Kampuchia [revised 31 Aug, new title], first free verse Options

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Kampuchia revised version with new title

Jungles of Cambodia:
your steamy mangrove swamps
suck life and offer succor
simultaneously.

Mountains of Cambodia:
you call from crests and crevices,
Come drink cool water,
fresh from flowing springs
and breathe the fragrant air.

Plains and paddies of Cambodia:
you grant sustenance
to people of the land,
where once were killing fields
and baby's blood
was soldier's pay.

Horrors of Cambodia:
some linger yet
beneath the verdant plains
to steal another leg
or arm or life
time and time again.

Temples of Cambodia:
you speak of a mystic past
that hovers still
and haunts the walls
and winding corridors
to whisper of its wants.

Kingdom of Cambodia:
now heal your broken dreams
and shine once more
in golden splendor
for all the world to see.




The Kingdom

Jungles of Cambodia
and steamy mangrove swamps
suck life and offer succor
simultaneously.

Mountains of Cambodia
call from crests and crevices,
"Come drink cool water,
fresh from flowing springs
and breathe the fragrant air."

Plains and paddies of Cambodia
grant sustenance
to people of the land,
where once were killing fields,
where baby's blood
was soldier's pay.

The horror lingers yet
beneath the verdant plains
to steal another leg
or arm or life
time and time again.

Temples of Cambodia
speak of a mystic past
that hovers still
and haunts the walls
and winding corridors
to whisper of its wants.

Kingdom of Cambodia
heal your broken dreams
and shine once more
in golden splendor
for all the world to see.

[heartsong7]

Oh wow, Liz. I didn't know you had posted this. Good for you for jumping in.
I'll be back later... gotta run.
Seeya,
sue

[Merlin]

Just whizzing by, Liz.

An interesting piece. I haven't been to SE Asia for many years now, except to Hong Kong in 2001, I think. Oh, a brief holiday in Thailand also.

Lemme offer a coupla thoughts >>

I think I'd prefer V4 to also begin with Blank of Cambodia, as do the others. Perhaps
Horrors of Cambodia linger still...

The title didn't really draw me - actually almost drove me off. Connotations might vary there. May I suggest Kampuchia as a possible alternative.

Here's a variation >>
have you considered addressing each item of the first lines with the remainders of the verses? I kinda like that idea.

Jungles of Cambodia:
your steamy mangrove swamps
suck life and offer succor
simultaneously.


Merlin

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Cool Merlin!
I'm so glad to get some wizardly advice on this. Your suggestions are terrific and I will take them all.Thank you so much, you seem to have honed in on exactly what this needed.
I'm off to try it out.
Liz

[Maggie]

Hi Liz,

Unique and original topic!! I find it interesting!!

I have a suggestion for stanza 3. I would combine the last two lines as they belong together in my opinion.

Plains and paddies of Cambodia:
you grant sustenance
to people of the land,
where once were killing fields
and baby's blood was soldier's pay. (This is where I combined the lines.)

I am glad to see you trying free verse!!!! Bold move!!!! Keep posting!!!

[heartsong7]

Hey Liz...
I like your revision and Peggy's suggestion for combining those two lines.
Nice work.
Sue

[Judi]

I really like your revision and applaud your effort at FV...This is a beautiful poem. Judi

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Peggy, Sue and Judi,
Thank you ladies, I appreciate the suggestion and the compliments.
LB

[Michelle]

Hi Liz, I find your subject and thoughts interesting and your images well done. For me though, the repitition of Cambodia is too much compared to the total amount of text. If this were mine, I would elaborate in your stanzas - show each part in great detail - so the reader can taste the clear water and the fresh air, so he can mourn for the deaths in its recent history, etc. I don't usually say more is better, but in this case I think it would bring life to your lines.

my best,

Michelle

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Liz,

Thanks for transporting me to Cambodia's world in an image-filled way! I've enjoyed the trip, and your poetic words and devices are well managed - assonance, alliteration, inner rhymes and rhythm.

I don't mind the repetition throughout in L1 of each verse, however I would swap them to rid that 'of' so the first would read: Cambodian Jungles: or Cambodia's Jungles: and then maintain that throughout, e.g. Cambodian Mountains, etc. for consistency. I enjoyed this walk though the land and have made a few comments below for you to ponder.

Cheers
~Cleo

[add]

Plains and paddies of Cambodia:
you grant sustenance
to people of the land,
where once were killing fields
and [where] baby's blood
was soldier's pay.
This stanza had me a tad confused so I've offered it in a slightly different way.

Horrors of Cambodia:
some linger yet
beneath the verdant plains
to steal another leg
or arm or life
time and time again.
Graphic without the need to describe the gore - well done!

Temples of Cambodia:
you speak of a mystic past
that hovers still[;]
and haunts the walls
and winding corridors
to whisper of its wants.
Nice inner rhymes and assonance. My favorite stanza!

Kingdom of Cambodia:
now heal your broken dreams
and shine once more
in golden splendor
for all the world to see [witness]. (alternate for alliteration)