Division ***, Free Verse Options

[Maureen]

OK here is the rewrite taking on board some of the suggestions made -

DIVISION - Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet

Sleeping through the night
a thing of the past -
flares of light in the sky
deadly
dangerous
and incoming.

Eerie in the moonlight
the standing stones
echoing to the sound of children's laughter,
all that remains of buildings
inhabited just a short time ago.
now just remnants of a ruined civilization
in a world gone mad.


Red dirt roads
are minutely examined
by dogs of war
on long leads.
Canine noses
able to distinguish
the undetonated mines
in these now deadly
and dangerous crossings.

No trains run .
Empty carriages of Al Hejaz abandoned,
antique steam engines wrecked and burnt.
At Qadam, two hundred and fifty million dollars
outlayed on brand new carriages
now destroyed
means nothing to Jihadists
who believe
Isis needs donkeys and camels
to be closer to Allah.

They are strangers to us.
Their ancient mindset not of these times.
Their journey - one that only they believe in,
incomprehensible to the modern world.


Their state rejects peace,
hungers for genocide,
is incapable of change
and wants to be the main player
in the end of the world.
Their paradise awaits.


The houris deny them.
if their earthly life
was relinquished
to a Peshmergette.
The Hadith it seems
never promised seventy two houris,
after death as a martyr
nor did the Quran.


Jannah might lose its appeal
were the truth made
very clear.
And perhaps once again
the sound of children's laughter
could be heard
across the sands of this ancient land.

DIVISION - Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet

Sleeping through the night
a thing of the past -
the diamonds in the sky
deadly
dangerous
and incoming.

Eerie in the moonlight
the standing stones
echoing to the sound to children's laughter,
all that remains of buildings
inhabited just a short time ago.
now just remnants of a ruined civilization
in a world gone mad.


Red dirt roads
are minutely examined
by dogs of war
on long leads.
Their sense of smell
able to distinguish
the undetonated mines
in these now deadly
and dangerous crossings.

No trains run .
Empty carriages of Al Hejaz abandoned,
antique steam engines wrecked and burnt.
At Qadam, two hundred and fifty million dollars
outlayed on brand new carriages
now destroyed
means nothing to Jihadists
who believe
Isis needs donkeys and camels
to be closer to Allah.

They are strangers amongst us
with a mindset from times long gone
travelling a dark journey
that only they believe in.

Their state rejects peace,
hungers for genocide,
is incapable of change
and wants to be the main player
in the end of the world.

A fire in the hole
to make their hiding places as hot as hell
could be considered a satisfactory ending
for all concerned.

[Psyche]

Impressive, Maureen. Sad. Stressful. And true.

I don't like to get into political discussions, especially in the realm of poetry.

I'll add some information, which I learnt long ago. In Ancient Persia there were at least three official religions, one of which was Zoroastroism, believed to be founded by the great wise man Zoroaster, in Babylon, about 600 years BC.
(it was really much older, but too long to explain).
This religion posited three things: "good thoughts, good words and good actions".
And Zoroaster preached against the sacrifice of lambs at the altars, or any other animals, which was a common practice.

Fast forward to 6th.Century A.C. Mahommet, who was a business man and wealthy, had an epiphany whereby Allah told him that Islam would be the only true religion on earth. Mahommet was or had been a soldier, so he quickly mustered together a great army and pursued the peaceful zoroastrians as infidels. They had to convert, die or go into exile.

Zoroastrians escaped to an area in northern India, where they settled down and led a peaceful existence to this very day. Many famous people are zoroastrians. My idol, the great Freddie Mercury, was brought up in Peshawar, India, and was a zoroastrian...His funeral followed that tradition.

What I'm trying to say is that a religion founded by a military business man does not seem to have solid groundings. All this occurred in what is now known as Iran, Iraq, Syria and surrounding areas. No blame is being layed on the good people who live there. And of course there are many reasons for the radicalization that has cropped up in recent years.

I'll come back, Maureen, to have another read. Too late now!
Syl***

[K.S. Lenk]

This is a well laid out and presented poem.
I very much enjoyed it up to stanza 5.
The first stanzas described, painted pictures. The last three reflect a very personal opinion about radicalisation and even offers a solution to this highly complicated issue. I'm not saying your opinion is wrong, I just think it could have been conveyed in a more poetic way and wonder, in general, if stimulating the reader to think about these problems would have been better.

Regards,
K

[Critter]

DIVISION - Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet
Hello Maureen. I like the use of the formatting here, it works for me. Just a few comments...
Sleeping through the night
a thing of the past - good intro
the diamonds in the sky this expression may be overused
deadly
dangerous
and incoming. I like this

Eerie in the moonlight
the standing stones
echoing to the sound to children's laughter, nice, "of" instead of "to"?
all that remains of buildings
inhabited just a short time ago.
now just remnants of a ruined civilization should "now" be placed somewhere else, capitalized, or something...the grammar seems off to me?
in a world gone mad. this is almost cliché, another word for "mad" would add. Just a thought, perhaps "viral' would work...perhaps cliché itself but this would be a different usage, not an internet thing but closer to the original connotation of something bad...


Red dirt roads
are minutely examined
by dogs of war
on long leads. very good line
Their sense of smell you could shorten this to "noses"
able to distinguish
the undetonated mines
in these now deadly
and dangerous crossings.

