( Sylvia once e-mailed me Shakespeare's 73rd and in appreciation I wrote a para of it.
She has since suggested I share it here and so I will.
Any comments/critiques that can make this a greater tribute to S. is requested but remember, they are intended to be written generally in his style.)



Final Revision-12/23/08

The fall of autumn leaves, denuding trees,
Regales in crispy crackling song-like sound.
A crunching tune arising 'round my knees
From boughs where boist'rous birds of song were found...
The price I pay is youthful years now passed,
For like their way, I too, have served my time
And so accept the years I have amassed.
Those waning rays, now set, forswear my prime.
But still in me, you see a spark, a glow,
Though ashes stifle embers, I'm still warm!
So let me crunch and crackle, you must know
We all return from whence we came, in form.
Let love abide, despite my dimming light,
And then, as darkness comes, my midnight's bright.


I've not entered contests in the past. This piece has been considerably enhanced by others who now may have a stake in it. I must consider them too.
Can this piece be held back for the next competition in order to allow those who have contributed to it to express their thoughts about it's being entered?
If so, I'll defer a decision pending some input.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier


The original
The fall of autumn leaves, denuding trees
Results in crisp and crackling, song-like sounds.
A crunching tune arising 'round my knees
From boughs where once the birds of song were found...
The price I pay is in the years now passed,
For like their way, I too have served my time
And so accept the years I have amassed.
Those solar rays, now set, disclaim my prime.
But still in me, you see a spark, a glow,
Though ashes trump my embers, I'm yet warm.
But let me crunch and crackle, you must know
That we return from whence we came, in form.
So love me still, despite my dimming light,
For thus, as darkness comes, makes midnight bright.

Well done, Ron.

Here's a link to Sonnet 73.

Merlin


Link to Sonnet 98 below.

Hi Ron,

Glad to see you posting again! This is a wonderful poem and paraphrase to Shakespeare! I only have a few comments noted below for you to ponder. Do you havea title for this one - perhaps a suggestion might be: Life's Melody.

Well done,
~Cleo


The fall of autumn leaves, denuding trees (no comma needed)
Results in crisp and crackling, song-like sounds. (this could also be a semi-colon to join the next sentence)
A crunching tune arising 'round my knees
From boughs where once the birds of song were found...
The price I pay is in the years now passed,
For like their way, I too have served my time
And so accept the years I have amassed. --Lovely!
Those solar rays, now set, disclaim my prime. (no comma needed)
But still in me, you see a spark, a glow,
Though ashes trump my embers, I'm yet warm. (suggest, yet *or still* I'm warm)
But let me crunch and crackle, you must know (suggest a sub for 'but' here: perhaps so let me crunch and crackle, now you know)
That we return from whence we came, in form.
So love me still, despite my dimming light, (change so to please)
For thus, as darkness comes, makes midnight bright.

Hi Ron,

I'm glad to see you regaling us with your fine verses!! Hope you are doing well!!

I really like this poem!! Fine job IMHO!!

Give us another!! (By the way, one of my favorite Shakespearean sonnets starts off "From you have I been absent in the spring/When proud-pied April...." Do you, by chance, know which one it is?)

Fine poem/paraphrase!!!


Peggy

Dear Peggy,
Sonnet 48?
For you, dear Peggy, though my muses are grieving deeply, I'll try possible without them to respond to your request.
Have patience, it may be a while. I once could put words together in a way that pleased me, but over these last few months I've struggled and my muses were
even worse.
Meanwhile, if you want to motivate me, post more of your verse.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Dear Ron,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in a bad way!!! Hang in there, my friend!! You'll be in my thoughts.

On a different note, I have a suggestion: Read. Do I ever have a wonderful poem for you to read! Matthew Arnold's "The Buried Life."
It's my favorite love poem, and I'm interested in what you think of it.

Keeping you close in thought!

Peggy

Dear Peggy,
The "bad way" I'm in is due to my muses. They're still depressed and without them
words don't hang together and possibly slip off the page!
I'll look up Mr. Arnold's poem later today.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Hi Ron,
What a beautiful tribute to Wm.S.! When I saw this posted, I had to utilize Eric's link to read the original. Then, instead of offering crits, because you requested commets/critiques, I had to pull his sonnets off the shelf and read a dozen or so to immerse myself in the language/idioms of his day. I only have a few word changes for you to consider. Take or toss them all!

Larry

The fall of autumn leaves, denuding trees
{Results} [Regales] in crisp and crackling, song-like sounds. (It seems the writer is being intertained by these sounds)
A crunching tune arising 'round my knees
From boughs where {once the} [boisterous] birds of song were found...
The price I pay is {in the} [youthful] years now passed,
For like their way, I too have served my time
And so accept the years I have amassed.
Those {solar} [waning] rays, now set, {disclaim} [forswear] my prime.
But still in me, you see a spark, a glow,
Though ashes {trump my} [stifle] embers, I'm yet warm.
But let me crunch and crackle, you must know
That we return from whence we came, in form.
{So} [Let] love {me still} [abide], despite my dimming light,
For thus, as darkness comes, makes midnight bright.

Dear Cleo,
I'm your most difficult poster when it comes to critiquing. I suppose most all know I'm estranged mostly from modern practices and therefore what is sound
advice to most isn't for me. (Note the pun!!!)
I'm one whose verse deviates from prose as much as I can make it and too, I hear music in the poetry I like most.
Your punctuation suggestions are well taken for those (most everyone) who do not seek music in their rhythm. However, I freely sprinkle puncs around, trying to
control further the flow and emphasis the syllables get. Thus I've not adopted most of your punc points.
As to the last four lines, you'll see I used one "still" and one "yet". I used the "still" for rather weak alliteration with see and spark. However, now that I
replaced "trump my" with "stifle" I'm interchanging the still and yet.
Thank you for the read and the interest.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Dear Larry,
Your review of W.S.'s sonnets surely has been a benefit to me as I've adopted all your suggestions. You read my mind in my zeal for innocent alliteration where possible. I wonder what S. would say. He'd probably provide a proper smile which I'd not be able to interpret.
Whether you've pleased him, I don't know, but you have pleased me!
Cheers,
Ron jgdittier

Lovely revision Ron.

