Hymn to an Aging Dog **(few edits) Options

[Eisa]

As my dog died recently, I've come back to this one as I had done some tweaking and not posted it since.
Also as to the title, as Posthumous said this is written to the dog, not for the dog. Does this matter? or should I change the title, perhaps to -

Hymn to an Aging Dog

You pushed into life as I slept,
flashed past my inner eye,
chasing a tabby away
from our Braeburn tree.

Four years on, I recognised
your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles
to adopt you.

I will not forget -

my husband lay prostrate in ripples,
so you howled ceaselessly until
they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out.

May you drift away in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap.
When death arrives, leash in hand

may He gather you gently,
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.

-----------------------
recent tweaks

I will not forget moved into a separate line

May you drown in reveries
changed to
May you drift away in reveries
-------------------------------------------
Prayer for an Aging Dog

You pushed into life as I slept,
appeared to me in a vision,
chasing a tabby away
from the Braeburn tree.

Four years on, I recognised
your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles
to adopt you. I will mot forget -

my husband lay prostrate in ripples,
so you howled ceaselessly until
they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out.

May you drown in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap.
When death arrives, leash in hand

may He gather you gently,
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.
---------------------------------------------
Just a note of explanation to this poem.

a week after our old Collie died, I had a dream about a Dalmatian running in our garden & joked it was a premonition. 4 years later I was looking for a new dog (not a Dalmatian) but then I found Max on the internet, in a rescue home and had to fetch him!
It turned out that he was born the week I had that dream. Strange, eh? Then of course he played his part in saving my husband's life.

--------------------------------------------
Prayer for an Aging Dog (original)

You slipped into life as I slept
and appeared to me in a vision,
chasing a tabby from beneath
the Braeburn tree. Four years passed;

I recognised your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles to adopt you.
At times you have stirred up storms,
but I will not forget

when my husband lay prostrate
in ripples, you howled ceaselessly until
they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out.

May you drown in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap.
When death arrives, leash in hand,

may he gather you gently,
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

I'm not much on giving a critique in a FV forum but your subject matter brought back memories and tears of our beloved
pet "aging dog" who passed a number of years ago. She was a "shelter" dog of about four or five years of age
but a beautiful tri-colored sheltie we named Ladybug. She was a Lady in every sense of the word and the most
avid dig-in-the-dirt bug you could imagine. Thus the name. Though totally frightened of our full sized stuffed
Bengal Tiger (toy) when she came home with us, they soon became fast friends and the tiger worked very well
and a pillow of choice throughout her lifetime. At the age of 14 or 15, after a vacation to Grand Isle, Louisiana,
she went to sleep forever on that tiger.

May your little hero go to "doggie Heaven" in as peaceful a manner.

My prayers go out across the pond to you and yours.

Larry

[Psyche]

Hi Eira,
So glad to see you've posted again, on a bittersweet note. Knowing the story of how Max saved your husband from drowning makes this poem all the more emotionally charged for me. Just some questions lower down.

Prayer for an Aging Dog

You slipped into life as I slept
and appeared to me in a vision,
chasing a tabby from beneath
the Braeburn tree. Four years passed;

Would you mind explaining a little here. This S1 has great imagery, but I don't understand it all, especially "Four years passed;"

I recognised your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles to adopt you. <<<<< I get confused as to the lineal sequence of events. S1 made me think you already owned Max, but here it's evident that you adopted him. Yet you recognised his "huge pirate patch". Maybe in your dream he had that patch? Sorry, I'm going round in circles...LOL...

At times you have stirred up storms, <<<<Dogs do!! Mine used to dig deep holes in the garden. She'd also dive into our swimming-pool and splash around with Patrick!

but I will not forget

when my husband lay prostrate
in ripples, you howled ceaselessly until
they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out. <<<< Can't comment here. Not now. Such a mighty picture before my eyes. Probably because you told us how it all happened. Max has been one of my heroes ever since.

May you drown in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap. <<<<<Lovely.
When death arrives, leash in hand,

may he gather you gently, <<<<<Is death masculine? Can't think now, but maybe gender can be omitted. TorT
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.

