Memorial Daze, Sonnet from Wm. Blake snippet challenge Options

[Larry]

Memorial Daze - Revised (thanks Daniel)

An anxious hour comes just before the dawn
when stars are burning bright on Winter’s birth,
I dry my tears. To know that I am pawn
in games of death that seem to fill the earth

and I, within its deadly terrors bound,
am filled with grey despair. My prayers ascend
to distant deeps or skies where God is found
for safety in this futile task. Defend,

as hordes come down a great plain to attack
my friends and brothers standing by my side.
Each heart begins to beat… the dead now stack
by bloody footsteps in the snow. Denied,

he came in vain! In victory, we cast
their souls in cups of gold for war’s repast.





Memorial Daze

An anxious hour just before the dawn
when stars were burning bright on Winter’s birth,
I dried my tears. To know that I was pawn
in games of death that seemed to fill the earth

and I, within its deadly terrors bound,
was filled with grey despair. My prayers ascend
to distant deeps or skies where God is found
for safety in this futile task. Defend,

as hordes came down a great plain to attack
my friends and brothers standing by my side.
Each heart began to beat… the dead now stack
by bloody footsteps in the snow. Denied,

he came in vain! In victory, we cast
their souls in cups of gold for war’s repast.




Phrases used: an anxious hour, burning bright, I dried my tears, its deadly terrors, with grey despair, distant deeps or skies, down a great plain, heart began to beat, footsteps in the snow, he came in vain, in cups of gold

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Larry...

I'd just started to figure out how to use some of Blake's phrases, but I've been interrupted by a whole bunch of stuff going on. I'm still gonna try, though.

You've done a wonderful job quilting them together into a moving Memorial of your own experience, I assume in Viet Nam? Whatever the specifics, you've captured much of the feelings of what must go on in the minds of persons in the midst of armed conflict.

Your IP is consistent throughout, except for the first line, where you obviously chose to pronounce hour with two syllables, as "ow-er". Right? I guess that's okay, if you're the one reading it. The only issue that I had with the piece is your going back and forth between past and present tense. Maybe you could give that a look-see?

deLighting in your consistently creative work, Daniel

[Larry]

Hi Daniel,

I appreciate the input and the heads-up on past/present tense. Most of it is caused by using the phrases/snippets as given and I forgot that it was permissible to change things around in a critique forum. I slipped into “suthun” with “ow-ur” and gave it two syllables. That is now corrected. This is actually a paraphrased story from my dad during the Korean “conflict”/”police action”. I don’t think it snows in Viet Nam.

Check it out now that I have made a few changes and let me know if this improves the read.

Larry

[JustDaniel]

Strange that I hadn't thought about the snow in Nam, Larry! But you do have to remember that I'd never been there. Even though I'm a Viet Nam era vet, I was in college and seminary then and never put the uniform on until I was 36 and seldom read the newspaper and most of the time had no access to a TV! The Conflict was over before I emerged, sorry to say!

I still should have noticed the snow. It's just a symptom of how I can become oblivious to things around me. I learned that early in life for reasons unnecessary to discuss here.

Your revision is excellent. Your pulling it into the present pulls the reader into its midst.

deLighting in our interaction, Daniel

[Eisa]

Excellent revision, Larry and a very

Eira

[Psyche]

Great sonnet, Larry. I agree with Daniel's suggestion to write it all in present tense.

Why not? It's fitting for today's world. Nothing changes. I read that billions have been spent on new missiles that will reduce collateral damage, meaning lives...

When will it all stop?

Where to invade next?...Michael Moore.

Excellent response to the W.B. challenge.

Syl