This even moreso with Larry's great tips! Glad to see you've incorporated them!

Well done!
~Cleo

Hi Ron,

I agree with Cleo: Lovely revision and great suggestions from Larry! I didn't think the original could get any better, but it has!!!!

Peggy

Hi Ron

This is applaudable! I especially enjoyed the mild changes and will focus my comments on the revised draft. It feels so good to be back on line and reading such insirational poetry done with skill and much talent. I really felt the duality of the usage of "leaves' in L1, it felt as though there was an underlying hidden meaning of leaves like to leave a place or time. It might not be what you intended, but as I read it aloud, there seemed to be a silent sadness in the words. The alliteration is done with skillful hand, just enough to add a melodic tone to the poem.

There was only a few point wheres I felt it trip and perhaps it is intentional so please forgive me if it is. In Lines 9 and 11 the 'But ..." slows my read and it felt awkward. Perhaps a change from But yet in either line to And yet, or in L11, So let. And Yet in me, you see a spark, ... a glow, or So let me crunch and crackle, you must know - Another small nit and again, it might be my reading weakness these days, as it has been so long since I've read anything and have only my inner ear to give me any sign of possible trip. In L5, I kept wanting to read it as; "The price I paid is youthful years now passed" In the final line .. ".... makes midnight bright" I scan this as MAKES MIDNIGHT BRIGHT, I can soften mid, but it still reads to me like MAKES midNIGHT BRIGHT.
Of course it is a very, very minor nit and after readjusting my stress in reading aloud it works wonders... also, just to mention that the meaning is powerful and I would not want to lose that in light of a minor glitch. I only mention it to have something to say. LOL

The strong points of the poem, besides how you've utilized many techniques with a good eye and hand was the intense feeling I get through out the read. There is such depth and interwoven emotion. A strong blend of meloncholic tone and hopefulness.

Best Wishes and thank you for a wonderful read today, Liz

Dear Ron,

I'm so very pleased that you followed my gentle advice and posted this para of W.S. for all to enjoy!

You're a master at this, so why hide your light under a bushel? LOL....

Larry's suggestions are indeed excellent, so I think you've benefited by sharing your talent in this forum.

Just one question: do you need that comma in L9, after me?

But still in me, you see a spark, a glow,

Congrats! I shall ask Lori whether paras can be nominated for IBPC. Indeed, I shall nom you, so if it's against the rules I'll still have had the pleasure of doing it!

Cheers, Syl***

Dear Ron,

Out of polite etiquette and intrigued to see what type of sonnet you write, here I am to observe your style and make my remarks. Being that I am just learning the sonnet I feel I have no store of comments that would benefit your poem, the meter is awesome, the rhyme is spot on and the words are beautiful and the message profound and worthy, appealing to my own heart set. No nits for you, only high praise for a tribute to my favorite of all time master poet. Thank you for posting this here for people like me to savor and most importantly, learn from.

Blessings, Pami

Dear Amethyst,
I'm elated!
I had to go back to Shakespeare'e 73rd to see if he used "leaves" in a dual role.
In my case, it just happened and so you are more perceptive.
As to your using the term, "melodic tone", you can't please me more. That's the central thrust of all I write.
I hear a drumbeat when I write, much stronger than most and so you'll find an excess of 1s and 4s as syllables go as well as alliteration for the flow.
The "But", I thought several times about, considering "now" as an alternative, but found it slightly better for message. Your suggestions of "so" or "and"
will be reconsidered.
I used "pay" to rhyme with "way" in the next line.

I too scan the line as MAKES MIDNIGHT BRIGHT. Numerically, I think of the syllables as each getting some emphasis, "MAKES MID" for alliteration, "NIGHT BRIGHT" for internal rhyme. The profs may scoff!

As to the message, any credit goes to Mr. S. I only tried to duplicate his thoughts.

Glad you enjoyed.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Dear Psyche,
But still in ME, you SEE...
Prose doesn't use it, but i do to focus more attention on the ME as it's part of an internal rhyme.
I like the "still" over "yet".
Thank-you for the thought that this is fit for IBPC. In the past I've declined such competition, primarily as I'm so far out on the fringe.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Dear Lady Poet,
My goosebumps are slowly receeding.
As to the "type of sonnet I write", you should be aware the Mr. S. wrote the base sonnet and he is acknowledged the dean of all sonneteers.
As a wordsmith, I can or once was able to fit syllables together. The noble message belons to Mr. S. which might stand for Sonnet.
Thank-you for the encouragement.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Hey Ron,

Not more perceptive just more captivated in your work. The melodic tone is surely the draw in for this poem and I too, can hear that drum beating, like a pulse of life. I am very glad that these were your intentions as I thought they might be.



Don't worry about the professionals, ironically they aren't the ones enjoying the poetry, but rather they merely discuss it. It is the layman that enjoys each beat and sound that blends together, to create a well defined image and story for our minds and hearts.

Big Hugs, Liz ...

Hi Ron,

Just checking back in to ask if you'll be sending permission to include this in the January IBPC? If so, please let me know (check your PM messages) and advise if any revisions are coming. I'll need to know by Dec 31st.

Thanks and best regards,
Lori