Yes, let's pray your dear, aging dog slips away in his sleep. It's so upsetting to have one's pets put down by a Vet.
Your poem comes over as a heartfelt, loving piece. I'll come back. I have one or two suggestions to make, but would rather sleep on them...LOL...

Hugs, Syl***

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

I'm not much on giving a critique in a FV forum but your subject matter brought back memories and tears of our beloved
pet "aging dog" who passed a number of years ago. She was a "shelter" dog of about four or five years of age
but a beautiful tri-colored sheltie we named Ladybug. She was a Lady in every sense of the word and the most
avid dig-in-the-dirt bug you could imagine. Thus the name. Though totally frightened of our full sized stuffed
Bengal Tiger (toy) when she came home with us, they soon became fast friends and the tiger worked very well
and a pillow of choice throughout her lifetime. At the age of 14 or 15, after a vacation to Grand Isle, Louisiana,
she went to sleep forever on that tiger.

May your little hero go to "doggie Heaven" in as peaceful a manner.

My prayers go out across the pond to you and yours.

Larry

Hi Larry, its good to hear from you and don't say that about your critiquing FV as you have always been a help to me in the past.

Thank you for telling me about your Ladybug (love that name) and how she had her final sleep on her tiger.
Max is coming up to 14yrs, has arthritis but also an enlarged liver which is the main problem. I hope he will, like Ladybug just drift away in his sleep.

Eira

[Eisa]

Hi Syl.

Just to let you know I've been here & will reply to your comments in full tonight when I'll have more time.

Hugs
Eira

[posthumous]

Prayer for an Aging Dog

You slipped into life as I slept
and appeared to me in a vision,
chasing a tabby from beneath
the Braeburn tree. Four years passed;

I recognised your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles to adopt you.

I understand this, but I find "slipped into life" distracting. The poetry here is from the psychic oddness, not from turns of phrase. Also, the similarity of "slipped" and "slept" makes the line hiss too much.

At times you have stirred up storms,
but I will not forget

this line feels a bit like filler. it is not saying much and then it is enjambed across a stanza break

when my husband lay prostrate
in ripples, you howled ceaselessly until
they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out.

another good story. I think the stories are the strength (and heart) of this poem.

May you drown in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap.
When death arrives, leash in hand,

may he gather you gently,
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.

"but dreaming" feels like another filler line. I would suggest more consistency with the lines. Or less consistency. Make it clear that every line is a different breath. But that would be a more major change.

[Eisa]

Hi Eira,
So glad to see you've posted again, on a bittersweet note. Knowing the story of how Max saved your husband from drowning makes this poem all the more emotionally charged for me. Just some questions lower down.


Hi Syl, it's great to see you too. Yes Max is very special and is doing quite well at the moment (under his circumstances)

Prayer for an Aging Dog

You slipped into life as I slept
and appeared to me in a vision,
chasing a tabby from beneath
the Braeburn tree. Four years passed;

Would you mind explaining a little here. This S1 has great imagery, but I don't understand it all, especially "Four years passed;"

St1 is about when Max was born & this was at the time I had my dream (appeared to me in a vision) Then 4 years later we found him & adopted him. (I'm not explaining this very well)
I recognised your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles to adopt you. <<<<< I get confused as to the lineal sequence of events. S1 made me think you already owned Max, but here it's evident that you adopted him. Yet you recognised his "huge pirate patch". Maybe in your dream he had that patch? Sorry, I'm going round in circles...LOL...
No, in St1 he appeared in my dream
At times you have stirred up storms, <<<<Dogs do!! Mine used to dig deep holes in the garden. She'd also dive into our swimming-pool and splash around with Patrick!
Yes Max has been very challenging at times
but I will not forget

when my husband lay prostrate
in ripples, you howled ceaselessly until
they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out. <<<< Can't comment here. Not now. Such a mighty picture before my eyes. Probably because you told us how it all happened. Max has been one of my heroes ever since.

