MY AFFECTIONATE ADDICTION, LOVE Options

[Guest_JunieMoon_*]

MY AFFECTIONATE ADDICTION


          It was those eyes,
                 blue,
         almost effervescent,
         Caribbean waters.
         I could submerge
               my soul
         into those orbs.
        A voice, feminine,
               rich,
       smooth cappuccino
     with a melodious timbre,
   absorbing me with kinetic energy.
              She smiled,
              electric,
   my heart knew when to beat.
      Skin, alabaster, smooth,
        the blush of youth
       touched her cheeks.
  A euphoric scent of fine Tuscan lavender
              salved me
      on those weary days,
      when on her lap I lay
      looking into the face
 of my affectionate addiction.

[Guest__*]

Dear Linda,

A fine and sensuous poem ! I have no nits, but I'm not sure if I understand fully - don't worry, this is probably me !

I first thought this could be a "baby's voice" poem, but on reflection, I think it a "man's voice" speaking to her lover/spouse ?

Love
Alan

PS Btw, you let your enthusiasm run away with you, posted this one a little too early, it is supposed to be one every 3 days per forum, and it is only 2 since your other poem was posted.

Tho sometimes I try and work out whether time zones running round the world mean that it says 2 days diff in date, when it was say a Sat night post followed by a Tues am one, which would beat the system, thus SEEM to be posting "early" ? Then I stop trying to work that out, cuz my non-mathematical head starts to spin faster than the planet !

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Linda, Hi all,

Yes, this was posted in error a day early. Usually, we lock such posts until the time has expired. However, being new is confusing enough and no one can be expected to have everything right at first so, on this particular occasion, we've left this one open for crit.

By the way, Linda - great avatar.

All the best, James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Linda.

Suggestions: {omit}[add](comments) - though always your choices, of course.

It was those eyes{,}[:]
blue,
almost effervescent{,}[...]
Caribbean waters,
I could submerge
my soul
into those orbs. (Verse break?)
A voice, feminine,
rich,
smooth cappuccino
with {a} melodious {tembre} [timbre],
absorbing me with kinetic energy. (Verse break?)
She smiled,
electric,
my heart knew when to beat.
Skin, {alabastor} [alabaster], smooth, (or is the mineral a UK / US spelling thing?)
{the} blush of youth
touched her cheeks.
A euphoric scent of fine {t}[T]uscan lavender
salved me (either - or .)
on those weary days,
when on her lap I lay
looking into the face
of my affectionate addiction.

This is great. It has so many possibilities - lesbian lovers / heterosexual lovers / non-sexual lovers / heroine worship / mother-child / mirror / complete metaphor for something non-human.

I think, because of the voice and words, the lesbian lovers or heroine worship scenarios are the most plausible. But they all work.

It also has a dreamy quality of summer about it. I found it extremely evocative - brilliantly done.

It is certainly sensual - smells, colours, textures. Wonderful.

I like the pattern of a few words then just one:

It was those eyes
blue,

A voice, feminine,
rich,

She smiled,
electric,

Great stuff. I thoroughly enjoyed this transporting poem, Linda. Thank you.

[JLY]

Linda,
I enjoyed reading this one.  My only suggestion would be to interject a descriptive word before orbs in the following line:

into those orbs.

The word could have some type of enticing/mesmerizing/bedazzling meaning that would add to the rising emotions caused by those effervescent blue eyes.
JLY

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Linda

A very dreamy romantic poem which is intriguing because of the many possibilities as James has already mentioned.  The image I get is of two girls, one possibly younger than the other. In one way it feels quite sensual yet on the other, quite innocent - a crush.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[Ephiny]

Hello Linda

It's lovely to meet you and to read your poetry

This is beautiful..there is touch of newness..like first love

my heart knew when to beat. great line!!

I think, like Nina, I was thinking of two young women, but the wonderful thing about this poem is the fact that it is so easy to identify with it and find so many different meanings.  I really like the structure as well.

