In Fields of Gold, a Rondeau for the Irish (St. Patrick's Day) Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

This is one I wrote last March for an Acropolis challenge - a Rondeau. *Words in italics were required but can be revised if suggestions lean that way.

In Fields of Gold  

In fields of gold, the tulips sing
refrains of rebirth's infant Spring,
a dance of daffodils unfold
and leans to Iceland poppies hold
on hibernation’s bygone cling.

A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring
lend laughter to an Irish fling
as leprechauns of March enfold
in fields of gold.

Old Emerald isle legends bring
a patron saint with shamrock ring
whose blessings are forever told;
corned beef and cabbage, meals of old
lend truth to Springtime’s sultry zing
in fields of gold.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori,

I enjoyed this poem: well done.

The line "and lean to Iceland poppies hold" does throw me a tad. I think it's because a "lean-to" is a small conservatory attached to a house and I cannot seem to escape that phrase. Or is that what you meant? Some flowers leaning against others in that way.

But I have no negative crits at all.

There is, however, one very important thing I must mention - this Irish tribute is at least as much a Welsh tribute - the daffodil is Wales' national flower (as the shamrock is Ireland's, the rose England's and the thistle, Scotland's. What is the USA's please - I have no idea.)

(There were plenty of large inflatable daffodils in evidence in the rugby game against France today).

A very enjoyable spring poem. And, after daffs, I think Icelandic Poppies are wonderful flowers (maybe not as nice as Welsh Poppies - but I'm biased!)

Oh, by the way, St. Patrick's Day isn't until 17th March, whereas, St. David's Day is 1st, March.... so I think we might "borrow" your daffs first!

James.

[JustDaniel]

Greatly appreciated this wonderful rondeau, Lori!  

I'd bet my home county would like to claim the daffodil too... and I'd never welch on a bet!  Puyallup Valley and the city of Tacoma have their annual Daffodil Parade.  Puyallup Valley used to literally be yellow for miles!

I only stumbled over 'Isle'... which you must read as having two syllables... though that is minor and not a mark on the face of its beauty.

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

A lovely poem for Spring to cheer us up on yet another cold winter's day.  I like the connection with Dwarf Irises and leprechauns.  I think the title is wonderful, especially as it reminds me of one of my favourite songs, Fields of Gold written by Sting.

Good luck with the challenge

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cleo,

The rondeau is such a beautiful form and this flies along like spring sunshine on Irish moss (the sun doesn't get to hang around long - not called the Emerald Isle for nothing). My step-mother (Irish) says the flowers in spring in the Burren are amazing, but unfortunately I have not yet visited Eire.

Thanks, Nina, I was wondering why the phrase 'Field of Gold' was niggling at me: must go and dig out that tape.

Fran

[JLY]

Lori,
This was so nice to read on a day like today in which we will have fields of snow instead of gold.
JLY

[jgdittier]

Dear Lori,
My thoughts about rondeaux vary from the norm more than any other R&R form. My first thought is that the form when strictly followed most closely parallels music and accordingly was intended to. In my opinion, sing-songy it is and sing songy it should remain and so I think it has no room for departures from the form. (That's of course, only my opinion)

I read it as follows:

in FIELDS of GOLD, the TUlips SING
reFRAINS of REbirth's INfant SPRING,
a DANCE of DAFFoDILS unFOLD
and LEAN to ICEland POPpies' HOLD
on HIberNASHun's BYgone CLING.

(is it reBIRTH- unFOLDS-lean meaning is tends and lean should be leans if it modifies dance-Poppies')

a DAWN of DWARF Iris offSPRING
lend LAUGHter TO an Irish FLING
as LEPreCHAUNS of MARCH enFOLD
in FIELDS of GOLD.

(Iris breaks the -/-/-/-/, yet the similarity of Iris/Irish adds to the
ingeniousness but I think reduces the beauty of the piece)

old EMrald ISLE LEGends BRING
a PAtron SAINT with SHAMrock RING
whose BLESSings ARE forEVer TOLD;
corned BEEF and CABbage , MEALS of OLD
lend TRUTH to SPRINGtime's SULTry ZING
in FIELDS of GOLD.

(LEGends doesnt fit the -/-/-/-/, seems to me that corned wants more emphasis)

The message here is perfect for the form and your ability to work in key words in such a restrictive setting is admirable!

I can say that if I ever write a nit-free rondeau it will be my best achievement in this hobby.

I'm always tentative when I mention areas for improvement as I use more PL than most anybody, so follow your star, not mine.
Nicely done and cheers,     Ron    jgd

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I love a well-written Rondeau!  I don't know what it is
about this form that catches my eye but it does.  I'm part
Irish so this has a happy place in my heart.

