Erotica in Tangiers** Revision*, ...in a trance Options

[Psyche]

REVISION

Erotica in Tangiers

Wandering through labyrinths of the Grand Market,
I round a stall with baskets of figs and dates.
In the shade of its gently flapping canvas,
a reptile sways its ringed length
to rhythms of a charmer’s flute.
Gems from some fantastic land adorn his turban,
yet he’s one more desert nomad
lured to this bustle for a handful of foreign coins.

Ophidian light envelops the scene
as I slip into a trance.

Ensnared by the oneness of man and serpent,
I’m a butterfly poised on its slick skin.
Titillation, fine flutter of wings, up, down, up down,
on the belly of this enchanted reptile.

Evocative strains of the instrument
and the man’s fathomless eyes enhance my interlude.
Up down, up down, caress of translucent wings,
explosion of stars over a distant oasis.

The serpent shimmers in languid stillness
while the butterfly sips its nectar.
Then, folding its wings in transient farewell,
fragility eternalized in orgasmic fusion,
the butterfly falls to the ground.

Awareness returns.

Swarms of peddlers hawk their wares.
The nomad sits cross-legged on a hand-woven mat,
counting his meager gains with fingers
grown patient on rippled, windswept dunes.

I purchase a string of beads.
Swallowed by crowds of tourists,
I roam pedestrian lanes.


Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentina. 2016.




ORIGINAL


Erotica in Tangiers

Wandering through labyrinths of the Grand Market,
I round a stall with baskets of figs and dates.
In the shade of its gently flapping canvas,
a reptile sways its ringed length
to rhythms of a charmer’s flute.
Gems from some fantastic land adorn his turban.
Yet he’s one more desert nomad
lured to this bustle for a handful of foreign coins.

Ophidian light envelops the scene.

Ensnared by the oneness of man and serpent,
in my trance I’m a butterfly poised
on its lubricious skin.
Titillation, fine flutter of wings, up, down, up down,
the belly of this enchanted reptile.

Evocative strains of the instrument
and the man’s fathomless eyes enhance my interlude.
Up down, up down, caress of translucent wings,
explosion of stars over a distant oasis.

The serpent glows in languid stillness
while the butterfly sips its nectar.
Then, folding its wings in transient farewell,
-fragility eternalized in orgasmic fusion-
the butterfly shrinks to the ground.

Awareness returns.

Swarms of peddlers hawk their wares.
The nomad sits cross-legged on a hand-woven mat,
counting his meager gains with fingers
grown patient on rippled, windswept dunes.

I purchase a string of beads.
Swallowed by crowds of tourists,
I roam pedestrian lanes.


Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentina. 2016.

[Larry]

Hi Syl,

You seem to keep drawing me to Seren's with your very interesting posts. This being no exception in that respect. I do have a few questions and possible suggestions you may consider. Before that, congratulations on your winning the MMHC Holiday Classic. I have started working on a sonnet inspired by your story - still in early formative stage though.

Suggestions and questions:

S1/L6 - comma after "turban" It is also unclear as to whether the charmer or the snake is the one wearing it.

S2 - "Ophidian light" - Didn't know there was a light belonging to or related to snakes.

S3/L3 - "Lubricious skin" - Are you insinuating that the snake's skin is lewd, obscene, or intended to be sexually exciting or just slippery and oily? If the latter, you might add "seemingly" before "lubricious".

S5/L1 - "The serpent glows in languid stillness " You have already intimated above that the serpent is swaying with the music of the flute. Not crazy about "glows" either. Perhaps substitute "The serpent shimmers in languid undulations" for "stillness".

S5/L5 - "the butterfly shrinks to the ground." I don't feel that "shrinks" really fits as to what happens when a butterfly folds its wings and falls; perhaps "plummets" or "pirouettes" might be more descriptive.

A very interesting trip to the market with a little hypnosis thrown in for good measure.

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Syl,

You are bringing us some interesting poems recently! Your title drew me in to this one, but the poem was not what I expected - but fascinating nonetheless.

Erotica in Tangiers

Wandering through labyrinths of the Grand Market,
I round a stall with baskets of figs and dates.
In the shade of its gently flapping canvas,
a reptile sways its ringed length
to rhythms of a charmer’s flute.
Gems from some fantastic land adorn his turban.
Yet he’s one more desert nomad
lured to this bustle for a handful of foreign coins.

I love the first line here - labyrinths is a good word choice.
Well you might know I'm hooked now knowing its a snake. I wish I could charm mine. LOL!

Ophidian light envelops the scene.

I love the word ophidian, but I'm not sure that snakes reflect light

Ensnared by the oneness of man and serpent,
in my trance I’m a butterfly poised
on its lubricious skin.
Titillation, fine flutter of wings, up, down, up down,
the belly of this enchanted reptile.

should this be 'on' the belly of the reptile?

Evocative strains of the instrument
and the man’s fathomless eyes enhance my interlude.
Up down, up down, caress of translucent wings,
explosion of stars over a distant oasis.