May you drown in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap. <<<<<Lovely.
When death arrives, leash in hand,

may he gather you gently, <<<<<Is death masculine? Can't think now, but maybe gender can be omitted. TorT
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.

Now I never thought about whether death was masculine or feminine. I suppose I was thinking of the grim reaper - masculine.
Yes, let's pray your dear, aging dog slips away in his sleep. It's so upsetting to have one's pets put down by a Vet.
Your poem comes over as a heartfelt, loving piece. I'll come back. I have one or two suggestions to make, but would rather sleep on them...LOL...

Hugs, Syl***

Thanks Syl. Max is doing quite well at the moment. He'll be 14yrs in December. We thought he might not make Xmas, but now I feel ore optimistic.
Look forward to your return.
Hugs
Eira

[Eisa]

Hi Posty,

It seems strange to see you here ... but very nice!

Thank you for passing on your thoughts here. You have given me lots to chew over - even if I do have to make major changes.

Eira

[posthumous]

one more thing I wanted to say, though it might be insignificant to you. It's not really a prayer for the dog. It's a prayer TO the dog, because you're talking to the dog.

[danimik]

Hi

there's something wonderfully cyclic about the piece which the sustained tempo drives along. Also, something of the dream quality, something of the relationship that sometimes exists between dogs and humans...

A friend of mine was a shepherd, had an instinctive relationship with his (working) dog. When Dave developed epilepsy, Ben stopped being a sheepdog and became the guardian, signalling imminent attacks in some psychic metaphysic way. This reminds me...

Drowning in reverie indeed

Mike

[Eisa]

one more thing I wanted to say, though it might be insignificant to you. It's not really a prayer for the dog. It's a prayer TO the dog, because you're talking to the dog.

I did kind of think that the other day - hoped with poetic licence I might get away with it. LOL! Perhaps I'll rethink the title.

Eira

[Eisa]

Hi Mike

How wonderful to hear of your friend and his relationship with his dog. Dogs are so intelligent - in a way that humans aren't (if you know what I mean)

I'm glad this reminded you ...

Eira

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

I enjoyed the somber tone of this and feel free verse is the best choice for the narrator here.
I often shy away from critiquing FV - so will just offer a few thoughts for now to TorT as you wish. I'll be back again soon!

You slipped into life as I slept
and appeared to me in a vision,
chasing a tabby from beneath
the Braeburn tree. Four years passed;
I am not certain of the context using the word 'slipped' in the opening line? To me it sounds like it was by accident - I would rather liek to see a differnt word there, perhaps, Your life... as first line and then delete 'and' from L2?

I recognised your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles to adopt you. **I can almost see this as its own stanza**
At times you have stirred up storms,
but I will not forget

when my husband lay prostrate
in ripples, you howled ceaselessly until **Here, I would move 'until' down to L3 or perhaps say something like
"when my husband lay prostrate
in ripples, you howled ceaselessly
until
your voice -- carried along the bank
was answered.
Hotfooted, they rushed in and dragged him out."**

they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out.

May you drown in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap.
When death arrives, leash in hand,

may he gather you gently,
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.
**If he is 'God', please capitalize.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Hi Lori,

Thanks for calling by with your thoughts. I have made a few edits and still thinking on this one.

I did wonder about the 'slipped' for birth.

Hope to post another poem soon.

Eira

[Eisa]

My dog Max died recently (I'm sorry it had to be the potion) and I felt I had to bring up my last tweaked version for a final time.

Eira

[Psyche]

Hi Eisa,

Love your poem to Max, with the pirate eye-patch! So sad. I know his life-story now, so I understand your piece perfectly. I've also seen your photos of him on FB.
The title is correct now, maybe you'll want to edit it "up top"..

So sorry it had to be the potion, but I see that he slipped away as if he'd been sleeping.
I had to do the same with my last female dog, Cheetah. She was a dog my son had brought in, but then he went off to study in Spain and I inherited her. She knew all my time-tables, same as the cat I have now!

