Why Mom stopped playing the guitar***Second Revision Options

[Heather]

Why Mom stopped playing the guitar

arpeggio:
a broken chord, usually played evenly low to high and back again

and the rainbow poncho hums quietly
in the hall closet

we might blame the eighties
with its harsh shoulders and piercing beats
when she cut her uncivilized hair to a manageable bob

or it might have been menopause
if I could do the math
with all those long cool showers and
fingers too plump to pluck

if it were because her ducklings
had started to swim away
I could bathe in the warm guilt
flattering myself for having
such a tidal pull

but more likely she merely tired
of all that singing in rounds

and now

as my years begin to puddle at my feet
I finally think to listen for her harmonies
when it's she who is drifting off

rocking gently
singing Kumbayah







1st revision:
Why Mom stopped playing the guitar


the rainbow poncho hums quietly
in the hall closet

we might blame the eighties
with its harsh shoulders and piercing beats
when she cut her uncivilized hair to a manageable bob

or it might have been menopause
if I could do the math
with all those long cool showers and
fingers too plump to pluck

if it were because her ducklings
had started to swim away
I could bathe in the warm guilt
flattering myself for having
such a tidal pull

but more likely she merely tired
of all that singing in rounds

and now

as my years begin to puddle at my feet
I finally think to piece together
the ABCs of her
when it's she who is floating off

rocking gently
singing Kumbayah



Original:
Why Mom stopped playing the guitar



and the rainbow poncho hums quietly
in the hall closet

we might blame the eighties
with its harsh shoulders and piercing beats
when she cut her uncivilized hair to a manageable bob

or it might have been menopause
if I could do the math
with all those long cool showers and
fingers too plump to pluck

if it were because her ducklings
had started to swim away
I could bathe in the warm guilt
that center of the universe fire

but more likely she merely tired
of all that singing in rounds

and now

as my years begin to puddle at my feet
I finally think to ask the ABCs of her
when it's she who is swimming off

rocking gently
singing Kumbayah





.

[RC James]

As a guitar player I appreciate all the phases and connections, leading up to the poignant and telling ending. Only nit is the "and" at the begining I don't think it's needed. RC

[Psyche]

Hi Heather, and welcome to MM! (I don't believe we've met till now).

Lovely poem. You've got plenty of striking images along the way. I also like the progression of your piece. Nostalgic. Reflective.

I believe I have only one or two suggestions...if that.

I've posted a link to the gospel song Kumbayah, in case other people are interested. I always delve into novel words or titles that I've not heard of.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erTWd357u8o

Why Mom stopped playing the guitar



and the rainbow poncho hums quietly <<<<<I don't think 'and' is needed, unless you want L1 to be a continuation of the title.


in the hall closet

Good S, especially L1.


we might blame the eighties
with its harsh shoulders and piercing beats
when she cut her uncivilized hair to a manageable bob <<<<<Great!

or it might have been menopause
if I could do the math
with all those long cool showers and
fingers too plump to pluck <<<<the guitar strings? N's Mom got plump at menopause, OK, good one!


if it were because her ducklings
had started to swim away
I could bathe in the warm guilt
that center of the universe fire <<<<<I don't understand L4. Sorry, just me! Makes me think of a sinner going to hell...

but more likely she merely tired
of all that singing in rounds

and now

as my years begin to puddle at my feet <<<<<<Love this!
I finally think to ask the ABCs of her
when it's she who is swimming off

L2 and 3 don't seem to flow as well as all the rest does.
Perhaps:

I finally remember to question her ABCs
now that she's swimming off <<<<<ToT, just a suggestion.


rocking gently
singing Kumbayah

Wonderful finale, now that I know that Kumbayah is a gospel song, meaning 'take my hand, precious Lord'.

Heather, so glad you've posted at MM. Remember, all our nits are of the ToT kind.

BTW, in these forums -workshops- poets put *, ** or *** after the title, according to the level of critiquing they're seeking.
Members are entitled to crit even if you forget to put the *** ...LOL.

Psyche aka Sylvia


.

[Heather]

RC- I'm thinking about removing the 'and' even though I did want it to read as a continuation of the title... But I've gotten two strikes against it, so I'm giving it some thought. Thanks for the read!

Silvia- you were SO helpful! I'm going to rethink the lines you've pointed out- I thought I might have lost the way a bit there... :)
I actually didn't know what the *** meant on other people's posts! I'm a *** kinda gal myself!
Thanks again for the help-
Heather

[Eisa]

Hello Heather,

How good it is to see you posting here! This is a lovely poem and there's very little to comment on.

