Sweet Deceit [revised 01 Nov], from Pandora's Challenge Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Sweet Deceit

It starts with a tap, a rap at your door
then hides among breezes, just teases - no more…
shrill laughter: a quiver, I shiver to think
of spirits regaling, assailing - don’t blink!
As summer soon fades, these shades of time seize
footsteps of fright: last rite of green leaves.

It looks for a weakness, stark bleakness soon comes,
gazing through windows, it knows what becomes
of those who are frightened - enlightened it’ll be
as twilight descends: it transcends; holds the key.

O’er tombstones and markers, the darker, the night
slips into a howling - no - scowling delight.
With ghoulish intent, it torments us toward death
and nary retreats as it's far from discrete!

It hovers there beaming, screaming at your door
awaiting an invite: this night will endure
alchemies only the lonely can brew
in cauldrons of wickedness; hobgoblins’ stew.

It ends with a tap, a rap at your door -
“Trick or treat!” Sweet deceit: O nevermore!

<sub>Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

Original:
As summer soon fades, through shades of time seize
will never retreat! It is far from discrete!
awaiting an invite, this night, to explore
passageways only the lonely can brew</sub>

Reason for edit: 1st revision

[Maggie]

Hi Cleo,

And happy Halloween to you too!! I really like this one!! Gets me in the mood for the trick or treaters.

I'm definitely a novice in the realm of rhythm, but the following line lacks the pause the other lines seem to have.

"passageways only the lonely can brew"

Enjoyed!!

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Peggy,

[shadow=orange][glow=black]Happy Halloween![/glow] [/shadow]

Thanks for stopping by, glad you enjoyed this one.

I'll take a look at that line closer later on.

Have a great witching of a day!
~Cleo

[JLY]

Lori,
Very well done. I like the internal rhymes and this flows fairly smoothly.

It hovers there beaming, screaming at your door
awaiting an invite, this night, to explore or awaiting an invite, this night will endure
passageways only the lonely can brew
in cauldrons of wickedness; hobgoblins’ stew.

Passageways just doesn't strike me as being eerie enough.

I am glad you posted this as we need some Halloween themed material to get us all in the mood.

JLY

[Thoth]

Happy Halloween too.
Strangely it is not really celebrated in South Africa although there are usually a few parties and some fireworks.

Thanks for the Poem Lori, I liked the jaunty rhythm and internal rhyme. Metre strayed in a few places but not sufficient to stop the enjoyment.
Hugs, Wally

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John and Wally.

Thanks for stopping by to this haunting event!

Yes, an easy fix would be to replace passageways with corridors? I'll think on a bit and get back to this one this weekend.

Have a spooktacular halloween!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks all - hoping your All Hallow's Eve was sweet!

We had between 113 -123 kids in only 2 hours - WOW!!!! Thank goodness I bought 2 extra bags of candy (thinking we wouldn't open them) as last year we had 93, so I made up 100 treat bags.

ANywho - 1st revision now posted - thanks to Peggy, John, Wally for your feedback!

~Cleo

[Psyche]

Ooooo, this is a great one, Lori! I've enjoyed it thoroughly, even tho' we don't celebrate Halloween in Buenos Aires (we do burn straw effigies of politicians...LOL...and the local name is "Noche de Brujas", which means "Night of the Witches").

I think that with a very few tweaks you can achieve perfect flow, but it's a wonderful read just as it is, no need to change anything if not willing.

I'll be back with more time to enjoy again!

Happy Halloween weekend!

Hugs, Syl***

[Cleo_Serapis]

I feel like burning some voodoo dolls myself over here as our election is coming up in two days.

I'll mull this one over but it was for the Pandora challenge and I wasn't intending on this one to be a 'serious effort', LOL! I do hope to write something more clever as a parody, perhaps for Thanksgiving or Christmas, to "The Raven". Wish me luck!

