I really have trouble with stressors, but I'm trying so hard to "get" this form. Did I do good, or do I still need to work on it? Thank you in advance for your advice in critique.


There is a sea, vast and deep inside me
one I've been drowning in for many years,
Something hides there holding me in dark glee;
even from the pain of my own sad tears.

Mountains and tons of flesh that cover, hide
the ME I am supposed to, and should be.
Hard as rock, heart of stone? Did I decide
how could I? to do this thing to me?

Now at forty eight I'm knockin' down the gate
using faith, as a catapult aflame!
Break now down, the door of shame and self hate;
the urge to give in to the game of blame.

Life, need, is here, fully alive within
I'm going to make this work and I WILL win.

Hi there!

I've read thru' your sonnet several times. It is profound and self-searching, and I like the way you've deftly used quite simple vocabulary in poetical form. Congrats!

I hope to return here and make some suggestions, but I'm afraid the 'stressors' will have to be dealt with by the ones who know, such as Ron, Don, Amethyst, Lori et al.. Good luck!

Will be back,
hugs, Sylvia ***

Dear Sylvia,

Thanks so much! I'm really glad you like the simplicity of my work. I have a tendency to be too wordy and this sprang from my heart in almost perfect form, I had only to tweak it a bit. I posted it here because I know I can trust the wonderful writer's and poets here to do an indepth critique and point out any weaknesses. But I love it when people just enjoy what I've written and you have made my night. Thank you again so much!

Pami

Hello Pami,

Ah it wasn't long ago I was struggling to 'hear' the iambics of a Sonnet and to learn how to create one using the very specific requirements of the form to the best of my ability. I found reading and reading and reading other Sonnets was the first and most important step toward learning the form and gaining an ear for stresses.

Some minor tips to help you on the road to unstressed/stressed is to use a dictionary that offers it with each word ... second you can check out The Handy Dandy Vest Pocket Guide to Iambic Pentameter By Jason Howard Miller
and last, practice writing iambic sentences. Eventually it will become second nature, but beware - once you gain an ear and start writing Sonnet's they are quite addictive and you might find yourself writing nothing else but ...


As for your poem ...

I will leave some minor thoughts about form and point out some area's of faulty meter, but will work on something also to offer you privately through PM and you can choose to post it or not here.


I wish you well with your journey into Sonnetry ... it is a lot of hard work but well, well worth it.

Best Regards, Liz


There are 3 major expectations of a Sonnet that really make it a Sonnet; the volta (a point in the poem, usually found around L9 but not necessarily that Line. I've seen masterfully written Sonnets written with the volta as the ending couplet.
The first part of the Sonnet should present a subject or issue, a thought or opinion while the second part or the coming of a Volta will bring about an unexpected turn of events or a problem to the first part or a twist in meaning... and the ending couplet should be either very unexpected or present a thought or ending that leaves the reader feeling full and surprised in some way. Of course this isn't written in stone and there are many, many, many variations to this. The most important for someone starting with Sonnets is METER.

The poem offers an interesting insight to the narrators plight. It has several levels to be interpretted, which I think works here. The comparesons are good and how you make your change from showing/explaining the present state of the narrator, and come L9 you begin questioning. Although the ending couplet sums a lot up for the reader and works for me, I did feel it could have been used for something less expected. However, in early stages of Sonnetry, I see no reason why expected cannot work just fine! :)

Making use of your first stanza, I will show where I hear the stresses and perhaps you might go to www.dictionary.com and visually see the unstress/stress of the lines too.
That helped me I remember, so I offer it as a direction...




THERE is a SEA, VAST and DEEP inSIDE me
one I"VE been DROWning in for MANy YEARS
SOMEthing HIDES there HOLDing me in DARK GLEE;
EVen FROM the PAIN of my OWN sad TEARS.


I think several of the monosyllable words I might have not showed stress or thought it unstressed, but often these words are heard by the reader and some have a much better ear than I ...

Will be watching this and wishing you so much luck. Also will send something in PM to help a bit further. Best Wishes. Liz

Dear Pami,
You're already getting good input toward sonnetry, but since Sylvia mentioned my name re meter, I can't help but comment.
I can only help where my "style" and yours overlap. No point in my suggesting ploys that you do not want as part of your style. Thus, if you're just starting sonnetry, you should decide what features of it you want to adopt.
As AMETHYST has already advised, there's much in sonnetry that just about all of us accept.
Generally, it is 14 lines of iambic pentameter, is structured around the volta, has a fixed rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme you used is a popular one, needing no changes.
My personal style is to emphasize meter, that's where I can help, but only if your style is to take meter seriously. In this modern world, free verse has diminished the importance of meter even for R&Mers so I'm suggesting that you need decide now if you want to write sonnets and if you agree that meter matters -matters alot!
For me, repetition is critical to R&M and goes beyond consistent meter and rhyme scheme, even including repeating words, phrases and even whole lines. If you listen much to me, you'll likely be accused of writing sing-songy. Take any advice I give with that warning.
The form of a sonnet is so:

-/-/-/-/-/a
-/-/-/-/-/b
-/-/-/-/-/a
-/-/-/-/-/b
-/-/-/-/-/c
-/-/-/-/-/d
-/-/-/-/-/c
-/-/-/-/-/d
-/-/-/-/-/e
-/-/-/-/-/f
-/-/-/-/-/e
-/-/-/-/-/f
-/-/-/-/-/g
-/-/-/-/-/g
If you occasionally substitute other feet for iambs, it should be for good cause, generally for emphasis.
The sonnet is perhaps the queen of formal poetry. Sonnet lovers must curtsy to the queen! I also believe, since it is regal, it deserves the queen's English and proper punctuation, capitalization, spelling, etc. When I write light verse sonnets, I cut myself some
slack.

You'll get great help here re the other aspects/requirements of sonnets, but I think the first is to conquer its cadence.

What is that pet in a cup???
Cheers, ron jgd

Hi Pami

It took me some time to perfect my first sonnet (and second & third LOL!). I feel I cannot offer any other advice than you have already been given regarding meter, but anything that you lack in meter you have certainly made up for, with a poem written from the heart.
Thanks for sharing
Snow

Love and blessings to all with my profound thanks for some painstaking advice. I will go over it in detail as soon as I have more time to see if I can ever "get" it.

Snow thank you so very much for your kind comments, you've really given me a glow today.

Hugs, Pami

Dear Pam,

Here is how I might have amended your words to get the ba-dums right - not in any way saying my words are better, but the ba-dums probably are. And yes, I know one line is 2 sylls longer !

As I speak the words I jerk my head forward for the emphasis sylls. Try that, you will soon find the head "in the wrong place" as you SPEAK the words aloud - that is the best way to hear stresses, cus the tongue cannot slip past the way the eye does.

There is a sea, SO vast and deep in* me
THAT I've been drowning in for many years,
Something hidING there holds me in darkEST glee;
e'en from the pain of my own sadDEST tears.

Love
Alan