Hi Peggy,
Yes, read the notes at the top of the forum. Crits must be requested or else only general comment is given.
You said this is a chant which is really a lyric of sorts. This means that unlike poetry you can use repetition and refrains freely. The structure should be simple and words catchy with a good rhythm. Since it is also a period piece, the reversed syntax can also be excused.
I think you did very well in achieving most of that with the exception of a refrain which I would love to see.
The only part that niggles me is the body standing in the corner of the room. Perhaps you could try “His coffin waits …”
On a general note you may consider cutting out some syllables to keep the metre consistent and I suggest re- arraigning some lines to improve the thought flow. I would move the banshee bit to the end for chill factor and bring in children to hint at further consequences of the dread sickness. That cuts out some repetition too.
The last thing to consider is the “voice” of the narrator. If the chant is to be authentic then one should use vernacular of the people local to the setting (in this case Scotland at the turn of the 20th century) That however is a whole new ball game so I shall leave it alone.
Here are some re-arraigned and edited lines which I hope may give you more ideas to work with. Use or lose whatever from those, it' your poem after-all, Poet.
Hugz
Wally
QUOTE
The crofter's house is filled with wails.
for the crofter's dead.
The crofter's wife is weak and ails
beside his bed.
His coffin waits , there's great dismay;
how did he die?
He went so young the neighbors say,
and children cry.
The crofter died of whooping cough,
he leaves to her.
Across the glen and across the loch,
the banshees stir.