Let me Repeat, An unrhymed ballad (tw'k) Options

[Merlin]

Ganz Allein *

Overlooking the sea, salty air in my face,
.......there I stood all alone, all alone,
while above on his glide paths, an eagle flew past
.......with an eye on his borderless realm.
Wind and waves, wind and waves noted time ticking by
.......as my mind twirled about, lost in clouds
like a carousel turning with no-one aboard, **
.......round and round to an unfinished song.
On that cliff top I pondered my miserable fate,
.......deciding what’s left, what to do;
but deciding and doing aren’t always the same,
.......maybe time and fresh air would work too.

How I yearned to be Robinson, far, far away
.......on some tropical island, somewhere
in a coconut hut with a parrot and goat
.......in place of Aileen, dear Aileen.
Afternoon turned to evening, and stars lit the sky
.......so I made a soft bed from pine boughs
where I slept in a bulwark of diamond moonlight
.......and in dreams was an eagle, free – free!



* Title pronunciation - guns align; translation - all alone
** modified lines >>
like a carousel turning, not knowing which way
to go on, or to stop, or slow down.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Eric ...

Bravo... Bravo ...

There is something so classical about the tone and feel of this poem. There is a old fashioned quality that just lures me into a state of being lulled. The rhythm compliments the steadiness of the sea's motion, the sense of the eagle's flight, the perfection of nature's ways. The repetitions work lovely to my ear ... stressing the importance or force of each attribute, such as all alone/all alone in L2, or wind and waves/wind and waves ... which reinforces the continuous rhythms of life's passage, denoted by the ticking of time.

The only line that really stood out and gave me a stumble was L8. I like that it shows the indecisive state of mind of the narrator, and a sense of 'loss of control' ... which direction do we go, do we continue on our path, do stop mid-stream and reevaluate our paths, or perhaps just slow down to take it all in. This is what I read into this line, but I keep feeling there is a better way to say it.

like a carousel turning, not knowing which way
.......to go on, or to stop, or slow down.

The rest of this poem is delightful, imaginative, hopeful and skillfully written. I especially fell in love with the ending, the dreamy resolve -- the child hidden in the narrator comes to life and stills that magical idea ...

... I see the eagle in flight, in dreams ... and so free ... free! What beauty in this poem.

Hugs, Liz ...

Thank you for this lovely, lovely read.

Ganz Allein *

Overlooking the sea, salty air in my face,
.......there I stood all alone, all alone,
while above on his glide paths, an eagle flew past
.......with an eye on his borderless realm.
Wind and waves, wind and waves noted time ticking by
.......as my mind twirled about, lost in clouds
like a carousel turning, not knowing which way
.......to go on, or to stop, or slow down.
On that cliff top I pondered my miserable fate,
.......deciding what’s left, what to do;
but deciding and doing aren’t always the same,
.......maybe time and fresh air would work too.

How I yearned to be Robinson, far, far away
.......on some tropical island, somewhere
in a coconut hut with a parrot and goat
.......in place of Aileen, dear Aileen.
Afternoon turned to evening, and stars lit the sky
.......so I made a soft bed from pine boughs
where I slept in a bulwark of diamond moonlight
.......and in dreams was an eagle, free – free!

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
On first readings after perhaps the first stanza, I usually have mastered your metre and can concentrate on the message and the ploys you've used in presenting it. Another way to say this is
you've a penchant for mixed meter. Your compositions flow like you've written in purely repetitive meter yet often do not do that at all, but read smoothly anyhow.
Here you've dedided not to rhyme and it's hardly noticed or missed. For me, if pitching is 80% of baseball, metre is 80% of poetry.
I'll find few fellow travelers I know with that statement as the modern emphasis is on message.
It's a bit early, but if you need a suggestion for a Christmas gift to me, make it the ability to read and comment as Amethyst does.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Merlin,

This is a lovely poem. It has such a mix of emotions... the calmness of your wording choices and the imagery they create, a touch of sadness and then I think acceptance.

Just a few thoughts for you to consider... use or lose as always!

Cathy



Ganz Allein * Interesting title! Is it German?

Overlooking the sea, salty air {in}[on] my face,
.......there I stood all alone, all alone,
while above on his glide paths, an eagle flew past
.......with an eye on his borderless realm.
Wind and waves, wind and waves noted time ticking by

I like the repeat and the alliteration is nice. Reading that line gives me a calm feeling.

.......as my mind twirled about, lost in clouds
like a carousel turning, not knowing which way
.......to go on, or to stop, or slow down.

Maybe...
'to go, should I stop, or slow down.'

On that cliff top I pondered my miserable fate,
.......deciding what’s left, what to do;
but deciding and doing aren’t always the same,
.......maybe time and fresh air would work too.

How I yearned to be Robinson, far, far away
.......on some tropical island, somewhere
in a coconut hut with a parrot and goat
.......in place of Aileen, dear Aileen.

My heart caught in my throat when I read those lines!

Afternoon turned to evening, and stars lit the sky
.......so I made a soft bed from pine boughs
where I slept in a bulwark of diamond moonlight
.......and in dreams {was}[I'm] an eagle, free – free!

Just out of curiosity... why past tense instead of present? Not that is matters really, it reads so smoothly either way! *smiles*

I enjoyed reading~
Cathy

[Mary Boren]

Splendid, Merlin. Smooth and warm, smooth and warm. Rhyme not missed.

-M.

