Counting the Night ** Options

[greenwich]

Place the bottle of Rose down.
We've too often slipped between
the waves of red and white.
Let's have that heart to heart,
honestly wanting to know
how much of Jackie De Shannon's
song cycle
should we play in one night,
to set the lost mood back on cue.
There's something magic about waiting
for the darkness without convention.
If it dazzles the appetite
then this new arrangement
is all right by us.

[Luce]

Oh I don't know Anthony.

I'm wondering if "Counting the Bottles" would be a better title. A whole lot of drinking going on here.

Okay. We have a couple falling out of love or maybe lust with each other.

Luce

Place the bottle of Rose down.

Rose should not be capitalize. I assume you were going for the "o" altys there with bottle/of/rose/down. However, it gives me the immediate image of drunks and I don't think you really want that image. Maybe saying "Put the glass of wine " down instead.

We've too often slipped between
the waves of red and white.

Let's have that heart to heart,
honestly wanting to know
how much of Jackie De Shannon's
song cycle
should we play in one night,
to set the lost mood back on cue.

Maye a direct question instead of "honestly wanting to know/how much of Jackie De Shannon's/ song cycle should we play in one night/to set the lost mood back on cue".

It could be: Let's have that heart to heart./How many Jackie De Shannon songs/must we play/to get the mood back on cue?

There's something magic about waiting
for the darkness without convention.

Magical rather than magic. I don't quite understand these lines? What was the convention really?

If it dazzles the appetite
then this new arrangement
is all right by us.

Maybe find something else it can dazzle. The appetite doesn't work with dazzle really. It sounds as if you're trying to avoid the cliché "wets the appetite".

Maybe you mean "by me" since the N seems to be addressing the subject only.

Luce

[greenwich]

Thank you Luce helpful pointers.

[Psyche]

Hi Antony,
Love this! The title is intriguing. It drew me in.
Not much to crit, but a few comments below.

Place the bottle of Rose down. <<<<<Rosé is accented, coming from the French. It's usually with Caps, because it's actually a trademark, so that's OK.
We've too often slipped between
the waves of red and white. <<<<<<Meaning that they get merry? Perhaps to enjoy themselves and evade some hard truths.

Let's have that heart to heart,
honestly wanting to know
how much of Jackie De Shannon's
song cycle
should we play in one night,
to set the lost mood back on cue.<<<<<<I understand that love is fading between them. I like the reference to Jackie DeShannon's songs, so as to recover some of those lovely times they spent together, listening to her and being, er...romantic! It's amusing and poignant at the same time. Nice.

There's something magic about waiting
for the darkness without convention.<<<<<<Not sure about convention. I miss your meaning here, as if something were missing.

If it dazzles the appetite <<<<<Perhaps change 'appetite' or add another line to show that you mean sexual appetite. That would be great. ToT!
then this new arrangement
is all right by us.<<<<<Good ending. One of the protagonists appears to be musing on his/her own, as there's no mention that the new arrangement has been agreed upon. I link this to 'without convention' higher up. Perhaps the agreement is inferred?

A good read, Antony, even tho' you're reticent about some important details.
Tx for sharing, Syl

[Luce]

Place the bottle of Rose down. <<<<<Rosé is accented, coming from the French. It's usually with Caps, because it's actually a trademark, so that's OK.

Not so Syl. If the word is used generically then it isn't capitalized. If you're mentioning a specific region known for its roses with the word, then yes it is capitalized. However, there does seem to be a debate as to whether or not types of wines should be capitalized, mainly in the wine drinking world. Yet, when I look at my Cambridge and Webster dictionaries for rose, both have the word not capitalized in their explanations.

BTW, I didn't mention the accent mark because I wasn't fond of using the word anyway and suggested something else.

Also, his PC, like mine, doesn't seem to automatically add accent marks for certain words. For example, it will add the accent mark for cliché but not rose. It probably doesn't for rose because, in English, the word has many meanings. Of course, if Anthony really wanted to stick with the word rose, he should try to find out how to put the accent mark.

I don't want to hijack Anthony's thread here but I just wanted to clarify that point.

Luce

Syl

[greenwich]

Without convention means the proposal of listening to a specific singer to rekindle lost romance. It's highly improbable if the romance is non existent. Got it instead of dazzles, we could have excites the appetite.