read them because I thought it was one longer poem and got confused.  Perhaps some sort of dividing line would help dozy idiots like me.

A few thoughts
[add] {delete} comment

Awakened by the lone chime
of a distant whistle from a railroad train.
It sings in the morning time
while dawn's dancing swirls remain
secure in my heart, like Aunt Kate's window pane.

Some lovely imagery in this but I'm curious as to why Aunt Kate's window pane remains secure in your heart.

Sun-streaked asphalt burns, torrid,  ...excellent description of the heat on tarmac
evanescing; light-gray mist dissipating.
We quickly scattered, and hid
away, anticipating
a hide and seek "hopeful first kiss," while waiting.

the tense changes on L3 from present to past and then L5 is present again.

The nurse snuck {passed}[past] the hall light  
down the corridor, along the wall, inside
the maternity ward-night
lit shadows that slip and slide.  ..lovely alliteration
I saw my daughter[']s smile and heard her first sigh.  ...awww a special moment

I know a Lira is supposed to rhyme but I don't suppose it matters that the last line doesn't.

As rough raging crests begin
and sea-storms surge, like waves against a mountain side,
old mem'ries emerge within
and anchor me. Each provide
those fam'ly ties that strive above ocean's tide.

memories can be like the sea, stormy or calm but all part of you and a connection to family.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[AMETHYST]

Hi Nina,

THank you ever so much for the keen eye you've placed here. I think you might be right by suggesting something to separate the Lira's, I was hoping it would read as separate memories, then come the final line of the final Lira, it would show that each of these combined are the strengths inwhich the narrator uses to get through lifes' tough spots.

In Lira I

This is probably what needs the most revisions. It is the memory of when I was younger, and sometimes I would spend the weekend or a week in the summer at my Aunt Kates in Long Island, it used to bring such a warm, safe feeling to wake at dawn... the sky as beautiful as a painting and the distant whistling of the railroad trains. It left a warm secure feeling and it was through the window at my Aunt Kates house. I will be focusing on the revisions here to bring that meaning as close as possible.

In Lira II

L1/L2 is painting the picture of hot summer days and city streets. I will look into how I can make them past tense. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.

In Lira III

Yes, you are right, sigh/side are actually near rhymes and I was giving myself poetic range! LOL because I started with that final line and built the poem around it and just couldn't thind other alternatives that fit my thoughts...

I will be working on changing L2/4 to match the final line. Giggle.

I am glad that the final one brings that meaning to you. It is exactly what I had intended. I was hoping that the final would be a sum-up of all the others to connect them in that regard.

Hugs, and thank you for your feedback,

Best wishes for the New Year and all my best thoughts for you and your family, Liz

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Liz,


Since they are synonyms, evanescing seems to close to dissipating.


Don

[Siren]

Hi Liz,

It's so great to see this form used more. I enjoyed writing it too. There is no rule that a Lira should be confined to one stanza. As long as the syllable count is right then form is right. It's a syllabic form after all. :)

I am not one to crit and I have been away for too long a time too. :) so as always I comment on how a poem makes me feel, so here goes.

I think such a series is a great idea and very inspiring considering the topic. :)

I see Nina has given you nits so, to me, the concluding section of the series is impeccable. I felt this one through and through. :)

It was a great read Liz,

Thanks :)

Hugs
Dani

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz,


Since they are synonyms, evanescing seems to close to dissipating.


Don

Hi Don,

Very good point...When creating the image, I was focusing on evanescing, as to turning into a mist and then dissipating...I'll make a quick change to smooth that out. Thank you for catching it for me...


Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz,

It's so great to see this form used more. I enjoyed writing it too. There is no rule that a Lira should be confined to one stanza. As long as the syllable count is right then form is right. It's a syllabic form after all. :)

I am not one to crit and I have been away for too long a time too. :) so as always I comment on how a poem makes me feel, so here goes.

I think such a series is a great idea and very inspiring considering the topic. :)

I see Nina has given you nits so, to me, the concluding section of the series is impeccable. I felt this one through and through. :)

It was a great read Liz,

Thanks :)

Hugs
Dani

Hi Daniah,

So wonderful to catch you on the forums again. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I liked the Lira form when I read Cathy's first Lira and felt inspired by it. I was hoping to do several liras of various memories and then write a final one summing them up into today. (That one I am still working on)

I hope to see you writing and critiquing again soon... WIth all my hopes for a blessed New Years... Liz

Great to see you and interact with you again! Hugs...