We all have our doggie stories, so...My late husband, Carlos, always said he disliked pets and other people's children...LOL. He took no notice of her at all, but in less than a month she'd wangled her way into his heart! Promptly at 6 a.m. she'd nudge him to get out of bed (he was a physician), then he'd take her for a walk along with the 'doggie bag'...and on the way he'd buy her biscuits, in summer it would be ice-cream, which they shared!!
The incredible thing is that she'd recognize the sound of his car when he returned. We lived on a 2nd. floor apartment and she'd rush to the door to greet him! She even knew the sound when Carlos unlocked the big entrance door to the building. People came in and out most of the day, but even if he returned at an irregular time, she knew...

Just two comments: In S2, L4, "I'll not forget - " sounds as if you're referring to the previous lines. You seem to have it clearer in your original version. Just me, ToT.

I'm also not sure about 'drown in reverie'. Perhaps it's because I know your husband nearly drowned during that accident, when Max saved him. Maybe 'drift off', 'doze off'? Just me, again.

Last comment: I see you've Cap'd God, which I love since I'm sure God has a place for all our loved ones close by us, but my point is that in the previous line it reads "When death arrives, leash in hand(,)" it sounds more like the Grim Reaper, not God.

I'm sorry, Eisa, you've only put **, toss out all!

This is a beautiful tribute to your adored Max. I'm so glad you've been able to write to him and I'm sure he'll understand and continue to be your family's guardian angel in heaven.

Many hugs, Syl***

As my dog died recently, I've come back to this one as I had done some tweaking and not posted it since.
Also as to the title, as Posthumous said this is written to the dog, not for the dog. Does this matter? or should I change the title, perhaps to -

Hymn to an Aging Dog

You pushed into life as I slept,
flashed past my inner eye,
chasing a tabby away
from our Braeburn tree.

Four years on, I recognised
your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles
to adopt you. I will not forget -

my husband lay prostrate in ripples,
so you howled ceaselessly until
they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out.

May you drown in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap.
When death arrives, leash in hand

may He gather you gently,
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.

-------------------------------------------
Prayer for an Aging Dog

You pushed into life as I slept,
appeared to me in a vision,
chasing a tabby away
from the Braeburn tree.

Four years on, I recognised
your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles
to adopt you. I will mot forget -

my husband lay prostrate in ripples,
so you howled ceaselessly until
they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out.

May you drown in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap.
When death arrives, leash in hand

may He gather you gently,
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.
---------------------------------------------
Just a note of explanation to this poem.

a week after our old Collie died, I had a dream about a Dalmatian running in our garden & joked it was a premonition. 4 years later I was looking for a new dog (not a Dalmatian) but then I found Max on the internet, in a rescue home and had to fetch him!
It turned out that he was born the week I had that dream. Strange, eh? Then of course he played his part in saving my husband's life.

--------------------------------------------
Prayer for an Aging Dog (original)

You slipped into life as I slept
and appeared to me in a vision,
chasing a tabby from beneath
the Braeburn tree. Four years passed;

I recognised your huge pirate patch
and we rushed seventy miles to adopt you.
At times you have stirred up storms,
but I will not forget

when my husband lay prostrate
in ripples, you howled ceaselessly until
they heard further along the bank
and ran hotfoot to drag him out.

May you drown in reverie
of bounding by the river with us
before you paddle in to lap.
When death arrives, leash in hand,

may he gather you gently,
not with a merciful potion,
but dreaming
on your jungle green bed.

[Eisa]

Thank you for your lovely long response, Syl. I'm afraid my reply is short as I've been responding to other's poems.

The places you suggested changes are ones I have thought about too, so I'm glad you mentioned them.

I've made the changes

Thanks Syl
Eira

[Psyche]

Lovely, Eisa!

No more nits from me. My heart also goes out to you and your family, from across the big, wide ocean.

Fortunately, you have your lizards, geckos and snakes to keep you busy. These also have their own personalities. I know, because long ago we had a large acquarium, water snakes included. Oh, and in a pond we had snapping water-turtles...not so fond of them when they grew large. Scary to feed them.

Syl***