The serpent glows in languid stillness
while the butterfly sips its nectar.
Then, folding its wings in transient farewell,
-fragility eternalized in orgasmic fusion-
the butterfly shrinks to the ground.

I like Larry's suggestion of shimmers instead of glows
no need for the - dash before fragility

Awareness returns.

Swarms of peddlers hawk their wares.
The nomad sits cross-legged on a hand-woven mat,
counting his meager gains with fingers
grown patient on rippled, windswept dunes.

I purchase a string of beads.
Swallowed by crowds of tourists,
I roam pedestrian lanes.

A really fascinating read, Syl. I like swallowed by crowds as a description. No big nits. I woder if I'd get a reaction if I played a flute to my snakes. LOL!

Hugs
Eira

[Psyche]

Hi Larry,

Your help is highly appreciated. I apologize for taking so long to answer. Stuff cropped up. Glad you find my posts interesting! I really was in Tangiers, ages ago, and saw the snake-charmer. He fascinated me, but not to the extent expressed in my poem...LOL. If he did, I ain't telling.
It was a lovely surprise to win the Holiday Classic. And I can't wait to see the sonnet inspired by it! That's a real honour...wow.
I'll see your comments lower down.

Hi Syl,

You seem to keep drawing me to Seren's with your very interesting posts. This being no exception in that respect. I do have a few questions and possible suggestions you may consider. Before that, congratulations on your winning the MMHC Holiday Classic. I have started working on a sonnet inspired by your story - still in early formative stage though.

Suggestions and questions:

S1/L6 - comma after "turban" It is also unclear as to whether the charmer or the snake is the one wearing it.<<<<OK, will check that.

S2 - "Ophidian light" - Didn't know there was a light belonging to or related to snakes.

I don't suppose there is, but anything can happen in a trance. The midday glare and heat was terrible. Should have been back in the hotel having a siesta...perhaps it was mild sunstroke!

S3/L3 - "Lubricious skin" - Are you insinuating that the snake's skin is lewd, obscene, or intended to be sexually exciting or just slippery and oily? If the latter, you might add "seemingly" before "lubricious".
Sexually exciting, I'm afraid. Even Eve's original sin was due to the snake seducing her!
We know what happened next, with Adam...LOL. But I'll think it over, tx!

S5/L1 - "The serpent glows in languid stillness " You have already intimated above that the serpent is swaying with the music of the flute. Not crazy about "glows" either. Perhaps substitute "The serpent shimmers in languid undulations" for "stillness".

I was trying to intimate that the serpent wasn't swaying anymore. It's part of the dream-like vision the person had, which is drawing to its logical end. End of movements...LOL...I like shimmers, will use it.


S5/L5 - "the butterfly shrinks to the ground." I don't feel that "shrinks" really fits as to what happens when a butterfly folds its wings and falls; perhaps "plummets" or "pirouettes" might be more descriptive.

Yep, I had trouble there. Maybe flutters? Too many f's... Butterflies have a very short life and this one is meant to be dying, so pirouettes won't do (lovely word).


A very interesting trip to the market with a little hypnosis thrown in for good measure.

Haha!! I wish I could return, but the world's not a safe place now. One can even catch bugs like the Zika virus. I also visited the Grand Bazar in Istanbul. Those were the days!!


Larry

[Psyche]

Hi Eisa,
Thanks so much for making suggestions. As usual, it's my bedtime now. Some of your comments are similar to Larry's. I've checked them all out and will post my revision asap.

Hope your snakes are doing well. And yes, why not try playing the flute to them!! Tell us what happened, of course...LOL.

Hugs, Syl

Hi Syl,

You are bringing us some interesting poems recently! Your title drew me in to this one, but the poem was not what I expected - but fascinating nonetheless.

Erotica in Tangiers

Wandering through labyrinths of the Grand Market,
I round a stall with baskets of figs and dates.
In the shade of its gently flapping canvas,
a reptile sways its ringed length
to rhythms of a charmer’s flute.
Gems from some fantastic land adorn his turban.
Yet he’s one more desert nomad
lured to this bustle for a handful of foreign coins.

I love the first line here - labyrinths is a good word choice.
Well you might know I'm hooked now knowing its a snake. I wish I could charm mine. LOL!

Ophidian light envelops the scene.

I love the word ophidian, but I'm not sure that snakes reflect light

Ensnared by the oneness of man and serpent,
in my trance I’m a butterfly poised
on its lubricious skin.
Titillation, fine flutter of wings, up, down, up down,
the belly of this enchanted reptile.

should this be 'on' the belly of the reptile?

Evocative strains of the instrument
and the man’s fathomless eyes enhance my interlude.
Up down, up down, caress of translucent wings,
explosion of stars over a distant oasis.

The serpent glows in languid stillness
while the butterfly sips its nectar.
Then, folding its wings in transient farewell,
-fragility eternalized in orgasmic fusion-
the butterfly shrinks to the ground.