Love these lines

A euphoric scent of fine tuscan lavender
             salved me
     on those weary days,
     when on her lap I lay

Beautiful!!

[Guest_KnightWolf_*]

I simply love this poem, and am awestruck by its power. It truly felt like one of the few untainted poems of the sort. Thanks for posting, and keep up the awesome work.

Nick

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Linda,

I love your description of the addiction to a loved one; very sensual and sweet as you describe her, with a layout that adds yet another element.

I could see a couple of spellings/punct changes I would suggest but James has noted them (and more) with his eagle eye, so I have no other suggestions to add; merely enjoyment.

Thanks for sharing this.

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Linda,

I have just noticed that, on the sub-title on the board you have written "Love." I never see those titles so missed that. However, to a degree that still leaves this debatable as there are so many types of love. Interesting.

Fran - thanks for your kind comment.

James.

[Guest_JunieMoon_*]

Thank you, each and every one that read this work. I am very proud of this piece. I really don't write of love very often. My real world has not been graced with much love. This piece just 'came to me' as so many do. The pen began to write and I followed. Jox, you baffle me.
You make great suggestions and I would like to use them but several of your suggestions, i.e. the change to capital for Tuscan lavender and the either-or for salved me, have been looked at by an editor and I was told then to take the capitalized word back to a little letter and I don't see how the reader can get full understanding if I only use salved or me. You also suggested line breaks. I want the poem to be one long read. I am afraid that if I break it up the reader may lose the rhthym.  I will adhere to the rules as to posting, once spoken to, I am now aware. I guess I was a little over zealous. This site and quality of poetry and other works is amazing. I have been to a few other sites and found that the nepotism that certain people had ruled how they critiqued others poems. I am proud to post here where I am welcomed and no one sugar coats the review.   Junie Moon

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Linda,

Sorry, I accidentally omitted the key from my crit:

Suggestions: {omit} [add] (comments)...

(either - or) was a comment, not a substitution-suggestion. I should have been more explicit still. Looking back I don't remember but I think I meant the "me" is optional. In some ways I thought it better omitted. I was not suggesting replacing "salved me" with "either - or." Apologies for confusing anyone. However, you seem to have taken my meaning and disagreed - which is 100% fine - if you don't see it, don't use it.

All crits' suggestions are only that (editors' included, by the way). I think s/he and I will just have to agree to disagree over "T / t uscan." You are right to do as you wish - always.

The verse breaks are another example of your choice. Again, no one minds at all. I'm afraid I never see rhythm in poetry, nor music, so I would not have seen that (I tend to think poems in the FreeForm forum have no specific rhythm - we do have a different forum for R&M poems - but I do know that many freeform poems do have rhythms and that it is a major strand of freeform thinking to be rhythmic. You'll notice, if you look around, many MM members have tried to improve / instil my rhythm - but I'm clueless I'm afraid. Sorry.

As regards to my baffling you - I'm very good at that. I may not have rhythm but I do specialise in bafflement. I'm tempted to apologise - but then, again, everyone's good at something!

All the best Linda - I loved this poem and look forward to your next.

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Linda,

I find when I write well ideas just appear and flow without much conscious awareness, too.

As James says, all critique suggestions are merely that: it is YOUR poem. Different people see things in different ways. Sometimes new ideas are very useful, at other times they are at best irrelevent, at worst harmful (though hopefully on MM the crits are never that).

It's great when readers find their own interpretations of our work, but we have to hold to our own intentions with a poem first.

Have fun on the site.

Fran

[Cybele]

Hello Linda,

Sorry I am late to welcome you, ~but better late than never, so

WELCOME LINDA

[marquee]       [/marquee]

What a very romantic poem. Such a lovely flow of words!  First, a  tiny suggestion. If you want to centre your work. Type it all on the left then highlight it all and you will notice above the box in which you are typing a button marked align. Hit the arrow on this and it will drop down a box with choices. Click on Center. That's it.