Enjoyable from beginning to end!

Cathy

[Arnfinn]

Hi Lori,


A clever offering


In fields of gold, the tulips sing
refrains of rebirth's infant Spring,
a dance of daffodils unfold
and lean to Iceland poppies hold
on hibernation’s bygone cling.

A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring
lend laughter to an Irish fling
as leprechauns of March enfold
in fields of gold.

Old Emerald isle legends bring
a patron saint with shamrock ring
whose blessings are forever told;
corned beef and cabbage, meals of old
lend truth to Springtime’s sultry zing
in fields of gold.


I think James, missed a point here, leprechauns always have a secret pot of gold.

They probabley have more than one.


Spot on again, as usual Lori.

regards,


Arnie
     

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks everyone for your feedback!

I'm thrilled you enjoyed my search for Spring!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi all.

I thought I would give this one a for St. Paddy's Day tomorrow and look for further feedback.

Thanks all!
~Cleo

[Psyche]

Dear Lori!
I immediately spotted this beautiful St. Patrick's Day Rondeaux, since for me it is a special day, close to my heart. I'm glad you re-posted it this year.

I'm sure I'm not qualified to crit a Rondeaux, especially after having read the expert's commentaries.
Nonetheless, it rings like music to my ears, I love it!

This is one I wrote last March for an Acropolis challenge - a Rondeau. *Words in italics were required but can be revised if suggestions lean that way.

In Fields of Gold  

In fields of gold, the tulips sing
refrains of rebirth's infant Spring,
a dance of daffodils unfold [b]I believe it should be "unfolds", since "a dance of daffodils" is the subject
and leans to Iceland poppies hold I suppose you mean lean-to?
on hibernation’s bygone cling. Lovely opening stanza!!!


Perhaps:
In fields of gold the tulips sing Without the comma?
refrains of rebirth's infant Spring,
a dance of daffodils unfolds
and lean-to Iceland poppies holds, Here lean-to is the subject.
on hibernations's bygone cling.

A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring
lends laughter to an Irish fling I believe "lends" is correct, since the whole first line is the subject, at least it seems so to me...sorry if I'm wrong!!!
as leprechauns of March enfold
in fields of gold. Such imagery, so magical!!


Old Emerald isle legends bring
a patron saint with shamrock ring
whose blessings are forever told;
corned beef and cabbage, meals of old
lend truth to Springtime’s sultry zing
in fields of gold. Fantastic, Lori!!!! So glad I caught this gem!!!
Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter[/b]

I shall really try my hand at a Rondeaux soon. With all the help one gets in this excellent forum, surely my effort will be shaped into something palatable... I mean, readable and musical... hope so!

Thanks for bringing this lovely poem to the forefront, Lori,
Hugs, Syl ***

[Guest_Cathy_*]

In fields of gold, the tulips sing
refrains of rebirth's infant Spring,
a dance of daffodils unfold
and leans to Iceland poppies hold
on hibernation’s bygone cling.

A descriptive word in place of 'the' in line1?

A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring
lend laughter to an Irish fling
as leprechauns of March enfold
in fields of gold.

I feel that your iambic flow has veered off-course in line 1. I read it as 'A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring'. Yet I'm at a loss as to how to smooth it out. LOL It should read... A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring... but that sounds unnatural to me. Maybe it is just me!!

Old Emerald isle legends bring
a patron saint with shamrock ring
whose blessings are forever told;
corned beef and cabbage, meals of old
lend truth to Springtime’s sultry zing
in fields of gold.

I like 'Springtime's sultry zing'. It gives the beginning of spring some ooomph IMO! LOL

Lovely tribute to St Patty and spring!
Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Lori!
I immediately spotted this beautiful St. Patrick's Day Rondeaux, since for me it is a special day, close to my heart. I'm glad you re-posted it this year.

I'm sure I'm not qualified to crit a Rondeaux, especially after having read the expert's commentaries.
Nonetheless, it rings like music to my ears, I love it!

Hi Sylvia.

Thanks, I am hoping to revise tis one and the timing was right. I've been having an argument with my muse, so I am now onto revising old poems since she won't budge. I enjoy your feedback - please DO keep your ideas coming!

In fields of gold, the tulips sing
refrains of rebirth's infant Spring,
a dance of daffodils unfold I believe it should be "unfolds", since "a dance of daffodils" is the subject
and leans to Iceland poppies hold I suppose you mean lean-to?
on hibernation’s bygone cling. Lovely opening stanza!!!