I like Larry's suggestion of shimmers instead of glows
no need for the - dash before fragility

Awareness returns.

Swarms of peddlers hawk their wares.
The nomad sits cross-legged on a hand-woven mat,
counting his meager gains with fingers
grown patient on rippled, windswept dunes.

I purchase a string of beads.
Swallowed by crowds of tourists,
I roam pedestrian lanes.

A really fascinating read, Syl. I like swallowed by crowds as a description. No big nits. I woder if I'd get a reaction if I played a flute to my snakes. LOL!

Hugs
Eira

[Heather]

What I absolutely loved about this poem is that you captured the bustle and confusion of the scene in the first stanza, and then you slow it down and pull the reader into your trance, and then speed it up again once the trance is broken. I think that's quite a feat right there.
I didn't actually have any problem with the way you somewhat pushed reality aside in your descriptions during the trance, as I was interpreting it more as a feeling, but I can see you've been given good advice to tighten things up.
Just wanted to add my take on it,
Heather

[Psyche]

Thank you, Heather, for your encouraging comments.
That's what I was trying to do, so I'm glad you appreciate my efforts!

Yep, I pushed reality aside...LOL.

I'm going to post a revision, taking into account Larry and Eisa's advice...or most of it! I find that when I tweak my work, I have this bad habit of imagining new scenarios...but always inspired by the help I receive.

Tx a lot, Syl

What I absolutely loved about this poem is that you captured the bustle and confusion of the scene in the first stanza, and then you slow it down and pull the reader into your trance, and then speed it up again once the trance is broken. I think that's quite a feat right there.
I didn't actually have any problem with the way you somewhat pushed reality aside in your descriptions during the trance, as I was interpreting it more as a feeling, but I can see you've been given good advice to tighten things up.
Just wanted to add my take on it,
Heather

[Maureen]

I don't think I could anything worthwhile to the discussions here other than to say that I loved your poem Syl and the word picture you created was in my head as clearly as if I walked alongside you...magical - really magical.

A beautiful write that I have read over and over. Thank you for sharing it.

Cheers

Maureen

[Critter]

The pace and development is well done here as is the imagery. Only suggestion I have concerns;
"Ensnared by the oneness of man and serpent,
in my trance..."
"Ensnared" and "trance" overlap in meaning so maybe rework that...?

[Psyche]

Hi Heather,
Came back for two reasons.
The first is that, after checking it out, I found that I'd remembered correctly that you also write in Spanish. That's in the Welcome forum. I posted another remark there, but I don't think you noticed it, not likely.
I think I dashed your hopes of including some Spanish in your poems, and later I thought it over and it's been bothering me ever since!
I really like the idea of a bit of Spanish, or a mix of English and Spanish. I bet you're very good at that!
You can add footnotes to explain any words that might confuse your readers. I might try it myself, though I've not done it yet. ToT!!

Below is a link to an old song called You Belong to Me, on this occasion by Dean Martin!! One of the lines is "...see the Market Place in old Algiers". Well, as I'd travelled to Tangiers when I was very young, I thought up this poem, only changed the town! I really saw the snake-charmer in the Market Place.
Just sayin'...LOL.
Syl


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYd_8I44YL8

What I absolutely loved about this poem is that you captured the bustle and confusion of the scene in the first stanza, and then you slow it down and pull the reader into your trance, and then speed it up again once the trance is broken. I think that's quite a feat right there.
I didn't actually have any problem with the way you somewhat pushed reality aside in your descriptions during the trance, as I was interpreting it more as a feeling, but I can see you've been given good advice to tighten things up.
Just wanted to add my take on it,
Heather

[Psyche]

Hi Critter,
You've got a good point there, thanks a lot.
I never seem to have time to post my revision, but I'll see how it can be reworked asap.
Syl

The pace and development is well done here as is the imagery. Only suggestion I have concerns;
"Ensnared by the oneness of man and serpent,
in my trance..."
"Ensnared" and "trance" overlap in meaning so maybe rework that...?

[Psyche]

Hi Maureen,
So glad you enjoyed my poem. Wouldn't it be fun if we could really visit those Market Places again. The Grand Bazar in Istanbul is enormous and full of lovely things to buy...wow.
But as I said somewhere, it's not so safe nowadays to travel thataway!! I remember the hitch-hiking days, staying in small inns or family B&B's. I expect you can still do that in Australia.
Happy to know you caught the magic I was trying to express.
Cheers, Syl

I don't think I could anything worthwhile to the discussions here other than to say that I loved your poem Syl and the word picture you created was in my head as clearly as if I walked alongside you...magical - really magical.

A beautiful write that I have read over and over. Thank you for sharing it.

Cheers

Maureen

[Psyche]

I forgot to thank Eisa, Larry, Heather, Maureen and Critter for helping me out with this poem. I believe I've used all of your advice.

As always, the revision still carries a *

Cheers, Syl