Why Mom stopped playing the guitar


[and] the rainbow poncho hums quietly
in the hall closet

I feel the 'and' is not needed here

we might blame the eighties
with its harsh shoulders and piercing beats
when she cut her uncivilized hair to a manageable bob

Nice descriptions

or it might have been menopause
if I could do the math
with all those long cool showers and
fingers too plump to pluck

I get that!

if it were because her ducklings
had started to swim away
I could bathe in the warm guilt
that center of the universe fire

I like the idea of her ducklings starting to swim away and kind of understand the last line - but like Syl, feel it could be misunderstood. Perhaps a rethink?

but more likely she merely tired
of all that singing in rounds

and now

as my years begin to puddle at my feet
I finally think to ask the ABCs of her
when it's she who is swimming off

I like Syl's suggestion for these lines - much clearer

rocking gently
singing Kumbayah

I love Kumbayah! - used to sing it a lot when I was young.

Lovely poem ad so ice to see you here.

Eira

[Psyche]

I'm back, Heather!

Hey, it's your poem. If L1 is the continuation of the title, our 'strikes' mean nothing.
Some poets put an ellipsis at the end of the title, just to differentiate it from the body of the piece.
You could put L1 a wee bit higher up in that case. Just sayin'...

Keep the two versions in your files. I have several versions of some of my poems.

Glad to be helpful, Heather. I also put *** , always unsure of my work. I see Eisa has said more or less the same things, with the advantage that she also sang Kumbayah!

Do come back and post more poems, I love this one. First you're meant to comment on at least two poems, no big deal. Some poets only write a couple of lines. Others like to do genuine workshopping. I love to learn, especially in R&R.

Syl

RC- I'm thinking about removing the 'and' even though I did want it to read as a continuation of the title... But I've gotten two strikes against it, so I'm giving it some thought. Thanks for the read!

Silvia- you were SO helpful! I'm going to rethink the lines you've pointed out- I thought I might have lost the way a bit there... :)
I actually didn't know what the *** meant on other people's posts! I'm a *** kinda gal myself!
Thanks again for the help-
Heather

[Luce]

I like this portrayal of an "empty nester" reinventing herself and a loved one puzzled about the change. I do have some comments/suggestions below. TOT:

Why Mom stopped playing the guitar

Not crazy about the title. The title initially sets the tone of the poem. This one infers that it may be a comedic piece but it really isn't.

and the rainbow poncho hums quietly
in the hall closet

L1- I agree with others about losing the "and". Not crazy about the poncho humming. Sounds very Disney. I do like how you're using clothing to indicate her age and the era. Just having the poncho in the hall closet indicates possible lack of use. You may want to flesh it out more but not by a lot.

we might blame the eighties
with its harsh shoulders and piercing beats
when she cut her uncivilized hair to a manageable bob

L3-L4 -Why blame the 80's? I would point out the positive aspects of the 80"s. The 80's was the decade of the strong woman. Think Joan Collins in Dynasty. The padded shoulder was apart of that feeling of empowerment.
L5 - I would make the hairdos specific to the "hippie era" and "80's. The hippie era mainly saw long straight hair parted in the middle. For an older woman it would probably look like long straight parted hair with big streaks of gray. The 80's introduced "Big Hair", permed dos, bangs, etc. Think Joan Collins again or Dolly Parton.

or it might have been menopause
if I could do the math
with all those long cool showers and

L6-L7 - I wish you could pick a deeper reason than "menopause" to explain the change. It's overused. Dig deeper.

fingers too plump to pluck

L8- This seems deeper. The reason is more internal less superficial.

if it were because her ducklings
had started to swim away
I could bathe in the warm guilt
that center of the universe fire

L9-L12 - Don't quite understand the guilt part but the rest is cool.

but more likely she merely tired
of all that singing in rounds

L13-L14 - Don't understand the "singing in rounds" as the reason for the change.

and now

as my years begin to puddle at my feet

L16 - Like this imagery. It's a little sad though. The N acknowledges that she/he is getting older, like the subject, but she/he still doesn't quite understand nor sympathize with the woman's transformation.

I finally think to ask the ABCs of her
when it's she who is swimming off

L17-L18 - Like these lines a lot. It rings true. Very few people really know their loved ones (especially parents) as individuals.


rocking gently
singing Kumbayah

L19-L20 - These lines don't ring true and can be seen as the N mocking the subject trying to change. The subject is trying to move forward and not live in the past.

[Heather]

Eira- thanks so much for the help- I made some changes, but I'm having trouble letting go- I'm a bit rusty at writing and even more so at revision....

Sylvia- That was so kind of you to come back and offer more guidance. I really appreciate it... I'm working on it...

Luce- Thank you so much for your comments! One of the things I love about poetry is hearing different interpretations. I don't like trying to 'explain' a poem post facto, but basically I either enjoy someone else's take on what I've written, or accept the fact that I didn't get my message across correctly. I've tried to tweak this one in the hopes of it becoming clearer,(I really meant something quite different) but like I said above I'm having a hard time letting go of some of this, so I'm not very sure this first revision has solved much of anything... But your comments were very helpful.