[Cyn]

What Kindles A Soul
(Series of Lira's to capture Family Foundations)

Awakened by the lone chime
of a distant whistle from a railroad train.
It sings in the morning time
while dawn's dancing swirls remain
secure in my heart, like Aunt Kate's window pane.

Sun-streaked asphalt burns, torrid,
evanescing; light-gray mist dissipating.
We quickly scattered, and hid
away, anticipating
a hide and seek "hopeful first kiss," while waiting.

The nurse snuck passed the hall light
down the corridor, along the wall, inside
the maternity ward-night
lit shadows that slip and slide.
I saw my daughters smile and heard her first sigh.


As rough raging crests begin
and sea-storms surge, like waves against a mountain side,
old mem'ries emerge within
and anchor me. Each provide
those fam'ly ties that strive above ocean's tide.

Awakened by the lone chime
of a distant whistle from a railroad train.
It sings in the morning time
while dawn's dancing swirls remain
secure in my heart, like Aunt Kate's window pane. (I LOVE this line)

Sun-streaked asphalt burns, torrid,
evanescing; light-gray mist dissipating.
We quickly scattered, and hid
away, anticipating
a hide and seek "hopeful first kiss," while waiting.

The nurse snuck passed the hall light
down the corridor, along the wall, inside
the maternity ward-night
lit shadows that slip and slide.
I saw my daughters smile and heard her first sigh. (This stanza makes me recall the first time I saw my son. Nicely done)

As rough raging crests begin
and sea-storms surge, like waves against a mountain side,
old mem'ries emerge within
and anchor me. Each provide
those fam'ly ties that strive above ocean's tide.

I am very fond of writing and writings about family memories. I enjoyed the poem, but especailly the first and third Stanzas
Cyn

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

What a lovely collection of Lira! As I read, I took each independently and made some notes for you below.

[add] {delete}

Awakened by the lone chime
of a distant whistle from a railroad train.
It sings in the morning time
while dawn's dancing swirls remain
secure in my heart, like Aunt Kate's window pane.

I was having some difficulty with a few word choices so offer this alternative:

Awakened by the lone chime
of a distant whistle, daybreak’s railroad train
echoes of a cherished time
where dawn's dancing swirls remain
secure in my heart;  through Aunt Kate's windowpane.

Sun-streaked asphalt burns, torrid,
evanescing; light-gray mist dissipating.
We quickly scattered, and hid
away, anticipating
a hide and seek "hopeful first kiss," while waiting.

No suggestions sprig to mind Liz.  :)


The nurse snuck {passed} [past] the hall light
down the corridor, along the wall, inside
the maternity ward[;]{-} night
lit shadows that slip and slide. (I do not understand this line? night lit shadows that slip and slide? Should it read: night lit shadows creep, slip and slide?)
I saw my daughter[‘]s smile and heard her first sigh.   (a near rhyme, so lovely)


As rough raging crests begin[,]
{and} sea-storms surge{,} like waves against a mountain side,   (because of 12 beats)
old mem'ries emerge within
and anchor me. Each provide
those fam'ly ties that {strive above} [reach beyond] ocean's tide.


A lovely collection Liz! You can really get a glimpse of thes memories through each Lira. Your words are well crafted and convey a nicely told story of life.

Cheers!
Cleo  :ballet:

[AMETHYST]

Hey Lori,

I thank you so very much for the wonderful suggestions. I've used them and hope that the revisions make the difference I needed. Hugs to you... I still have a few further stanzas I would like to tack on to this...

Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

Thanks so much - it's always a for me when anything I offer is acceptable. :pharoah2

I've one more teensy suggestion for L2:

of a distant whistle daybreak's railroad train

Can you add a comma after 'whistle'?


~Cleo

[Siren]

Liz,

Well done on the revisions. It's always a treat to enhance what you already have. I enjoyed reading this again. :)

I introduced Lira at another site around 5 years ago. My first was titled "Searching" (at least that's the title I remember) I love seeing this form more in use so hope to catch another one from you soon..

Lovely read second time around. :)

Hugs
Dani