The Half-light Paints A Twilight, Sonnet. Options

[Guest_Taita_*]

Changed title to ....The Half-light Paints A Twilight.

Revision 2

When memories have fled and late at night
you shed your garments with familiar grace,
I'd have salacious fantasy replace
the darkness-- I would cover you in light.
And touching you, I tremble at the thought
of playing out what plays upon my mind.
But when we kiss-- those wanton scenes unwind
and fall away. Your loving draws me taut.
I stifle urgent rhythms. I betray
obsessions on the knife-edge of relief,
restraining them, I pause in disbelief
to find the sweeter ballads of delay.

Yet, when I read your eyes the thrill is such
the half-light paints a twilight that’s too much.


Revision 1

Sometimes when I forget and late at night
you shed your garments with familiar grace,
I yearn that well-worn fantasy replace
the darkness. I would cover you in light:
and touching you, I tremble at the thought
of being shown what’s playing on my mind.
Yet, when we kiss those coiled scenes unwind
and fall away. Your loving draws me taut.
I stifle urgent rhythms. I betray
addictions, on the point of sweet relief,
restraining them but feeling disbelief
at finding sweeter ballads of delay.

Yet, when I watch your face and our eyes touch
the half-light paints a Twilight that’s too much.

Original version.

Sometimes when I forget and late at night
you shed your garments with familiar grace
I yearn that, well-worn, fantasy replace
the darkness. I would cover you in light:
and touching you I tremble at the thought
of being shown what’s playing on my mind.
Yet, when we kiss those coiled scenes unwind,
and fall away. Your loving draws me taut.
I stifle urgent rhythms. I betray
addictions, on the point of sweet relief,
restraining them but feeling disbelief
at finding sweeter ballads of delay.
Yet, when I watch your face and our eyes touch
the half-light paints a Twilight that’s too much.

L2 nightdress replaced with garments.

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi Taita,

Very romantic! Staring at your wife again, the same beauty by the sea? She's a lucky woman to have one so dedicated and well versed.

A mangler of meter and forms, I can't write a sonnet to save my bacon so I'll stay away from a critique. I did find these phrases exceptional though:

...those coiled scenes unwind,
...sweeter ballads of delay.
...half-light paints a Twilight that’s too much.

Now, looking into her eyes by the sea, at twilight - the best of all worlds!

David

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Taita!

While I'm not all that versed with sonnets, I'd like to offer a few suggestions on word choices. Please feel free to take or toss these.  :oops:

A romantic you are!  :StarWars1:
~Cleo



Sometimes when I forget and late at night
you shed your nightdress with familiar grace

In L2, I would consider replacing 'nightdress' with something else so as not to repeat night in L1 and nightdress in L2 - perhaps, silkdress, silk gown?

Yet, when we kiss those coiled scenes unwind,
and fall away. Your loving draws me taut.   *_oooohhh nice!

Yet, when I watch your face and our eyes touch
the half-light paints a Twilight that’s too much.

I'm a tad unclear on your meaning of the word 'half-light'? Is this the ultimate end perhaps?

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hi, David.

Yes, you've caught me staring at my wife again.  But then I'd be a dead man if I said otherwise. Thanks for letting me know you enjoyed this and showing me some of the lines you thought were good. I appreciate that so much!

Hey, Cleo.

Thanks again for stopping by. You make some good points. I'll have to think about the half-light line. When you first turn off the lights it's dark...but as your eyes get used to it you can see...especially in our house where there are a few light sources even when the bedroom light is out. So the half-light is really just that. I can see enough of my wife's face to be amazed each time by what I see. Maybe I need to introduce something about eyes becoming accustomed to the light. I've put a replacement in for nightdress. Hopes it works.

Thanks for the time & thought you both put into your replies.

Appreciatively,
Taita.:D

Back....I looked up half-light in the dictionary....

The soft, subdued light seen at dusk or dawn or in dimly lit interiors.

...It says I'm a Nomad....how does a guy become an egyptian round these parts....those huys are cool :pharoah2

[Cleo_Serapis]

Ahhh , OK, I see it now! Thanks!

About being Egyptian - once you reach 300 posts, it shall be so! For more info on when your titles change (and those PIPS too) Click here.