It was those eyes,
                blue,
      almost effervescent,
       Caribbean waters,
       I could submerge
             my soul
      into those orbs.
     A voice, feminine,
              rich,
     smooth cappuccino
 with a melodious tembre,     (typo here, should be timbre)
absorbing me with kinetic energy.
           She smiled,
             electric,
my heart knew when to beat.
     Skin, alabastor, smooth,
       the blush of youth
      touched her cheeks.
A euphoric scent of fine tuscan lavender
             salved me
     on those weary days,
     when on her lap I lay
     looking into the face
of my affectionate addiction.

Nothing more to add apart from punctuations already suggested by James. Lovely read Linda and thanks for posting. I hope you will be happy here and share more of your treasures with us.  

[Guest_JunieMoon_*]

MY AFFECTIONATE ADDICTION


          It was those eyes:
                 blue,
         almost effervescent...
         Caribbean waters.
         I could submerge
               my soul
         into those orbs.

        A voice, feminine,
               rich,
       smooth cappuccino
     with a melodious timbre,
   absorbing me with kinetic energy.

              She smiled,
              electric,
   my heart knew when to beat.
       Skin alabaster, smooth,
       the blus of youth
        touched her cheeks.
       
  A euphoric scent of fine Tuscan lavender
              salved me
      on those weary days,
      when on her lap I lay
      looking into the face
 of my affectionate addiction.

Some changes have been made as suggested by people more learn-ed than I.I began writing just 2 years ago. I have no training in writing and I am sure that I can learn much from the many fine artist on this most amazing site.  I would like to know how to get more of my work published. I have a few credits to my name and have won some contest. How do you other poets get the recognition that you deserve? I have such insecurities about my work that I hesitate to enter some contest or submit to some literary magazines. Confidence building is what I hope to achieve by posting on this site. Thank you, every one that reads my poems and I shall do so in return. Junie Moon

[Guest__*]

Dear Linda,

Wow, some good questions here. Wish I knew some half-as-good answers ! But I'll try.

Some changes have been made as suggested by people more learn-ed than I
-- more learned ? hardly, just doing it longer, probably.

I began writing just 2 years ago. I have no training in writing and I am sure that I can learn much from the many fine artist on this most amazing site.
-- Not sure that ANY of us here is a trained writer. But we have developed as a group of writers and crit-ers, both as a group, and individually. You are so welcome as new blood, and in very little time YOU will be seen as one of the "expert" old hands here, by those even newer than you !

I would like to know how to get more of my work published. I have a few credits to my name and have won some contest. How do you other poets get the recognition that you deserve?
-- I've been writing since 1993, and that statement could equally apply to me. How do you get the recognition ? Historically, the best method seems to be to die ... but somehow that seems slightly self-defeating. Cuz then you might be given the recognition, but you're not there to "get" it !
-- The other answer is to keep writing, keep posting, receiving crits, and if you chose, modifying/editing your works, and keep sending it out to publications, knowing that most will be rejected, but some will "stick".
-- I know one poet who bought tons of little poetry mags, and then started a mail campaign with the aim of getting 12 published in a year. That was done by Feb. The next (non-calendar) year his target was 100, and he made about 130 or so. But that took some organization and determination and damn hard work.

I have such insecurities about my work that I hesitate to enter some contest or submit to some literary magazines.
-- Well dear, if you DON'T submit, you confidence can NEVER grow ! Send out say 30 in the hope 1 sticks. Then chose - are you distraught cuz you had 29 refusals (or ignorings), or delighted cuz you had 1 acceptance ? EXPECT 30 refusals, start counting them gleefully, really rack them up ! Then crash cuz some sod broke your sequence, and accepted your poem - the rotter !