[Critter]

Just a few quick comments Heather as the previous comments covered most things I see. I like the liberal use use of personification, metaphor, and symbolism. One thing about poetry is that one particular thing can trigger a mental trip for a reader. The poncho did that for me, not a rainbow one but one from Bolivia that a friend gave me years ago. He did not wear it anymore but didn't want to just get rid of it because it was pretty nice as ponchos go. He gave it to me (only if I wanted it) because I was the only person he thought was cool enough to wear it. haha...perhaps I'll write a poem about that...but you have to keep that one in your poem although the 'humming' might not be clear to everyone.

Only other thing is ABCs which I am not sure of ...cliché? the other thought was that it referenced music and I had the thought of using a chord set like DGAs eg.

Anyway this was good in many ways.

[Luce]

Hey Heather,

I always like to come back to see revisions. In yours I see you nixed the "and". I really don't see any other major changes.

However, as you've said, you have a lot to possibly let go so I don't expect a quick revision.

At least this is a start.

Luce

[Heather]

Critter! Thank you so much for the help- I think you pushed me in the right direction, or at least your comments led me to something that I found deeply satisfying.... so thank you... I hope you like the changes...

[greenwich]

Beautiful poem. Very personal and universal at the same time. Finishing wonderfully "singing Kumbayah", a nolgastic fanfare. Remember this is your poem . don't allow it to be altered unnecessarily

[Eisa]

Eira- thanks so much for the help- I made some changes, but I'm having trouble letting go- I'm a bit rusty at writing and even more so at revision....

Take your time, Heather and always remember anything you change can always be changed back if you change your mind.

I like your inclusion of musical terms in your revision, but I'm not sure they need to be I bold - perhaps italics

I think you have a spelling - shouldn't it be decrescendo?

Eira

[Psyche]

Hi Heather,

I like your revision very much. You've changed quite a few bits.

When I do my revs., I get inspired by people's interpretations...then tweak lines at will! I see you've done some of that too.

It's looking lovely now. A highly original poem. And it's all yours.

BTW, I saw Critter's remark on the Bolivian poncho. We have all sorts of different ponchos in Argentina. Some are beautiful and others are too rustic and heavy. I didn't want to go off on a tangent before, just sayin'...

Hope you post more soon,
Syl***

[Heather]

Eira, somehow I missed your post, kinda like I missed the typo. I was thinking about your suggestion about the bold print- I like it for the definition, but it seemed awkward at the end, and I think it seems that at to me because I was secretly worried that adding 'decrescendo' was overkill, and detracted from hat as originally the ending, so I removed it.

Sylvia, I'm so happy the poncho spoke to you. And thank you for the feedback.


I will add that I hadn't written a poem in maybe a year, maybe forever, I don't know. But I was skyping my mom, who has Alzheimer's, and for the first time she said, 'whoever you are'. This was my way of dealing with it, so I appreciate all the kindnesses I've received. :)

[Psyche]

Hello again, Heather,

I just saw your remark about your Mom having Alzheimer's. So sorry about that, especially when one's loved one begins to forget who you are.

Writing poems is a good way to deal with the situation. I wrote quite a lot of poems during my husband's 15 years of dementia, sort of recording the process in poetry.

He had Atherosclerosis, which is rather different.
He recognized me right up to the end, when he was bedridden and couldn't even talk. The swift gleam in his eye told me so. He loved the soft desserts I gave him.
He passed slightly over a year ago. I can't get over the void he left me, although it was the best for him.

It was a tough time, so long. My best wishes from the heart go out to you, dear friend.
Syl

Eira, somehow I missed your post, kinda like I missed the typo. I was thinking about your suggestion about the bold print- I like it for the definition, but it seemed awkward at the end, and I think it seems that at to me because I was secretly worried that adding 'decrescendo' was overkill, and detracted from hat as originally the ending, so I removed it.

Sylvia, I'm so happy the poncho spoke to you. And thank you for the feedback.


I will add that I hadn't written a poem in maybe a year, maybe forever, I don't know. But I was skyping my mom, who has Alzheimer's, and for the first time she said, 'whoever you are'. This was my way of dealing with it, so I appreciate all the kindnesses I've received. :)

[Eisa]

Eira, somehow I missed your post, kinda like I missed the typo. I was thinking about your suggestion about the bold print- I like it for the definition, but it seemed awkward at the end, and I think it seems that at to me because I was secretly worried that adding 'decrescendo' was overkill, and detracted from hat as originally the ending, so I removed it.

I liked the 'decrescendo' to start, but on reading your latest revision I think it does read much better without.

I will add that I hadn't written a poem in maybe a year, maybe forever, I don't know. But I was skyping my mom, who has Alzheimer's, and for the first time she said, 'whoever you are'. This was my way of dealing with it, so I appreciate all the kindnesses I've received. :)

I have great gaps in writing, Heather, so you're not alone. My mother had Alzheimer's too so I appreciate what you are coping with. They're not really the same person any more. I'm glad you wrote this and I read it again with new eyes. I started writing just before my mother developed Alzheimer's and writing about her became therapeutic.
Hope to see you again soon. Take care.
Eira