[Cybele]

Good morning Taita,

Just a couple of tiny thoughts on your lovely sonnet  

Sometimes when I forget and late at night
you shed your garments with familiar grace
I yearn that, well-worn, fantasy replace
the darkness. I would cover you in light:
and touching you I tremble at the thought
of being shown what’s playing on my mind.
Yet, when we kiss those coiled scenes unwind,
and fall away. Your loving draws me taut.
I stifle urgent rhythms. I betray
addictions, on the point of sweet relief,
restraining them but feeling disbelief
at finding sweeter ballads of delay.
Yet, when I watch your face and our eyes touch
the half-light paints a Twilight that’s too much.

L2 quite beautiful!
(Suggest comma after grace)

L3 Suggest removal of all punctuation
 
L5  and touching you, I tremble at the thought

L7 No final comma

L13/14

would have more impact if separated from the main body of thoughts.

L14 Perfect! I wish I'd said that!  

Having recently been widowed this brought back wonderful memories for me Taita, especially the wonderful half light. So romantic.

Love

Grace

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hi, Cybele.

Thanks for your comments and analysis. I appreciate the time you took to share them.  I've made the alterations but left the original up for comparison. It would be really helpful if you could explain why the changes in punctuation were needed so that I won't make the same errors in the future. Thanks so much for your time.

Taita.

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel, 

Hi, Cybele.

Thanks for your comments and analysis. I appreciate the time you took to share them.  I've made the alterations but left the original up for comparison. It would be really helpful if you could explain why the changes in punctuation were needed so that I won't make the same errors in the future. Thanks so much for your time.

I shall be delighted to explain.

If you read through your revision aloud now Daniel you will find that each complete thought is now smoothly expressed. Don't read it line by line but from comma to full stop etc.

As to the separation of the last two lines.

In a sonnet the first 12 lines are the story you are telling while lines 13/14 give a conclusion or summation to your thoughts. And lovely they are.

Love

Grace

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hi, Grace. Thanks for coming back to this and for your explanation. You've been a great help. I'll buy you one at the bar.

Thanks again,
Taita.:D

[Cleo_Serapis]

A great improvement on an already super piece Daniel!

Mow - let it simmer a few weeks, will ya? :wink:

Great job!
~Cleo :pharoah2

[heartsong7]

Hi Daniel...Your revision reflects the thoughtful input you've received. It's looking good. Smooth meter is mostly iambic and you have some excellent naturally flowing rhymes. My only question is about the first line"When I forget"  forget what?  
This portrays a wonderfully romantic and tastefully sensuous scene..definately a show, not merely a tell. You've done it well.  

Seeya,
Sue

[Guest_songbird_*]

Hey Taita!  First of all, I see you've had many more helpful comments than I could help to give, so I'll just say great job and offer this little bit:

.......I would cover you in light:(comma instead of : ?)
and touching you, I tremble at the thought
of being shown what’s playing on my mind.
Yet,(remove comma and place after kiss?) when we kiss those coiled scenes unwind
and fall away. Your loving draws me taut.
I stifle urgent rhythms. I betray
addictions, on the point of sweet relief,
restraining them but feeling disbelief
at finding sweeter ballads of delay.

Yet, when I watch your face and our eyes touch(comma?)
the half-light paints a Twilight that’s too much.

As others have told me, punctuation is rather personal so please disregard the above if it doesn't suit you.     Plus, I realize you've already had alot of comments about punctuation already!  

Anyway, I really enjoyed this; great job!  

Cheers!
--Songbird

[Guest_Taita_*]

Thanks Songbird.

I really appreciate the time you put into this and your suggesions might be helpful but to be honest I put things were they aren't meant to go and so choosing between your offerings & cybeles still presents a proble. The only real answer is for me to drop my pen and pick up the punctuation guide again. In the long run I think I'll be much happier to KNOW rather than guess and it will be worth the effort. thanks so much for your time and encouragement.

Taita.

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hey...here's my latest revision. Let me know how it's shaping up.

Cheers,
Daniel.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Absolutely STUNNING Taita!

I think this is quite polished - you've made some wonderful changes in all the right places!

Cheers!
~Cleo

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hey, Cleo. Rganks a lot for changing the title and for jumping up and down a little for me. I appreciate that.  :grinning:

Bye now

Taita.

[AMETHYST]

Well, Well... Daniel--

The change in L3, '...salacious fantasy' is a key alternative. Which now really finishes this off! Wonderful rewriting and consideration in the revision process...


Hugs, Liz ...