No trains run . Really like the 'shift' here
Empty carriages of Al Hejaz abandoned,
antique steam engines wrecked and burnt.
At Qadam, two hundred and fifty million dollars
outlayed on brand new carriages
now destroyed
means nothing to Jihadists
who believe
Isis needs donkeys and camels
to be closer to Allah.

They are strangers amongst us
with a mindset from times long gone
travelling a dark journey
that only they believe in. I would try to condense these lines. Perhaps a single word to replace 'dark' and 'that only they believe in". The second line also tells a lot. Just my opinion but something along the lines of 'strangers with an ancient mindset march a mephitic path'

Their state rejects peace,
hungers for genocide,
is incapable of change
and wants to be the main player
in the end of the world. This could be described as 'telly' or preachy.

A fire in the hole
to make their hiding places as hot as hell
could be considered a satisfactory ending
for all concerned. Again, make this short and sweet...well maybe not sweet. This is an excellent subject IMO but I think a poem has to be more 'show' than 'tell'. It gets a bit preachy and argumentative perhaps. Use strong words that take the reader to dark places. For example in the last strophe, instead of suggesting an end or punishment just 'show' the hole or the pain...let the reader read in the rest. With subjects like this, the less direct you are the better in my opinion. This does not mean that your message cannot be strong. Much better to have the reader form their own thoughts from what they are shown. Just my two cents.

[Maureen]

I'd forgotten about this one - thank you everyone for your considered responses which are much appreciated - I am about to go and rewrite this now taking them all onboard.

[RC James]

Maureen, this is an incisive examination of how things stand in the confusion of vengeance and retaliation. Perfectly valid point that Jihadists are living in the ancient past, whose beliefs have no relevance to us other than victimization. Well written and timely, R

[Psyche]

Hi Maureen,
I've been away, so I just saw your revision. It seems great to me. And timely, as terrorism and western bombing seem never-ending. So tragic...the children...the babes yet to be born...youngsters. I just spotted one or two nits, nothing much at all.

DIVISION - Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet

Sleeping through the night
a thing of the past -
flares of light in the sky
deadly
dangerous
and incoming.

I like your opening S.


Eerie in the moonlight
the standing stones
echoing to the sound of children's laughter,
all that remains of buildings
inhabited just a short time ago.
now just remnants of a ruined civilization<<<<<perhaps you could remove 'just', as you've used it in L5, so close.

in a world gone mad.

I love the above S, except that I feel L3 should read 'echoed to the sounds....' The echoes were in the past. Maybe an observer could remember those echoes, but they wouldn't be real any more. Just sayin'...ToT


Red dirt roads
are minutely examined
by dogs of war <<<<<<<'dogs of war' really refers to human mercenaries, over the centuries. I believe Shakespeare used that expression. There's also a novel by Frederick Forsyth with that title. And a song album, forget by whom. They're called 'war dogs'...the poor animals have short lives because they're exposed to electric shocks, the sound of mines exploding, etc. Their nerves are totally rattled. After the Vietnam war they were euthanised. Awful. ToT!
on long leads.<<<<<leashes?

Canine noses
able to distinguish
the undetonated mines
in these now deadly
and dangerous crossings.



Wonderful S. You've painted an awesome picture of the aftermaths of battles. Ouch.


No trains run .
Empty carriages of Al Hejaz abandoned,
antique steam engines wrecked and burnt.
At Qadam, two hundred and fifty million dollars
outlayed on brand new carriages
now destroyed
means nothing to Jihadists
who believe
Isis needs donkeys and camels
to be closer to Allah.

Not to mention the museums, statues, ancient buildings...all gone.


They are strangers to us.
Their ancient mindset not of these times.
Their journey - one that only they believe in,
incomprehensible to the modern world.


Their state rejects peace,
hungers for genocide,
is incapable of change
and wants to be the main player
in the end of the world.
Their paradise awaits.


The houris deny them.
if their earthly life <<<<You need a Cap at the beginning of this line (after previous period)


was relinquished
to a Peshmergette.
The Hadith it seems
never promised seventy two houris,
after death as a martyr
nor did the Quran.

All righteous people, especially if they do good deeds in life, are promised 'a compatible companion' in a garden paradise. Not necessarily martyrs. Males might get a couple of houris, but females of sound repute also meet up with a companion in afterlife. There are various interpretations. Islam 'fixed' the problem of old women by saying that they would be reborn as young virgins in paradise, therefore attractive to males. Complicated...hmmm.... Jihad is mentioned 42 times in the Quran, but can be an 'inner struggle' or a 'holy war' against infidels. Scholars differ on this. Fanatics evidently don't..


Jannah might lose its appeal
were the truth made
very clear.
And perhaps once again
the sound of children's laughter
could be heard
across the sands of this ancient land.

Your poem ends with a hopeful tone. I wish islamic people would stand up and make activist manifestations all over the world. Are they afraid?
Lots to think about, thanks for sharing, Maureen. ToT all I've said.
Hugs, Syl***

[Maureen]

Thank you Syl for your careful and considered response - I will try to address the issues raised.

How are things going with you? I do hope you are back in a happy place.