Happy Halloweening to you too (or Witching Nights) as it were. No more spirits come knocking on our door (please)... Although, last night our bedroom door creaked shut all by itself. SPOOKTACULAR!

Have a great Sunday!
~Cleo

[Psyche]

Well, no, but you can still transform it into an excellent Halloween poem with very few tweaks. It's wonderful!

Hey, you're meant to stick pins in voodoo dolls, Lori, dunno what happens if you burn them...LOL...

Over here, if we don't burn our leaders at the stake soon (not just effigies), we'll be down shit-creak without a paddle, no joking!

Sorry about that door, Lori, how spooky! Have a calm Sunday, take a bubble bath...haha...maybe the bubbles will multiply and reach the ceiling, even slip under the door and over your best carpets!

Cheers!
Syl***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks for your confident stance, Syl!

Yeah, I know - the pins in the dolls but why not just burn the damn things, LOL!

I think we're in the same creek as you way over there in Argentina. Will we stay afloat? Time will tell...

I never thought of that! That WOULD be a good way to wash the bedroom carpet, ! Never took that soakung bath today, maybe next weekend, sounds liek a good idea (with my scented candles all around).

Hope you have a good week!
~Lori

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo,
For me, there's too much separation from form, but offset by a strong message.
Would it be bettered had you been closer to age of yore form? Only you know!
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Ron,

Thanks for stopping by! Yes, this one was just for fun for Halloween. I haven't taken "The Raven" yet seriously enough to try a parody or at least use the same parameters. A great challenge for sure, with such long lines and inner rhymes throughout.

Perhaps I'll try to tackle it for a Christmas themed poem?

Have a great day!
~Cleo

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Lori, an interesting metamorphisis from Poe's theme to your own. A great halloween piece.

It starts with a tap, a rap at your door
then hides among breezes, just teases - no more…
shrill with laughter: a quiver, I shiver to think reading this out loud My mouth wants another word in this line
of spirits regaling, assailing - don’t blink!
As summer soon fades, these shades of time seize
footsteps of fright: last rite of green leaves. This line reads like it is kind of twisted..."footsteps of fright, green leaves last rite." But that way it doesn't ryhme with 'seize above...I am not sure how to fix it...even if you want it fixed.

It looks for a weakness, stark bleakness soon comes, Use of the almost same ending as a ryhme...is there another way? 'comes, becomes'
gazing through windows, it knows what becomes
of those who are frightened - enlightened it’ll be
as twilight descends: it transcends; holds the key.

O’er tombstones and markers, the darker, the night
slips into a howling - no - scowling delight.
With ghoulish intent, it torments us toward death No ryhme here with last line throws the reader off rythem.
and nary retreats as it's far from discrete!

It hovers there beaming, screaming at your door Door,endure... a semi-ryhme
awaiting an invite: this night will endure
alchemies only the lonely can brew
in cauldrons of wickedness; hobgoblins’ hot stew. Again here I want another word...
It ends with a tap, a rap at your door -
“Trick or treat!” Sweet deceit: O nevermore!

Lori, just a look with my eyes, yours to use or lose.
Steve

[Maggie]

Hi Cleo,

I had a thought to make the stanza have four end rhymes too. I think it needs four end rhymes. Just my opinion of course.

You wrote:
O’er tombstones and markers, the darker, the night
slips into a howling - no - scowling delight.
With ghoulish intent, it torments us toward death
and nary retreats as it's far from discrete!

Perhaps:

With ghoulish intent, it prods the deceased
and nary retreats as it's far from discrete!


Or maybe:

With ghoulish intent, it torments from beneath
and nary retreats as it's far from discrete!


Or my favorite:

With ghoulish intent, it wakes the deceased
and nary retreats as it's far from discrete!



Of course you can use or lose!

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Steve and Peggy,

Thanks for your continued suggestions on the Hallows Eve rendition! I'm short on time today but will be back this weekend to reply to your comments in more detail.

Have a great day!
~Cleo