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
I had to come back to read it again and to learn what others might say.
I always find difficulties in commenting in that since I'm immodern I must first explain so
and so, too many I's.
I do remember though that you have commented several
times of your own disdain for poems in the first person, yet here you let one slip in.
Now do you prefer I give all the credit to your muse's efforts behind your back, or have you reconsidered your tastes!?

Cheers, Ron jgd

[heartsong7]

Lovely, Merlin.
I have read and reread and reread it once more
and delighted in every refrain.
If I soar with the eagles out over the sea,
I'll return and reread it again.

Love the rhythm and didn't miss the rhyme.
Sue

[Merlin]

Thank you to everyone for stopping by to read and comment - most appreciated.

Liz, you could enslave me without the help of wine and cookies with your words. Thank you kindly.
The line you mention is one I had looked closely at for grammatic correctness, and while it isn't sequential, I went with it to show the turmoil and turbulence ongoing in the young fella's mind. I'll re-evaluate things.

Dear Ron, I know my abilities for commenting fall short - take Daniel Barlow for example. Here and on another forum, when I complimented him, he simply vanished without so much as acknowledging my words. I shall have to watch my Peas and Cukes closely.

Thanks much, Cathy. The title, indeed German. I chose it because the connotation carries more impact than the English - it means more than simply "all alone", it's a totality of being alone, and abandonment, and such. It's heavy.
This is a tale of young love, gone a-rye, perhaps a bit of barley too. I'm pleased you feel the turbulence.
Why past tense? Probably more from habit than any reason. I catch myself quite often and change things into present, after a complete past tense version.

Thank you Mary, you spoil me, spoil me!

Dear Ron, you've noted a matter that is very true - my disapproval of "aye-eye-aye" efforts. I decided to go first person rather than third to make it more acceptable, a first-hand experience rather than observing somebody. That said, I needed to make it pass my own standards. After much reworking, I reduced the personal pronoun "I" to 5 in 20 lines, so a ratio of 5:20 became borderline acceptable. At the same time, I cut "me/my" as well as the definite article "the" down to a ratio of 3:20, both acceptable. All those were considerably higher when I felt I could let it out for comments - before I got the hatchet out again. You won't see many first person postings from me, unless I feel I can get away without making the reader go "aye-aye-aye!"

Thank you Sue, to be read and reread is an honor, without doubt.


Merlin

[Aggiel]

Merlin,

I am a bit late to join the admiring party.

I love the background of this poem, and the dreamlike quality of this tale
and the repeated lines. It reminds me of some famous repeated lines such as,

,” to be or not to be..”

“Alone, alone, all alone on a blue, blue sea”

“ Half a league, half a league,
half a league onward”

The syllabus scheme is familiar too. I feel you can almost give this style a name. But then, there will be too many of it around.

To meet with Lori’s request I have to do some nit- pick : here it is.

I stumble on this line: .......to go on, or to stop, or slow down.

I much prefer it to be:

To go on, to stop or to slow down

Some of my favorite lines are:

Wind and waves, wind and waves noted time ticking by

.......in place of Aileen, dear Aileen.

Afternoon turned to evening, and stars lit the sky
.......so I made a soft bed from pine boughs
where I slept in a bulwark of diamond moonlight
.......and in dreams was an eagle, free – free!

Thanks for the read.



Aggie

[Merlin]

Thank you for coming in, Aggie, and it doesn't matter what time. You're not late at all since I'm still looking at the small things here.

As to the line that has been noted several times - to go on, or to stop, or slow down - it is meant as confused and turbulent... putting into sequential order wouldn't tell my tale. I'm still considering, since it has been noted a few times. I am tossing a few ideas about, but would appreciate reader's feedback as to why the line doesn't seem to work. My own scansion is 3 anapest feet, with 2 caesuras >>
to go ON, || or to STOP, || or slow DOWN.
One possibility is which way // it should go, how to stop or slow down. No final decision yet.

Cathy, I have redone this one in present tense, but will not go there. It has simply too many things happening that requires a time-period, not just the present. Example, I have I stand, an eagle flies, my mind twirls, I ponder, I yearn, I make a soft bed where I sleep and dream. Even by tossing out all but "I", there remains I stand, ponder, yearn, make a bed, sleep and dream. That can't all happen in present, so past tense will be the order of this one's tense. Some will work in present, this one doesn't seem to.

It's one of my personal gripes that I reduce my use of "I", so injecting more after I've gone and culled a half-dozen isn't gonna happen. Same holds for the "me/my" and "the" sets. Actually, I have 5-I's here, which is only just making it in under my own standard bar.

Thanks for the thoughts - I'm not done pondering.

Merlin

[Merlin]

Modified version upstairs...
I did a bit of re-evaluating and came up with a slightly different set of words which keep my line of thought going, and will hopefully be smoother to the readership.

Thanks for the input, all.

Merlin

[AMETHYST]

Liz, you could enslave me without the help of wine and cookies with your words. Thank you kindly.
The line you mention is one I had looked closely at for grammatic correctness, and while it isn't sequential, I went with it to show the turmoil and turbulence ongoing in the young fella's mind. I'll re-evaluate things.

Ahhh ... that's ok cause sometimes your poetry is intoxicating as well... I like the change very much... However, you are right, it showed the turbulence... but I think I like the revised version, as it brings to light another direction ... ' no one aboard' implies and enhances the aloneness in my mind.

Hugs, Liz ...

Yes ... I will be back again and again on this one!