Perhaps:
In fields of gold the tulips sing Without the comma?
refrains of rebirth's infant Spring,
a dance of daffodils unfolds
and lean-to Iceland poppies holds, Here lean-to is the subject.
on hibernations's bygone cling.

Yes, if I change this one your idea would fit - but I don't think they hyphen is required? unfolds/lean to

A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring
lends laughter to an Irish fling I believe "lends" is correct, since the whole first line is the subject, at least it seems so to me...sorry if I'm wrong!!!
as leprechauns of March enfold
in fields of gold. Such imagery, so magical!!
I beleive you are correct - should be 'lends' - I think I might have had that originally ? I wanted it to be whimsical a bit here - so thank you!

Old Emerald isle legends bring
a patron saint with shamrock ring
whose blessings are forever told;
corned beef and cabbage, meals of old
lend truth to Springtime’s sultry zing
in fields of gold. Fantastic, Lori!!!! So glad I caught this gem!!!
Thanks so much Sylvia!

I shall really try my hand at a Rondeaux soon. With all the help one gets in this excellent forum, surely my effort will be shaped into something palatable... I mean, readable and musical... hope so!

Thanks for bringing this lovely poem to the forefront, Lori,
Hugs, Syl ***

We should plan a date in Karnak then Sylvia and meet up in the Rondeau thread for some practice runs ? This form is quite fun!
Thanks for your ideas and feedback!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Cahty.

In fields of gold, the tulips sing
refrains of rebirth's infant Spring,
a dance of daffodils unfold
and leans to Iceland poppies hold
on hibernation’s bygone cling.

A descriptive word in place of 'the' in line1?
Good idea Cathy, maybe 'tall, young, bright, slant' ?

A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring
lend laughter to an Irish fling
as leprechauns of March enfold
in fields of gold.

I feel that your iambic flow has veered off-course in line 1. I read it as 'A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring'. Yet I'm at a loss as to how to smooth it out. LOL It should read... A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring... but that sounds unnatural to me. Maybe it is just me!!
It's the word 'Iris' - I might need to substitue that would some other kind of spring flower there to smooth the flow - I've never been happy with that line.

Old Emerald isle legends bring
a patron saint with shamrock ring
whose blessings are forever told;
corned beef and cabbage, meals of old
lend truth to Springtime’s sultry zing
in fields of gold.

I like 'Springtime's sultry zing'. It gives the beginning of spring some ooomph IMO! LOL

Lovely tribute to St Patty and spring!
Cathy

Thanks Cathy - I'll be mulling over some changes soon - glad you stopped by - happy Spring!

~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,

I am coming into this late, but there is so much detail and quality in this poem to speak of that I think I could comment a dozen times and still not repeat all that I love of it. You've used the form to its fullest, as the half repeated lines are so smooth and don't feel awkwardly placed as in some Rondeaus -

To my ear, there were a few lines that stumbled a bit, and lost the lovely rhythm, and perhaps a couple of word choice suggestions. You've captured the holiday spirit like a leprechaun catches stars! :) Lovely, lovely work.

Some thoughts to follow, big hugs and excellent work, Liz

In Fields of Gold

In fields of gold, the tulips sing
refrains of rebirth's infant Spring,
a dance of daffodils unfold
and leans to Iceland poppies hold
on hibernation’s bygone cling.

L2, felt a bit clumsy. I scan it as "reFRAINS OF reBIRTH'S INfant SPRING
Right now, I think it is just my ear, and I am putting too much stress on 'OF' - As well as the 3 repeats of 'Of' in L1/2/3 - perhaps an alternative for L2 would ease that as well -
I'll be back with something hopefully.
Wonderful descriptions and movement, led by a strong inner rhyme as well.


A dawn of Dwarf Iris offspring
lend laughter to an Irish fling
as leprechauns of March enfold
in fields of gold.

S2L1, a smooth and well done double iamb-sounds soft and unintrusive to the ear. Loved the Iris/Irish rhyme in line. Not a nit here!

Old Emerald isle legends bring
a patron saint with shamrock ring
whose blessings are forever told;
corned beef and cabbage, meals of old
lend truth to Springtime’s sultry zing
in fields of gold.

Perhaps something other than 'lend truth' as you've used 'lend laughter in S2. Perhaps .. give truth / grants truth to ... or 'adds truth to Springtime's

I enjoyed the festive tone and the details to bring about the holiday cheer and spirit.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

Not much to nit pick at, but I hope what I left helps. On stanza 1, I will return with some further thoughts (I have to think of them first) LOL