Fascination ***, (revision) Options

[Eisa]

Fascination (revision)

Quirky creature, haunted by
prehistoric beasts; your freckled
yellow camouflage reflects a leopard.

Wide-eyed, you peer through a leafy haven,
observing every movement; your broad
mouth appears to beam - a false welcome.

Temptation is food that wriggles
on my palm; breath quickening
you skitter to a dark corner.

Tirelessly, I endeavour to befriend you
until one day you clamber on my hand,
respiration slow and even.

Daily food and water nurtures kinship,
eventually you creep up my arm
to perch on my shoulder.

Today I catch my breath
in shadows where the sun is dim
like your unlit den.

------------------------------------------
Fascination (original)

Quirky creature, haunted by prehistory;
your freckled yellow camouflage
imitates a leopard’s look.

Wide-eyed, you peer through a leafy
haven, observing every movement,
seeming to smile - a false welcome.

Temptation is food, wriggling
on my palm, but breath quickening
you skitter to dark safety.

Tirelessly, I try to win you
until one day you clamber on my hand,
respiration slow and even.

Daily routine nurtures kinship
and soon you creep up my arm
to perch on my shoulder.

Today I catch my breath
in shadows where the sun is dim
like your unlit den

I found this one in the archives after one of my geckos died recently. It was written about his great-great grandfather. I've experimented and rewritten it in 3 line stanzas which seems popular with some at he moment.

[Psyche]

Dropping in to say I've read your poem. Too late to concentrate, but I did imagine it has to do with one of your lizards or geckos.
I like it very much, it's so real!!
Will return,
Syl***

[RC James]

Eisa - Very tender with not a syllable wasted. Enjoyed it very much. RC

[greenwich]

Beautiful and profound the linkage of image feels double if not treble, human , lizard, scales
It wants me to examine dim shadows

[Eisa]

Dropping in to say I've read your poem. Too late to concentrate, but I did imagine it has to do with one of your lizards or geckos.
I like it very much, it's so real!!
Will return,
Syl***

Hi Syl,

It's about the first leopard gecko I had (an old poem revised)
Look forward to your return.

Eira

[Eisa]

Eisa - Very tender with not a syllable wasted. Enjoyed it very much. RC

Thanks Richard!

Eira

[Eisa]

Beautiful and profound the linkage of image feels double if not treble, human , lizard, scales
It wants me to examine dim shadows

So pleased with your response

Eira

[K.S. Lenk]

I love animals and so can relate.

Not so keen on the -ing form in st 2 and 3.

Regards,

K

[Eisa]

I love animals and so can relate.

Not so keen on the -ing form in st 2 and 3.

Regards,

K

Thanks for pointing that out Krista - I'll delete some when I revise.

Eira

[Critter]

Fascination

Quirky creature, haunted by prehistory;
your freckled yellow camouflage
imitates a leopard’s look. this line could be less telly

Wide-eyed, you peer through a leafy
haven, observing every movement,
seeming to smile - a false welcome.

Temptation is food, wriggling
on my palm, but breath quickening
you skitter to dark safety. I like the pace of the poem's progression

Tirelessly, I try to win you
until one day you clamber on my hand,
respiration slow and even.

Daily routine nurtures kinship
and soon you creep up my arm
to perch on my shoulder.

Today I catch my breath
in shadows where the sun is dim
like your unlit den nice sounds here

I found this one in the archives after one of my geckos died recently. It was written about his great-great grandfather. I've experimented and rewritten it in 3 line stanzas which seems popular with some at he moment.
The 3 line structure works well and I really like the way the poem's pace mirrors the story. If I had any suggestions it would be to add to the concrete images. Nice work.

[Eisa]

Hi Joe thanks for your suggestions - yes some parts are a bit telly. Something to chew over.
Thanks
Eira

[Eisa]

I've made a few changes!

Eira

[Psyche]

I love to return to see revisions. I'd also noticed too many 'ing' words, but Krista has pointed them out to you, so Fascination is truly a polished piece now.

No nits at all, Eisa. It flows beautifully, and the content is...fascinating! To think you first wrote it for your gecko's great-great-grandfather. What is their average life-span?

Thanks for sharing this lovely poem,
Syl***

[Eisa]

I love to return to see revisions. I'd also noticed too many 'ing' words, but Krista has pointed them out to you, so Fascination is truly a polished piece now.

No nits at all, Eisa. It flows beautifully, and the content is...fascinating! To think you first wrote it for your gecko's great-great-grandfather. What is their average life-span?

Thanks for sharing this lovely poem,
Syl***

Thanks Syl.

Leopard geckos can live to 20 years, but realistically it's usually between 9 and 15 years. Mine are almost 14 years now.

I have just found another old poem about my gecko's great-great grand mother. It's completely different from this one. I'll give it a tweak and post it soon.

Eira