Marked Men***(revised) Options

[RC James]

Through my fingers, as I kneel
to splash my face in the creek,
figures in stripes bend in labor
over rake and hoe in the field.

Unrelenting furrows confirm the ache
of forever in the inmates’ minds.
Indelible black stripes slash
white shirts and pants disarranging hope,
crossing out any advent of aid or mercy.

In files at sundown, they are spent,
rigid, mostly black, their lives abraded
by the uniform stripes as surely
as the creek erodes the stones beneath.




(original)

From the distance of the creek
the figures rise like tiny zebras;
they stand on hind legs and move
their front legs in lethargic rhythm.

Unrelenting, the furrows explore distance,
like the ache of a confirmed forever
that lacerates the minds of the inmates here,
hoes in hand, white caps, shirts and pants
slashed hard with indelible black stripes
that disarrange hope. Marked so, the sky
won't send down, soon, any aid or mercy.

They stand in files at sundown, they are spent,
rigid under the threat of the captain’s whip.
They are mostly black, and the uniform stripes
abrade their lives as surely as the currents
of this creek erode the stones beneath.

[Luce]

Brief glimpse of a prison crew at work. I've seen them in their black/white striped uniforms clearing rubbish along intersections and major suburban streets.

My encounters are surprisingly ordinary. There's no menacing guard with mirrored glasses, rifle and/or whip at the ready on horseback.

There's just an armed guard by the van, his arms folded, watching the prisoners as they work. There're no leg irons. When I pass by them, usually the guard and some prisoners smile and wish me good morning.

From the distance of the creek
the figures rise like tiny zebras;
they stand on hind legs and move
their front legs in lethargic rhythm.

I get the comparison of the zebras because of the black/white striped prison uniforms. But, the hind legs/front leg lines don't really work for me. It could be because I don't know what the prisoners are doing by the creek. If what they're doing makes them get on all fours, then that needs to be a little clearer for the reader to make a clear connection between the zebras rising and the prisoners rising on their feet.

Unrelenting, the furrows explore distance,
like the ache of a confirmed forever
that lacerates the minds of the inmates here,
hoes in hand, white caps, shirts and pants
slashed hard with indelible black stripes
that disarrange hope. Marked so, the sky
won't send down, soon, any aid or mercy.

It reads like a journalist describing a chain gang. I think you need to say something more, something deeper in a poetic way. Right now it just sounds prosey. However, I do like the phrase "disarrange hope".

They stand in files at sundown, they are spent,
rigid under the threat of the captain’s whip.
They are mostly black, and the uniform stripes
abrade their lives as surely as the currents
of this creek erode the stones beneath.
Luc
"Threat of the captain's whip" is a bit cliché. Not that it hasn't happened but we've heard the phrase too often in movies, TV, etc. Maybe the Warden's or guard's displeasure instead. It's a more subtle reference to physical punishment.

Unfortunately this stanza too sounds more like prose than poetry. With a little editing, it can sound like poetry. For example:

They stand in files at sundown spent.
Rigid, under constant threat of the whip. Their
prison stripes abrade their lives
like the currents of the creek that erode
the stones beneath.

Luce

[RC James]

luce - The narrator is at the creek, in the distance, in the field, he sees the men as if zebras standing on their hind legs, front legs in the air. Also, I plead - narrative poetry. R

[Luce]

luce - The narrator is at the creek, in the distance, in the field, he sees the men as if zebras standing on their hind legs, front legs in the air.

What movement makes you think of zebras besides the color? What movement are the prisoners doing that makes them bend and then stand up? IMHO, you need to flesh it out to make the comparison stronger.

Also, I plead - narrative poetry. R

But Richard, a narrative poem is STILL a poem that unfolds a story. Of course it doesn't have to rhyme but it should have some basic poetry elements so it isn't confused with prose.

Luce

[RC James]

Luce I did some work on this, deleting zebras and some other things. R

[Luce]

Luce I did some work on this, deleting zebras and some other things. R

WOW!!!! What a difference. It sounds so much better. It's more concise. I especially like how you reveal (as oppose to telling) that these men are prisoners.

But, in the end, you have to be pleased with the end product.

I hope you get more crits on this one. It would be a shame for this poem to go down the line without additional feedback from others.


Luce

[Psyche]

Hi Richard,

Here I am, fascinated by your poem(s). Can't decide whether I like your rev. or your original best.

The original can do with a few tweaks to make it more concise, but your revision is so entirely different. I'm not opposed to narrative poetry at all. Your original has a lot more fine imagery, beginning with the zebras. Great comparison, poor men.

Do you mind if I return to have another read? It's 2 a.m. and I'm getting dimmer and dimmer.

Perhaps the events in your poem are of past times. The whipping and all that...

In my country prisoners don't wear striped garments, but I know they do (or did?) in the U.S.

Syl***

[RC James]

Syl - I'm going to give this one a rest for awhile. See what looks good after a spell, maybe a mix of original and new. Thanks for your input, R

[Eisa]

Syl - I'm going to give this one a rest for awhile. See what looks good after a spell, maybe a mix of original and new. Thanks for your input, R

Hi Richard,

It is often a good idea to put a poem to rest awhile to gather ideas, but I thought I'd add my thoughts which might help. There is much to like in your original although it does need a tweak. Perhaps a mix between 2 versions might be a good idea.

From the distance of the creek
the figures rise like tiny zebras;
they stand on hind legs and move
their front legs in lethargic rhythm.

I love the comparison of the figures to zebras n this stanza - very original idea. Be careful not to prune too much as you might loose some interesting details (I've done it!)

Great narrative poem.
Eira