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[greenwich]

Toto is in total confusion.
Why hasn't he been made up
for promotion?
He continues to shop at Primark
for his imaginary wife
and still be laughed at
as a cheapstake.
Perhaps its wiser to own up,
it was his plan from early age
to be a loner;
like a cowboy in the Attic
Gosh its clicked now,
he never listened to his workmates
on the how and wherewithal to get promotion.

Now his annual holidays amount to Margate
and Morecambe Bay.
Perhaps the sombreness of the latter
will make a poet out of him yet
Still he could be that contender after all

[Eisa]

Hi Antony,

Really like this. Parts of it made me smile - but I suppose it's kinda sad too!
A few minor comments below.


Toto is in total confusion
why hasn't he been made up
for promotion.
He continues to shop at Primark
for his imaginary wife
and still be laughed at
as a cheapstake.
This made me smile - I've had a few bargains at Primark in the past
Perhaps its wiser to own up,
it was his plan from early age
to be a loner;
like a cowboy in the Attic Full stop
Gosh its clicked now,
he never listened to his workmates
on the how and wherewithal to get promotion.
I like how you started with promotion and come full circle to end stanza with promotion
how & wherewithal is perhaps a bit cliché?
Now his annual holidays amount to Margate
and Morecambe Bay.
Perhaps the sombreness of the latter
will make a poet out of him yet (that makes me smile!)
Still he could be that contender after all

Nice one, Antony
Eira

[Luce]

I like this a lot Anthony. I like the tone and the N's matter of fact semi analysis of his supposed failure in life, as compared to others. Yet, he seems to feel that all this is secondary to his real desired career - that of poet. He still has hope that he could still be a "contender". BTW, I really like "The Waterfront" movie reference. It fits.

Toto is in total confusion

Okay. I must confess I think of the Wizard of Oz with "Toto". You may want to change the name. Maybe something more common like Tom. It would add to the obscurity of the N having a very common, plain name. And it's this obscurity that he's fighting against.

why hasn't he been made up
for promotion.

Is "made up for promotion" a common British term? We would say "Why hasn't he been brought up for promotion?".

Add capital for "why" and a question mark after "promotion".

He continues to shop at Primark
for his imaginary wife
and still be laughed at
as a cheapstake.

I like these lines. It's mainly because I truly think men shop for wives like they shop for tires sometimes.

"No, she's too fat. No, she's too skinny, too high maintenance...." Correct spelling for "cheapskate".

Perhaps its wiser to own up,
it was his plan from early age
to be a loner;
like a cowboy in the Attic

Period after "up" Capital for "it". Not quite getting the "cowboy in the attic" simile. The "cowboy riding fences" image is almost an iconic image of the lonely/loner cowboy.

Gosh its clicked now,
he never listened to his workmates
on the how and wherewithal to get promotion.

Comma after Gosh. Period after "now. Capital for "he". "Promoted" (small "p") not "promotion".

Now his annual holidays amount to Margate
and Morecambe Bay.
Perhaps the sombreness of the latter
will make a poet out of him yet
Still he could be that contender after all

Last line - cut the "still". End with "He could be that contender, after all.

Really minor nits here. A nice glimpse of a struggling poet. He acknowledges that he still has to live in the real world yet he still favors and strives for recognition in a more elusive one.

Luce

[Maureen]

I like this poem Antony - I grew up in Margate so that caught my eye - my only query would be should the word have been cheapskate rather than cheapstake ? Although I did wonder if that may have been a bit of word play relating to a cheap butchers shop but then that would have been cheapsteak and do Primark sell meat? ... It's not a chain we have here in Australia so I am unfamiliar with it. Apologies in advance if I am wrong.

[Psyche]

Good one, Antony. I don't live in Britain, just been on visits. Don't remember Primark!

Not much to nit, maybe a few suggestions below.

Toto is in total confusion.
Why hasn't he been made up <<<<<called up? ToT
for promotion? . <<<<<<<A full stop crept in here. Doesn't go after question mark.
He continues to shop at Primark
for his imaginary wife
and still be laughed at
as a cheapstake.

I suggest 'and is still laughed at as a cheapskate'.

Perhaps (its) wiser to own up, <<<<<<it's
it was his plan from early age
to be a loner; <<<<<<just a comma here.
like a cowboy in the Attic <<<<<<<and full stop after Attic.
Gosh its clicked now,
he never listened to his workmates
on the how and wherewithal to get promotion.

Comma after Gosh. Not sure about cowboy in the Attic. Perhaps 'hayloft'? ToT!

Now his annual holidays amount to Margate
and Morecambe Bay.
Perhaps the sombreness of the latter
will make a poet out of him yet
Still he could be that contender after all<<<<<<Comma after Still. Full stop or ... , the latter to indicate doubt.

Good one, Antony. Enjoyed the read. Hope you return to clear up these minor points. I always think one learns from critiques, especially as we come from different countries. Do you click on Options top right corner and chose 'track this topic'? That way you get all your feedback from any place you happen to be. I apologise if you already know about this.
Cheers, Syl

[greenwich]

Thank your Syl for your help.Glad to inspire comments which clears the poem for greater clarity