Difficulties** Revision, Sadness Options

[greenwich]

Revision

The brittle heart cries at tea time.
Charlotte is in bafflement.
She thought her smile
was suitable for most occasions.
Jimmy was the perfect gentleman.
He held her clammy hand in the rain
after finding her admonished,
something about humility,
and floating on imported air.
Thankfully she came home safely
albeit one button missing,
smelling of sandalwood
inherent with a germ
of an idea in her head;
she will never be the same.




ORIGINAL

The brittle heart cries at tea time.
Charlotte is in bafflement.
How she thought her smile
was suitable for most occasions.
Jimmy Two shoes thought
he was the perfect gentleman.
He held her clammy hand in the rain
after finding her admonished.
Thankfully she came home safely
albeit one button missing,
smelling of sandalwood
inherent with a germ
of an idea in her head;
she will never be the same.

[Luce]

Not quite sure what is going on here. Sounds like a young woman got raped or seduced by a gangster type character. The one button missing and smelling like sandalwood (used a lot in men's cologne) point to that scenario. Also, there is the smile she uses in most occasions. It infers that she uses her smile to escape from uncomfortable situations. However, it may have failed her this time.

Ahmmm. I think you mean "be" instead of "been".

Not sure if a "germ of an idea" is revenge.



Luce

The brittle heart cries at tea time.
Charlotte is in bafflement.
How she thought her smile
was suitable for most occasions.
Jimmy Two shoes thought
he was the perfect gentleman.
He held her clammy hand in the rain
after finding her admonished.
Thankfully she came home safely
albeit one button missing,
smelling of sandalwood
inherent with a germ
of an idea in her head;
she will never been the same.

[Psyche]

Hi Antony,
I love the opening line of your poem. But from then on it's a bit baffling. L3 could do without 'How', perhaps?
Jimmy Two Shoes must refer to some character I don't know. But Shoes would look better with Caps, if that's his surname. Hmmm....

By whom was she admonished? Something needs to be added here, I think. ToT.
If this 'gentleman' is the seducer and actually raped her, is not quite clear.
I like 'the germ of an idea in her head'. I suppose she's planning some sort of vengeance. She turns from a nice, smiling girl into a woman seeking vengeance? That's understandable and gives a good twist to the ending.
I'll return to see what others have understood. I may be way off track!
Syl

The brittle heart cries at tea time.
Charlotte is in bafflement.
How she thought her smile
was suitable for most occasions.
Jimmy Two shoes thought
he was the perfect gentleman.
He held her clammy hand in the rain
after finding her admonished.
Thankfully she came home safely
albeit one button missing,
smelling of sandalwood
inherent with a germ
of an idea in her head;
she will never been the same.

[greenwich]

Thank you both for the reviews. Jimmy only found Charlotte, he did not hurt her.The poem is a guessing game. I was hoping to infer some incantation was said to the subject and she never was the same again. The germ of an idea is worldliness

[Psyche]

Hi Antony,
I see you've made some good changes to your poem. Jimmy sounds OK, LOL. So the poem is a guessing game! No wonder I was baffled by it.

You've added 2 lines to show why she was admonished. I expect you've purposely made it vague. That's fine, too. Though I don't quite understand "and floating on imported air'.
Nice line all the same. If you wish to explain a little more, please do so.

So after returning with a button missing, she's become more worldly! But it's still just a germ.

Hope I've grasped your meaning now. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Good work. Bring on more, Antony!
Syl

Thank you both for the reviews. Jimmy only found Charlotte, he did not hurt her.The poem is a guessing game. I was hoping to infer some incantation was said to the subject and she never was the same again. The germ of an idea is worldliness

[Eisa]

Hi Antony - nice one! very mysterious. I never thought Jimmy was the baddie - he was being helpful. But what did happen to Charlotte? She obviously thought a smile from her would solve anything.
Your revision does help clarify to some degree, but one button missing and smelling of sandalwood.Very mysterious! I'll be back to read this again. I like it.

Eira

The brittle heart cries at tea time.
Charlotte is in bafflement.
She thought her smile
was suitable for most occasions.
Jimmy was the perfect gentleman.
He held her clammy hand in the rain
after finding her admonished,
something about humility,
and floating on imported air.
Thankfully she came home safely
albeit one button missing,
smelling of sandalwood
inherent with a germ
of an idea in her head;
she will never be the same.

[greenwich]

Imported air could as well be rarefied air. But of course Charlottes only vice was to smile for all occasions. Easy to be misunderstood there.

[RC James]

What came to my miond and stay was a feeling of delicacy, in movement and speech. Slightly mysterious but that makes it appealing too for me. RC