Confidence building is what I hope to achieve by posting on this site. Thank you, every one that reads my poems and I shall do so in return.
-- For what it is worth, I have every confidence in my poetry, and as it happens, in my attitude to life. But I as a poet am probably not much further down the road than you. Just keep travelling ....

Love
Alan

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi again,

Do you prefer to be Junie or Linda? (Then I'll try to remember  :turtle: )

Many of us are relative beginners. I've been writing prose five years now, but only poetry since last October. I discovered MM shortly afterwards and it's a brilliant site for learning and gaining confidence.

Recognition? Wots that? I haven't even tried, except for a couple of local British comps yet (no luck): you are way ahead of me.  Alan is right - have to send stuff out first.

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Linda,

I suspect I'm here only to back-up Alan and Fran.

Alan's right about shuffling of one's mortal coil - very good for recognition. Still, a tad drastic and, as an Economist, I'd have to question the costs / benefits aspects of that one.

I have taught English - but “only” to 11-14 year olds. I say “only” - I did enjoy it and don’t demean it at all but it wasn’t undergraduate standard. (Actually, much better - they still have inspiration and imagination and quirkiness.

I have never been on any sort of writing course, however brief, apart from belonging to MM which really is an education. I’m not just saying that - I look back at my poetry, in particular - but prose, too - and it seem staggering how much worse it was a couple of years ago. I think this is, in many ways, far better than a formal course. It is coal-face revision and crit by one’s peers who are also readers of poetry. Nothing dry and academic; genuine improvement and progress. Far better (I think) than sitting with / in some course and learning techniques etc - here the techniques come (apart from rhythm for me - but I can‘t dance either, even when In The Mood) far more naturally and enter one’s abilities more deeply. OK end of advert.

I have never won, been mentioned in, been recognised in, even raised a peep in any literary competition, ever - outside of MM. So you are way ahead of me.

I have had satirical pieces published in a very small circulation (and now defunct) satire magazine, many moons ago. I've also had an article published in the UK's No1 nudism magazine "H&E"... actually probably the UK's only nudism magazine. Again, many moons ago! (sorry, couldn't resist).

I have entered about ten competitions for writing (outside of MM) but nothing for the last five years. I have various rejection slips - including one I'm very proud of from the BBC.

So, as the UK's National Lottery slogan goes "You have to be in it, to win it!" And, damn, I forgot to buy my lottery ticket again. Linda - simple prescription is: keep pushing, else doors never open - and be prepared to take the majority being slammed in your face... most top writers have had many "failures" and plenty of rejections.

Finally, confidence - just be aware that there will be plenty of writers "better" than you, plenty "the same" as you and plenty "worse" than you - but, if you're willing to keep trying and keep entering / submitting and willing to take the rejections, well, in the other UK National Lottery slogan...

"It could be YOU!"

Good luck.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Linda

I started to type a reply to you earlier this morning, but IE explorer froze on me and I had to reboot, gave up and went to do the weekly shopping instead.

As others have also said, I have had no training in writing.  In fact I only started writing anything about 18 months ago and up till I joined MM in December 04 had only ever written about 10 poems and hadn't written any prose since 1976 when I was at school.

Joining MM has been a wonderful, very steep learning curve and has built up my confidence and skills so much.  I had never critted another work until I joined MM and was very nervous about posting my first crit.  I have found that I learn almost as much critting as I do receiving crit as well as getting to know everyone on here and building up friendships.

I have only ever entered a couple of competitions but didn't get anywhere or hear anything back.  I tried getting anything published either but then I'm not very pro-active and should probably make more of an effort.  As Fran said, if you don't send anything in then you can't be in the running.

Nina

[Siren]

Linda,


Hi There... I believe we have met in another site... I am Destiny there and u commented on one of my poems way back.

Anyway, Onto this poem. I loved the sensuality in it and the love. I think it is good that u haven't speciafied who loves who, it's up to the reader to interp and carry his/her own vision...

I have no nits...

It's great to read u here too.

Dani